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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
a certain outcome.
2011-06-12 @ 12:01 a.m.
when i first reconnected with boy, he was living in a city in PA, about an hour from here. i randomly texted him, not even knowing if it was still his number, and he replied. i asked if he wanted to get together sometime, and he replied, "is tomorrow being overzealous?" i knew then that he was the same person i had fallen in love with in high school, even after all of those years. so we had our night, and i wrote about it then, and i remember especially being so shocked by myself, by the fact that i impulsively kissed him knowing nothing about what was going on or where he was in life, really, except for what felt like a way-too-brief primer on his life over dinner and dessert. i remember that we couldn't stop texting each other for days. and it all led to this. so today we were driving to the store, and we were talking about how much we liked each other, and he mentioned in passing how things ended badly with his ex girlfriend, the last one he dated. then he mentioned a little later about how "all that stuff" with the apartment was indirectly my fault (apparently they broke up and vacated the apartment, breaking the lease, and neither will pay the $4k back rent bill so he's in collections for it) and the more i thought about it, and the other stories he'd told me about this girl and what went on there, i began to realize that he was living with her pretty recently indeed, like right up until we started seeing each other. and i think he saw the gears running in my head, and the fact that i started the question with my ever so famous inflection of high pitched beginning to low pitched ending: "soooooooo ... i have a question." this is the way i ask a question when i know i won't like the answer or that the answer is obvious. both were the case here. he already knew before i was able to ask, and he said, "yes, i was still living with her when i met you. but not for long." and of course i needed to know the whole story now, and he said that he came over here for that fateful dinner that night, and the moment he saw me again he knew what was going to happen. he said he left here that night and went home, and this girl was asleep (he said all she ever did was sleep. also, she was unemployed, not very smart, and not very cute, but she had a great body and loved having sex all the time). he said the next day he went to work, then came home at 2:30 or 3 or whenever after going to the grocery store to buy stuff to cook for dinner for her to find her still asleep. he said after talking to me, and after spending that evening at my house, and seeing what i'd been up to, he couldn't stop resenting this girl. he actually said, "i was there cooking her dinner, and hating her so much for not being even a little bit of what you are, but she was sucking my cock while i was doing it so i thought, 'this isn't that bad.'" but then he said he kept talking to me, and talking about me to this girl, and the more he talked to himself about it, the more he realized that he wanted and NEEDED someone in his life who could carry on a conversation and hold a job and have responsibility. of course he said a million ego stroking awesome things about me, but the main idea here is that he said that he realized about a week in to knowing me that it was good and that he needed to get rid of that girl. he said that everything, other than the obvious issues he had with her life in general, was going well otherwise between them, but, in his words, "you won." he said he never wanted to tell me that because he didn't want me to get a big head about it, but i just thought it was incredibly romantic and such a leap of faith on his part. but you know what? i knew it too. i didn't want HIM to get a big head about it, but i knew the moment i kissed him that night. and it amazes me to think what could have happened if i hadn't done that. and now, back to the present, we were discussing what he needed to be focusing his money saving on, and he said he no longer needed to consider moving back up north. i was surprised to hear this, but he said, "i'm probably going to be with you forever, so it would be stupid for me to move and get some apartment somewhere where you'll probably just move in with me. so i'm just going to wait until you sell your house so we can buy another one." and man. it went from "if" to "when." and it's such an amazing feeling to know that at least one small piece of the puzzling future is in place. and that this boy saw me then, all 239 lbs of me (at the time), and was so taken by my brain that he was able to overlook the fact that i was absolutely not his physical preference. so here i am, just having put the boy to bed, my heart racing as i remember the day. i told him today that i never have as many good days as i do with him. i am always happy when we are together. and he said he was too. and what else can you ask for? |