i really really really need to go to walmart because they're the only place around that has this one particular thing i need, but i really really really don't want to go, because 1) i fucking hate that place! the dregs of society seem to all hang out there, 2) i disagree with their labor and business practices, and so am morally opposed to shopping there, and 3) it is always SO PACKED, and you can never check out quickly, and this is the primary reason i'm upset about going.

i don't talk about it a whole lot because it's mostly irrelevant to what i usually have to say here, but if you didn't know: when i go to super crowded places, particularly if they're really loud crowded places, i start to feel like i'm having a panic attack. boy noticed that i had this reaction to these situations before i even did. i've always had this problem, but never recognized it as anything in particular, and tended to simply avoid those situations that made me feel anxious. but after boy observed my increasing discomfort when we were out doing various activities during which i could NOT avoid the situations, he asked me if i had a phobia of people or crowds or something because he noticed how much my demeanor changed. how nervous and uncomfortable and shaky and unable to concentrate i became. one thing i have noticed is how much worse it gets as i get older. although i don't know if it's from me getting older or if it's because i have such limited exposure to people these days because i'm not working. whatever the case may be, the idea of going to walmart is really making me upset.

i keep picking up my phone to text boy and ask if he'd go with me later after he gets home, but i know he's going to be so tired that he'll just want to shower and relax. i really don't want to bother him, though i know he'd be glad to go with me, but i also really don't want to go by myself.

i don't know what to do. already i feel my heart racing. ugh. this is such a problem for me! i think i'm just going to go out to do the other stuff i have to do, and i'll just drive through the parking lot to assess the level of busyness going on in there. if it's way too much, i'll ask boy to go with me later, and if he's not into it, i'll just order the stuff from the internet like i always do, and i'll have to suck it up and be patient til it gets here.

i've spent almost an hour sitting here, debating whether to go or not. i can't stand it.

oh, and another thing that's not helping: my period is coming, and i'm humongously bloated though i'm enjoying my lowest weight ever (not EVER ever, but you know what i mean) today. i would enjoy it WAY more if i didn't look like i was halfway through a pregnancy. my face is soooo puffy too. why the hell do women have to go through this shit every single month?

blah, i'm grumpy today. time for ibuprofen and marijuana.

brilliant idea, smoke before going to walmart! i just thought of this this very moment. i'm going to go with it and see what happens.

2012-12-17: heavy.
2012-12-15: undertow.
2012-12-14: nothing new.
2012-12-11: so, how was it?
2012-12-06: sex and physical therapy don't mix.



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i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.