| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
communication ii.
2011-11-07 @ 2:28 p.m.
i really wish i had the time or desire to explain what happened yesterday more coherently than i am going to now, but i honestly am pressed for time down to the minute and i want to revisit this and then let it lie because it was such a shitty day. boy was being an asshole on saturday because he was just totally exhausted. after all of the insane activities we had to accomplish this week, he had to wake up super early saturday morning and go to this awards ceremony, then to his son's house to build his bed, and i think it was just too much stuff to do. he did win a tv for the basement, which was TOTALLYAWESOMEEEE, but after he brought that home and we went back out, he was super crabby and could barely even keep his eyes open in the car on the way to lunch. he was just super grumpy, and kept making this weird face all day. i kept asking why he was making it, and he kept saying, what face? so i thought i was just being weird. so sunday he woke up and had chipmunk face. it turns out that the day before, an abscess was growing in his left side of his mouth, like in his jaw, from where he broke a tooth and didn't address it. this happened once before and we went to the ER where they did absolutely nothing but waste 3 hours of our time and charge him $500. so this time, we started scouring the internet trying to find a 24 hour dentist or at least a hospital with an oral surgeon. he wanted it to be taken care of on sunday, because if not, he would have to go to work during the week, then have oral surgery on the way home, then go to bed and go to work the next day. you can see why he was trying to avoid that situation. so i finally found one that was about 35 minutes away, so he called and the actual dentist answered the phone and told us to meet him at his practice in an hour. the guy was super nice and quick and professional. and that was the end of the good part of the day. he came out in the middle of the procedure and told me, very seriously, that he didn't know if boy was hearing him or not but he wanted to make sure that i heard him, so i could maybe communicate the gravity of the situation to him: if he doesn't get the rest of his teeth taken care of immediately, he could die. and that's assuming that he's not in bad shape right now. he said that his gums were so infected that he was going to put him on two courses of antibiotics just in case it had already spread to his heart. cue my freaking out. i held it together in the waiting room, and while boy signed the receipt and took his aftercare sheet. i even held it together until we got back on the highway. but once i was on it driving mindlessly, i couldn't stop the tears from coming. i wasn't even making any sounds, and he didn't even realize i was crying until he looked over and saw them rolling down my face. he asked why i was crying, like duh? really? but i answered and told him i was worried about him. he then said there was nothing to be worried about, which is a lie, and that i needed to stop crying and worrying. obviously this caused me to cry even more. we continued down the highway in silence for another 10 minutes or so, then he said, really rudely, that i needed to stop crying because it wasn't accomplishing anything, and that if he was going to die, he just was, and there was nothing that could be done about it. and yet again, that did nothing to calm me down, and i continued toward the pharmacy in tears. while he was inside dropping off his scrip, i had a chance to cry it out in the car for a few minutes and pull myself together by the time he came back. i was still upset, but my eyes had stopped tearing for the most part. then, for some fucking unknown reason, he decides to start telling me how he has no money, which i already know, and that the dentist told him that he has the worst insurance because it covers nothing, so there's probably nothing he can do and oh well. cue crying again. so we get back home and we're sitting on the couch in the basement, and i'm just like, totally still and silent because my mind is racing. life without him, even a minute without him, how can we finance the dental work, do i need to start prostituting immediately to make the money (seriously, i thought this), what if he dies and i have to call his ex-wife, poor little A finding out, our future, so many things we haven't done yet together, etc. frantic. so i was just sitting there, watching tv, and he's like, "what's wrong with you?" (wtf? again with this?) and i told him i was just sitting there watching tv, thinking, and he fucking says, "ugh, you're such a wet blanket on the day." i was absolutely enraged by this, and my feelings were so hurt that he would even say that! what the fuck!! so i just sat there, and really wanted to let it go, but i was so upset at his cavalier attitude toward the whole situation coupled with this extremely rude fucking comment that the tears just started coming again. and he just sat there next to me, staring at me, and he said, "what's wrong with you?" again! and i said sarcastically, "nothing at all. i'm fucking fine. what's the matter with you? why are you just sitting there staring at me?" and his response was, "i'm just trying to get a good last look before i die." absolutely not funny at all. i just started sobbing and jumped up and ran out of the room, and all he has to say is that i'm being ridiculous. i got in bed and just cried my eyes out for an hour and a half. i cried so hard i couldn't even see straight the rest of the evening. i cried so hard that i ended up passing out from emotional exhaustion. he didn't even come upstairs to talk to me. he came upstairs, though, and went into the spare bedroom to take a nap. when i heard him walk right by the bedroom, i cried even more because i couldn't believe how douchey and callous he was being. after my surprise nap, i woke up and took a long, hot shower, got myself together, decided what i wanted to say to him, and went back downstairs. he was still napping for 90 minutes before he came down. when he hit the bottom of the steps, he just said hi, and i replied hello, then he went into the garage to smoke a cigarette. he came out into the basement when he was done, and said sarcastically, "ya alright?" and i said, you know what? i'm not, actually. i said that i couldn't believe that after today, after i'm beside myself at the mere thought that something bad could happen to him and he wouldn't be there anymore, that he had the nerve to imply that i was being stupid for crying and being upset, and then on top of all of that, to fucking insult me by calling me a wet blanket. his response? well, you're being one though. and crying is stupid, because what is it going to accomplish? so i said, well you know what? i'm entitled to my feelings, and it's incredibly rude and dismissive to me to tell me how i'm supposed to feel about something. i told him that regardless of his fucking casual whatever attitude, i'm going to worry about him because i CARE about him. and he responded that well, yeah i am being rude because you're overreacting, and i am dismissing your feelings because who wants to sit around and worry about shit all day? i have enough to worry about without adding this to it. and i said again that he really really hurt my feelings, especially after all i did today, and he just kind of gave me a trite, sorry i hurt your feelings but. but i'm not into the feelings shit. so i just exploded and said that even if you're not into the feelings stuff, it's not okay to deny me mine and make me feel bad about myself for having them. then he tried to give me another brush off, essentially saying that he felt that the feelings were inappropriate and thus did not need to be addressed. but i really was not having it. i said, "you're completely missing my point." then, very reluctantly, he said that he wasn't missing the point. he was dismissing my feelings, my sadness and my worry, because he didn't want to be sad or worry. he said he was really scared, and thought that if he just minimized it and pretended it wasn't a big deal, then he wouldn't cry, because he wanted to. so i said, boy, it's okay to be sad and to worry sometimes, and he said, well i'm a boy and we're not supposed to cry and be afraid. and i told him, well, that's what i'm for. when you want to worry or be sad or be scared, you tell me, and then we'll do it together, then figure it out. but why on earth would you push away the one person who wants to help you? and by then i was sobbing, and he gathered me up in his arms and hugged me until i stopped, all the while telling me he's sorry sorry sorry, and sometimes he doesn't know these things. and i said, that's okay, because that's what i'm for too. and i kissed his neck and he kissed the side of my head and i told him i never wanted anything to happen to him, and he said, "didn't you know that only the good die young?" and i said, "well you've been pretty good lately," and he replied, "only for you." it was a really trying day, and i found myself exhausted and ready for bed at 9:30. emotions are killer sometimes. relationships are really hard sometimes, but i'm really glad ours is easy most of the time, because we communicate. it's so essential. there are so many things that could escalate out of control if we just let them simmer, but we never do. |