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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
did you hear me?
2011-11-03 @ 10:57 a.m.
yesterday i woke up and spent a full hour crying in the dark. yes, though i posted that wonderful entry about my extremely satisfying sex life, i left out the part about how i was feeling emotionally dissatisfied lately. when i'm having a feeling about something, i like to sit with it a couple of days to see if i'm overreacting or being hormonal or whatever. yesterday morning was the day that i realized that yes, i was upset. i felt lonely. boy switched companies last week, which was what he wanted so much, for months. he hated old boss, hated how old boss overworked him for his own gain and then refused to pay him a couple dollars more an hour for all of the extra things he was forced to do. the guy never reimbursed him for supplies that he should have had already on the job site, nor did he reimburse him for travel like he said he was going to. boy was happy to get the fuck out of there. but he wasn't. day 1 he was excited and relieved to be back, and day 2 he was already second-guessing himself, doubting he made the right decision, thinking that everyone in the union was talking about him, thinking that he was working too fast, too slow, etc. etc. in short, nothing is ever right. he can't just be happy. he's one of those people. so since last week, he's been coming home, telling me about his day as usual, then obsessing over every single conversation, every single action, every decision, and every thing that happened at work. so much so that he will be sitting next to me on the couch, completely zoned out, fully consumed with work thoughts. i would say something to him, and he either wouldn't even hear me (to the point that i actually started asking him "are you paying any attention at all? can you hear me?" and he still wouldn't respond), or 5 minutes later (literally), he would ask, "did you say something?" needless to say, after a while it gets really frustrating and upsetting to be sitting next to your best friend, the one person you are so excited to see all day, trying to talk to them and you realize you're talking to yourself. they're not paying any attention to you. you're not important enough to be heard. that's how i was feeling, and that's why i woke up yesterday and felt so sad. he kissed me at the side of the bed as he always does before he leaves for work, but i was just overwhelmed with incredible sadness and frustration and loneliness. you see, yesterday we had to rent a truck so he could clean out his storage unit. a month or so ago he realized that he was holding onto things that he didn't want or need, so we decided that we'd go up there in shifts to clean it out. that never happened, so we were stuck at the last minute to get everything out before his next month's rent was due. the last minute was yesterday. i had suggested over the weekend that he meet me at my mom's house after work, because she has a dumpster outside until next monday. i was going to drive him from my mom's back up north to get the truck, then we'd both drive back to my mom's and unload the trash into the dumpster. from there he would take the truck with little A's stuff over to his house (only 15 minutes from my mom's), and i would meet him in that town to return the truck and drive him back to my mom's where his car would be waiting, and we could go home. since he was busy ignoring every word i said for the past week, he missed that suggestion and reserved a truck at a place that closed really early. i texted him and told him how shitty that would make the plan, and that we instead should do it the way i suggested. my phone was dead in the late morning, so i missed his text that said, "what should i do? should i still get the truck?" i was so frustrated that he fucking reserved it and confirmed it even after i told him not to that i just told him to still get it. i just wanted to get it all over with. so i drive all the way up there, and as i'm 500 feet away from the driveway of the uhaul place, he calls and says, "my card was declined." i'm like, okay, why? and he says it's because the truck rental is $180!? what! uhaul rentals are like $19.99 a day! the guy inside just says, "well, it's because you have to go so far." so i had to use my card so he could rent it. i was seething with anger, and i think he could feel it radiating off of me because he's just saying thank you, thank you for coming and helping me. we then drive over to storage and though he said he took most of the trash out already, it was still packed. there was so much stuff, and it was all really fucking heavy stuff. yeah, he had "cleaned" the trash, but really he just took it and put it inside of other trash and kept it stored in there. we were busting our asses, lifting a huge fucking couch and a bed and all of this shit. i was super aggravated, but i did feel really proud of myself for being so goddamned strong. i said, "aren't you really glad i work out [and i can lift this stuff]? i'm glad i'm not one of those useless girls." and that's when he said, "yeah. yeah. you have no idea how happy i am about that, because i don't know if i could have done this without you." and then, really quietly, "you don't know how hard it is going through life without anyone." and as mad as i was at him, my heart broke because i realized, who else could he have called if i wasn't there? he wouldn't even have been able to rent the truck. and as mad as i was, i still loved him and i always will. so i said, "well, you don't have to worry about that anymore, because you have me." and he replied, "i know, and i'm thankful every day." that softened me significantly, and once we were back together hours later, driving back to get his car, he starts telling me how much he wants to do something else with his life. he's telling me how he realizes how smart he is, and has been considering going back to school. it was fantastic to hear, and i realized that he's had so much on his mind this week. it's not unfair for me to have my feelings, and to be frustrated. but when i'm feeling in a way, i should consider what might be going on with him too. i love this boy. i really do. and he says, "whatever we decide to do ... it should be for our mutual benefit in the future." really? jesus. it took me hours to write this, but i had to get it out. i was so upset about this yesterday, and today i can't believe it. it was a long night, but sometimes our wounds heal under the cover of darkness. |