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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
sick and tired of being ...
2011-10-22 @ 6:30 p.m.
i'd planned to reserve comment on this until later this evening, but i'm annoyed, so i'm going to write about it now. boy's been in some kind of mood the past couple days. actually, after i wrote on thursday, he came home exhausted (from hanging out with the kiddo) so he went right to bed. but not after coming in and showing me all this stuff he bought at target (kiddo needed new school clothes). so he's taking out the last thing in the bag, and i see what it is, and get super excited. i'm like "omg i love it!" and take it to the laundry, and he's like, "oh nice job assuming that was for you." and i laughed, because 1) he has adamantly stated many times he does not wear this style of garment 2) the character on the garment is my favorite and he knows this, and 3) it was cute, which is not a word that would describe anything boy owns. so he kept on, and was like, "no, i'm really serious," and i honestly thought he was kidding! so i kept saying "yeah right," and he then told me the story of the item, which was that kiddo saw it and said i would love it, but boy decided he was going to get it for himself because it would complement this accessory he's getting soon. at that point, i was just incredulous. he bought a style of clothing with my favorite character ever on it, in the cutest style i've ever seen, that he has said multiple multiple times that he never wears. so i was like, "okay, nevermind, now i feel stupid. take your [item]." like i said, i was so ... confused. i even recited those three reasons to him as to why i didn't believe he really got it for himself. i said, "that would be like me going to the store and picking up your favorite things ever, then bringing them home and showing them to you, but saying, 'yeah but i got these for myself.'" he just didn't get why i was offended, and i was simply dumbfounded that he didn't realize how inconsiderate i thought that was. in the end, we just agreed to share the shirt, because i know he is never ever going to wear it, but it's still sitting exactly where we left it that day. that night, and a lot of friday, i was thinking about it. i was trying to sort out my feelings in my mind. was i being ridiculous? is it just that he's a boy and they don't think of these things? i just couldn't and still can't understand how he - and i do mean of all people - could really suddenly become that oblivious. the way i settled it in my mind was: he's a boy, and they're dumb sometimes, and i'm stupid for assuming anything about anything. they always say, "you know what happens when you assume," and i just accepted that they were right. yesterday, i was doing a bunch of business related stuff, then my best friend came over and left just moments before boy got home, so i was in the middle of doing something i couldn't walk away from when he came in. i was upstairs in the kitchen and said, "hi," and he offered only a flat response. when i was done, i went down to kiss him hello and he said he was going to smoke a bit before he showered, so i said, okay, i'm coming. then he asked if i had gone to the mail yet because he's expecting something, and i went down to hand him the keys to the mailbox. he said, sarcastically, "how do you open it?" but i didn't realize he was being sarcastic, so i answered him, and went on to explain that it's the kind of mailbox that you have to keep the key in it to open as well as close. the first few times i used it, i forgot and took the key out and couldn't close it. he gave me this look and said, "i'm not stupid, i can figure out how to open a mailbox." and again, i was kind of taken aback at how rude it was, so i said, "i was just trying to be helpful," and the response was a smarmy, "when i come back in, can you help me with helmet?" what the fuck. so i just said whatever, went upstairs and continued what i was doing. when he came back in, he came up to get a drink, and i thought he was going to apologize, because i know he knew i didn't think it was cool. instead, he says, super patronizingly, "i really appreciate your trying to help, but i'm a grown man and i don't need detailed instructions on how to open a mailbox." and i just said, "ok man, whatever. i was just trying to help you out. nevermind." and he comes over and like pats me on the back and says, "sorry. thanks. you're so helpful," again in this patronizing, condescending tone, and i just shook my head and said, "yeah, you're welcome," and left him alone. i went down to smoke with him but he was on the phone with his boss, so i went back upstairs and finished the project. when i came back down much later, he didn't say a word to me. it felt like back in the beginning of the year, at the end of the winter, when he was so super depressed and negative and just constantly distant and frosty all the time. the most we said to each other was to decide on dinner, then he went to take his shower. i joined him again when he came out of the shower and the food came. he didn't really say much about it, but said that he texted his boss and asked for more money. i know this was in response to this self-help book i was reading him the other day - it was discussing how to resolve situations with difficult people in your life, and his difficult person is his boss. it said to decide what your price is, how much you need to continue putting up with this person. ask for it, and be prepared to move on or accept the response. the only thing boy asked for was to be paid for the job he does - he does the boss's dirty work: buying his own supplies, managing jobs, interpersonal communications that his boss and his boss only should be doing. this amounts to only $3 extra dollars an hour, or just over $100 a week for him. when his boss called him back, he gave him this sob story about how he was almost bankrupt, and he didn't even pay himself most days, and blah blah. basically, he brushed him off and avoided the issue. i think boy was so ... conflicted and confused by boss's response that he was lashing out at me instead of the person causing him the frustration. he was so excited, thinking he was going back to his old company soon, after he talked to his old boss a couple weeks ago. but when he called to make arrangements, he was told that they might not have as much work as he thought. then, on top of all that, his shitty current boss refused to do anything at all, but tried to turn it on him. so he stuck his neck out there and got nothing in return, and i realized that was probably pretty soul-crushing. so we sat together and ate, and pretty much the moment he was done with dinner, he passed out and i couldn't wake him until 11:30. i did try to make peace when i was cleaning up the dishes after dinner, i leaned in and tried to give him a little kiss on the couch, but he barely responded. at 4am this morning, we're asleep, and his alarm goes off for work. i was having a fantastic dream, and woke up because of some weird sensation. turns out the phone was in his pocket and he was laying on it, so the vibration through the bed was what woke me. i nudge him and he wakes up, presses snooze, then just drops the phone in the bed right next to my pillow and falls immediately back asleep. i didn't realize he had pressed snooze, so when it went off 5 minutes later, (and let me interrupt here to say that it's the classic electronic ear-splittingly loud BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ alarm turned up to max volume) it scared the shit out of me because i was ALMOST asleep again. he woke up again and pressed snooze again. i said, "can you turn it off please?" and he responds, "i'll turn it off when i get up in a while." and i was like, "uhh, NO, it's 4am and i want to go back to sleep," which then prompts him to huff and puff and turn the alarm off, and give me the snippy response, "there, now you can go to bed." UGH! i was so mad. the rudeness was really uncalled for, and i was so annoyed that one of the few days a week that i actually get to have uninterrupted sleep, he is so inconsiderate that he's just going to keep pressing fucking snooze instead of spending 2 extra seconds to turn the alarm off. so i was just boiling at that point, but determined to get back to sleep because he had to get up for real by 8 so he could do this work-related thing. my heart finally settles down from being scared awake, and i get comfortable again, and his fucking alarm goes off again! i was just like, "are you fucking serious." and he said he had no idea how it happened. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! so he gets up and goes to his thing, and i ended up sleeping super late because it did take me forever to fall asleep again both times. he came home right after i got done with my coffee. i asked how it went, and he had little to say about it. i was trying to be pleasant and nice, and just start a new day today, and he was still distant and short. we were trying to figure out what to do today, and we thought we'd do a thrift store tour but we realized there's no reason to spend money on even more clothes when he has so many there's not enough room for them all, so we decided to just stay in. i waited with him while he smoked a cigarette, and he told me this story of being on the highway this morning on his way to the work thing, and this guy cut him off and tried to block him from getting over to the exit he needed (i live in NJ folks, this is like an everyday occurrence). he said he was so enraged that this guy was driving all crazy and acting like this when they were the only two guys on the road that he didn't even look, he just flew over across the lanes to the shoulder and threw his car into park, then jumped out and started toward the guy, telling him he was fucking ready. the guy left, but i asked what he was thinking. why would he do that when he could have gotten arrested, killed, whatever? and he said in this voice that just made my heart break, "i'm just so tired of getting stepped on by everyone." we came upstairs to make breakfast, and he was standing there at the landing of the stairs with this forlorn look about him, and i just reached my arms out and put them around his waist and looked at him. and he looked back into my eyes, for so long. and as mad as i was about everything for the past couple days, i know he's been having such a hard time. i know how hard it is to work your ass off every day, and give literally all that you have every day, and get nothing but a hard time in return. that was the story of my entire time with my former district, and it is soul crushing. on top of that add his commute, then his ex-wife, then his lack of sleep, and everything. he needs a break. so he kissed me forever, and hugged me really tight, and i held his hands in mine and told him that i just wanted him to relax. after that, he took a shower and came out and was back to his normal, sweet self. we made breakfast together and ate, then we went back to bed. he didn't want to, but he was just worn out. i don't think he realizes that when you're physically worn down, it starts to become emotionally taxing as well. there's only so much we can take after a while. so now, he's still in bed. he kept chuckling in his sleep. it was good to hear him happy. i'm going to go take a shower and give him a naked wake up call. it's been a nice lazy saturday afterall. ETA: i started writing this at 11:30am, and ended it this evening, when i had originally intended to write it in the first place. the day turned out as hoped. |