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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
my brain is scrambled.
2011-10-17 @ 10:00 a.m.
for the past 3 days, i've just been sitting around sneezing myself to death. on thursday or friday or something, the weather started being super windy, and i guess it's been blowing around all the mold and dust and whatever the hell i'm allergic to. this is just here to say that i am already struggling to write this. i don't do well when i'm all medicated. so first, i DID end up going to walmart last week, but not on the day that i wrote about it. that day, on my way to walmart, i stopped by the tractor supply because i needed something else for that same project. i went in, and asked this kid for help, and then that turned into him not being able to find it, then the manager got involved, then we were all on the internet trying to find the product that their website said they definitely had. so that blew a lot of my time on that trip by itself, but then the manager told me to try the agway down the road, but he gave me the wrong directions so i'm driving halfway down to atlantic city (literally) before i realized i had been misdirected. it was annoying, and on top of that annoyance i definitely didn't want to enter into the asshole of the retail world, so i skipped it. a couple days later i did go, early in the morning and sober. my period had started by then (which is important because pre-period my anxiety levels are ALWAYS way high) so i felt better about it. i will admit i was in and out in about 15 minutes total, however, i will continue to patronize that place only in situations of extreme emergency. no fewer than 5 people smashed into me with their carts, same aggravation of idiots standing around, blocking aisles, oblivious to the rest of the world, and of course, as expected, i spent the bulk of my time waiting to check out at the SELF-CHECKOUT because it's just too confusing for some people to handle. oh and of course there's the ever-present screaming baby soundtrack in the background. i wonder if places like that actually have a CD of babies being tortured, just playing nonstop on the store stereo system, so you know as soon as you walk in that you're in hell. i got the stuff i needed from tractor supply the next day at lowe's, and was totally excited to start my project, but best friend called and wanted to go underwear shopping. i can never turn underwear down, so we went to do that and it turned into a whole afternoon of driving around, going to barnes & noble, bed bath & beyond, and a third place with no ampersand in the title. i was so happy to hang out with her for once and there was no drama. no bullshit with her abusive, alcoholic boyfriend who she tries to pretend she's not with anymore even though we all know she is. we just hung out, bought undergarments and books, discussed literature and movies and opening a restaurant, and that's it. the one thing she kept going on and on about was how guilty she felt about not picking up her kid from daycare and going to the mall with him. she was like, "omg, i'm a bad mother because i don't want to spend every waking moment with my child!" and i really had to fight the urge to vomit. my best friend, the person who'd always said that she wanted to be more than just a "mommy," the person who had forever insisted personal identity over being reduced to only "a mom," and this is the kind of talk coming out of her? she's changed since having this kid in some good ways, but for the most part, i feel so disconnected to her, and that makes me sad sometimes. i guess i've disconnected from her a bit since boy and i got back together, but the bulk of it is not because of him. it's because of her. she knows i am not having kids, that i don't like them, and don't really want to hear endlessly about them. months ago, we were driving around somewhere and i said in a roundabout way that the only reason i give half of a shit about her poop and vomit and baby food stories is because i've known her over half of my life. i know that this kid is her life now, and that's great for her. it just sucks that so many people who have kids lose themselves. i didn't think she was going to be one of them. anyway. the best part of this past week was our two year anniversary. we made a reservation at a very expensive, classy restaurant in philly. i was so nervous about what to wear because this time last year, i was still pretty fat. they say it takes a while for your brain and your new body to catch up, and it does. the anxiety was fat me trying to figure out what to wear to a suit and tie establishment. 55 lbs lighter me said, "hey, just go for it!" and really, who did i need to impress but the boy and love of my life? so i wore this amazing little dress, which i was super uncomfortable in because it was my first dress in 18 years, but when boy walked down the stairs and saw me, the look on his face was worth it. i felt so beautiful, so happy, so loved. the place was amazing, and it was one of those places that you get what you pay for. no kids shrieking and running around, no toolbags screaming on their cellphones, no TVs blaring whatever stupid sport is on. instead, we had a lovely table watching the sunset, an extremely attentive server, gourmet food, and a beautiful evening. when we got back in the car, i said, "happy anniversary," and boy kissed me and replied, "and many more." of course i was just totally taken by the whole situation, because it was the kind of evening that every girl dreams about. he's such a good boyfriend. i don't need to go on and on about him because i do that enough already, but i'm really so happy. i am happy and thankful for him in my life, and i know he feels exactly the same way about me. whew. i'm sort of out of it. there's a lot more i wish i could write about, but i took allergy meds when i got up and some more just 30 minutes or so ago. i feel absolutely miserable, and am still fucking sneezing and struggling to breathe. SO over it. |