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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
self-talk.
2011-05-31 @ 4:52 p.m.
i can't wait for our tattoo appointment in june. i told my mom that we were going, and what i was getting, and how large it would be and she was pretty upset (she hates tattoos - my brother is already almost covered and soon i will be as well). i did say though, "mom. when is the last time you remember me wearing shorts? or a skirt. really think about it." and she was just silent for a really long time on the other end, because she's one of those people who always has to be right, but this time she truly could not think of an answer to that question. so i told her i'd cover them up if i came over if it really bothers her that much, but i know she'll get over it. not this appointment, but probably the next one, will officially qualify me as a "heavily tattooed woman," according to the unwritten laws of the world. and for a while i wondered if i'm really okay with that, but then i realized that i need to do what is going to make me happy in my life. why do i care what anyone else thinks? really. especially my mom, who is a good 75% of the source of my insecurities in the first place. i guess my initial apprehension at getting such big pieces was due to the fact that the old man from former work had mentioned on numerous occasions how unattractive he thought tattoos were, especially on women. he went on and on about this on a couple of times, not knowing that i had tattoos. he's one of those people who thinks that tattoos say a lot about a person, and that people who are tattooed have "abused" and "destroyed" their bodies. i think after that, i felt like maybe i shouldn't get further work done or it would be too much, too much to be overlooked by some other guy who thought the way he did. then boy and i found each other, and he is heavily tattooed and pierced, and has been nothing but supportive and enthusiastic about me getting further ink, as expected. but after talking to him and telling him all of my secrets and insecurities, i've realized that tattooing my body is the only way that i will ever feel comfortable in it. why not cover my scars with ink? why do i need to relive those absolutely hopeless, desperate nights when i was a teenager that i sliced and gouged at my legs and arms until i had to sleep on a towel so i didn't stain my bed with blood? because every time i take off my clothes and see the scars, faded but absolutely still there, 15 years later, i think of that. and my heart aches because of who i used to be. and then, for a while, i started to wonder, well what if boy and i break up? but what difference does it make? someone managed to love me years ago when those scars were still fresh, so why wouldn't i be able to find someone else to love me if i had to? i hope that is never a concern, since boy and i talk about "forev," but even if it is, that's okay with me. i'd much rather explain my ink than have to explain why i never wear shorts, or skirts, even at home, why i always wear socks during sex, why i reflexively yank my leg back when it is touched. my heart already races for the day when i will put on a skirt and a cute pair of maryjanes and look down at my legs and see color, and happiness, and all of the beautiful things that make me me, instead of tugging down, being self-conscious, always answering, "what happened to your --?" i feel like i finally found the secret key to the door of the place where i will finally feel beautiful. this one thing (these two things, really), have been holding me back from doing so many things i've wanted to do. my weight, too, but not nearly as much. it's maybe 10% of the equation. i'm so ready. so ready for this change in my life. all of those years being single, being alone, being inside of myself, and now these two years with the man i plan to die with, all of them have brought me to this place where i am finally becoming happy. whole. i can't remember feeling like this ever in my life. |