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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
behind the curtain.
2012-02-07 @ 10:42 a.m.
i keep mentioning feeling, and recognizing the things that give you that wrong, sinking feeling and the right, wonderful happy feeling. and i have recognized that my parents (mom and stepdad; my dad and stepmom are saints) always give me the sinking feeling. they don't know how to communicate with other people, they don't know how to communicate with family, and they especially don't know how to communicate with each other. i've been paying close attention to our exchanges lately, since i have stopped talking to them as often as i did (for my own mental health), and it's always the same. my stepdad tries to be the nice guy, as if all of the years of pretending we weren't there will be forgotten and we'll be BFF now. my mom is now married to her job and only calls for two reasons: to abuse me, or to "chat," which is sometimes nice, but is often either an information gathering session or an offer of help or some kind of favor that i will owe back and be reminded of for the rest of my natural life. if one of them calls to ask me something that they should already know from talking to the other one, it becomes a badmouth blamefest about "your mother" or "[your stepdad]." i really don't want to be involved in your marital issues. it's so funny, really, now that i am older and wiser. my brother and i used to be the scapegoats. but now that we're both gone, everyone can see it. it was never us. it was definitely never me. even at my worst, i was a moody goth kid who locked herself in her room. i never talked back. i never did any of that teenager stuff. i took it all out on myself. my brother really made them suffer for a while, but they just wrote him off. go live with your sister, then. avoid, pass the blame, wait for it all to resolve itself, then take the credit for being such a great parent. when people meet us, they always go on and on about how great we turned out, so smart and successful. oh, [mother], you're such a great parent, you must be so proud. i have never had the balls to interrupt these back-patting sessions to tell these people that we turned out so well in spite of them, not because of them. |