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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
indecision, weight, love & hate.
2011-08-19 @ 8:47 p.m.
a couple days ago i started writing something in here, but i stopped for some reason and walked away from it. then i came back to it yesterday, and wrote a little more, then walked away from it again. i think my problem was that i didn't like the vibe of it. i know i didn't like the vibe of it today when i looked at it so i just deleted the whole thing. it had started out really delightful and sweet, and there really was a point to the whole thing i was trying to make, but those fragmented pieces of two separate days' emotions never came together. emulsified. and now here i am, wishing i had saved them, because that indescribable gibberish fits the mood so well. the first thing is that i'm just so sore. i worked out super hard this week. i had been stuck at a weight plateau for a while ... i think it was a month or so. i think it was a partial "break" on my part as well as my body adpating or my metabolic rate slowing because there's less of me now. but i went back into it full steam ahead and am now down to 190. awesome!!! because i'm now 25 lbs away from my original short term goal, and only 50 away from my ultimate win forever goal. i weighed 138 in high school, so if i can get back to 140, i will weigh as much as i did in high school but be in much better shape because of all of the weight training and cardio i've been doing. if me from the present had to go back in time and run the mile again, i could keep me from almost failing gym class sophomore year. so i'm super happy about that. my leg workout from wednesday killed me, and i'm suffering serious soreness and swelling today. yesterday i was a little sore, so i did my scheduled 5 mile walk anyway, thinking that i'd sleep it off overnight. so, so wrong. i can barely make it up and down the stairs. boy and i are supposed to be going to move some stuff around his storage tomorrow, but i don't know if i'll be of much use other than the company. my original post the other day was going to be about sex, and awesome couple magic. the other night we were sitting on the couch and i wrapped my arms around boy, and his big hands covered mine, and it was so sweet. and he is so sweet sometimes, stopping me as we pass each other in the hallway or the kitchen to kiss me and thank me for everything i do for him. and i'm glad i remembered that part of what i was originally going to say, because it makes me less mad at him for being a dick in his sleep, again. god he is so annoying when he's asleep. i know the signs. he does the same exact things every time so i know them well by now, even though he doesn't think i do. he sits there and yawns, then he starts rubbing his eyes, then he yawns while rubbing his eyes, then he starts nodding off. tonight i was sitting there next to him, and we were all snuggled up together, and then i realized he had fallen asleep. i woke him up and told him to go to bed, but he kept complaining because it was only 8 o clock at that point. i said okay, and he told me to change the channel, so i read him the description of the family guy episode coming on. he didn't respond, so i read it again, and when i was done he said, "what?" i looked over at him and he was blinking away the sleep, so i knew he had passed out in the middle of me talking. i read it once more, annoyed, and he was like, "what's your problem?" and i was like "hey, what's yours?" he said he had no idea what i was talking about, and i said that i had just read him that listing three times and he wasn't paying any attention to what i was saying, to which he responded, "maybe you should stop talking." so i did, after telling him he was being a rude asshole, which i realized he didn't even hear because he was passed out again. i woke him up and told him he should probably go to bed, and again he refused because it was so early. he said, "i want to go have a snack first," and then we talked about his snack options for a moment, before he said something like, "i just want something extremely flavorful," but i couldn't understand him because he was talking mumble talk. i said, "what?" and he started talking crazy talk, saying something like, "the flobber wobber knick knack jsldjfspedslfjjawd ..." i looked over at him and saw that he had almost fallen over, so i woke him up again and said, "what are you talking about?" and again, he was like, "what are YOU talking about??" jesus christ. so he got all mad and got up to finally go to bed, and couldn't understand why i was annoyed at him. we went into the garage, and he's giving me this crazy look, saying, "what is your problem?" and i told him how rude he was being in his sleep. he was not comprehending that he had fallen asleep and was talking nonsense to me, so he was like, "well if you think i'm being rude then you should just go away." and i was trying to explain to him that he needed to go to bed instead of trying to force himself to stay awake, because he was just being a dick, so he told me again to go away, so i did. i'm really not going to sit around and listen to someone saying rude shit to me. in the end, i won, because the point was that he needed to go to bed. but i'm not going to lie, it was a real drag of a night. he got home super early from work, i was feeling frisky, and we'd had a nice early dinner. but i'm not down with attitude. he can be as mad as he wants to be tomorrow morning when he wakes up at 5am or whatever, but that's not my problem. i'm not going to sit around in my own fucking place and be verbally abused, whether you realize you're doing it or not. time for dessert! (i offered to share some of mine with him earlier but i took it back. yum for me!) |