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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
disconnecting, etc.
2011-08-15 @ 2:10 p.m.
early last week, after my mom calling me to wake me up and yell at me about something or other, i decided i was going to stop answering my phone. not for the people i actually wanted to talk to, like boy and best friend and my brother, just people i knew were calling with nothing good to say. people who are made of stress. i don't want that or need that in my life, and that's why i moved down here away from it. it was a full week of quiet, of not feeling a knot in my stomach knowing that i was going to be berated or harassed or nagged or any of that. it's enough that i've been unemployed forever. it's enough that money is super tight. it's fucking enough that i don't have health insurance. it's fucking enough that my body still isn't how i want it to be. everything is enough already, and all of that other stuff was just like the extra punch to the gut. you're already hanging your head in shame, and you hear nelson yell, "haw haw!" that's how all of that feels, but my mother is the one laughing and pointing. so i had to disconnect, take a mental vacation. when boy and i cleaned out the garage a couple weekends ago, it was so open and clean and it felt to me like a couple pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. i just wanted to experience the feeling. it was really nice. about 3-4 days into my break, my mom texted me something and i texted her back so she knew i was alive, but that was it. she was ridiculously mad at me this weekend when i finally started answering the phone again, but some of it was tinged with worry, i could tell. i made it clear that the reason for all of this was her. but she kept asking me why. "why wouldn't you even answer the phone just to say you didn't want to talk to anyone? is it you and [boy]? is something going on between you two? is it money?" and i just kept telling her, "i just didn't want to talk to anybody. it's as simple as that." she didn't understand that part, but she's not the kind of person that we are. if you're reading this, then you know what i mean. sometimes you just want to be left alone. so we got that out of the way. and i felt really great on saturday, when boy and i had a wonderful day together, but sunday the weather was shitty, i slept badly, and he was in a nasty mood from the start. he never tells me, but i can usually tell when it's HER fault. he wakes up a couple of hours before i do on the weekends, so he'll be up at 8am or so, she'll call him and be her usual shitty self, and then for the rest of the day, he's a miserable asshole. our mission was to go out and pick up this treadmill that was on sale when we went out the day before. i was trying to ask him what he wanted to do, eat breakfast first and go, or skip it and have lunch on the road, and he was just giving me this attitude and sighing really hard while i was talking. i was like, "whatever man," and had little to say the rest of the day. when he's like that, i don't even talk to him. but we did get a treadmill and managed to put it together ourselves. i did a nice 3 miles this morning. i got the kind that you can plug your ipod (phone, in my case) into and it plays from the treadmill's speakers. awesome feature, and now that i've used it once, i know that i will never get another one without it. i hate using headphones with a passion, and this enables me to rock out loudly and free of wires. hurrah. what else? i don't know. i spent so much time inside myself this week that i can't remember anything important. just a lot of thinking, some positive, some negative. i got a lot of new clothes, some from stores (is it a surprise that the less i weigh, the more i love shopping?) and most from my best friend. her fat clothes are my average-slightly chunky clothes, since i've got a good 6 inches on her. she was going to donate this huge sack of amazing, some brand new stuff, and remembering that we'd done this once before (years ago she had gained weight and i had lost a lot, so i took her clothes for the first time) i brought them home and did fashion show by myself. it was really liberating to get rid of my REALLY fat clothes, once and for all. it says, i'm not going back there. i've got a lot to do. |