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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
thank you.
2012-02-10 @ 9:12 p.m.
throughout the course of the evening yesterday, boy tells me that i am the best cook, best fuck, best friend, and best (and first good) relationship he has ever had. i'll take it. but no really, i texted him today to tell him that i was trying to find an appropriate valentine's day card for him, but none could say what i wanted to, so i thought i would just tell him instead that he makes me so happy every single minute of every day. and he just came home wearing the biggest smile and gave me the biggest kiss. he always says, "we're partners." all the time. when i was asking him to do something annoying that he didn't want to do. we're partners and i'd do anything for you. when i was nearly in tears yesterday telling him about this thing that my mom asked me to do that i never should have agreed to! i knew i shouldn't have, because i had a terrible feeling about it, and wasn't i just saying trust your feelings? but my overwhelming and all-consuming need to PLEASE not disappoint my mother again, and now i'm in the shittiest spot ever. and i'm going on and on about this on the phone, then i'm apologizing for just rambling about this, and i get stop. stop. we're partners. i want you to tell me everything. and i just wish so much that i was capable of being a normal person, and i wasn't so emotionally repressed. i work on it so often, though, and i know i'm getting a lot better. and i know i am consciously making an effort to make healthy decisions (you know, actually considering my own feelings first) but i just can't believe sometimes that like wow, i am in a healthy, loving, fun, and so super happy relationship for the first time in my life, with exactly the person i want to be in it with. i am so lucky and so happy and so grateful for this. i guess i'm also trying to say that i never really got to be very happy in my life, until now. i used to be so angry about all of the things that i never got to do, and for being so lonely. but now i'm just going to enjoy the things that i have and be thankful for every second. and i want people to know that i appreciate them, and i especially want this boy to know how much i love him. because he's lived the same way that i did. that's why we get along so well. from completely different backgrounds, but with the common experience of loneliness, fear, and growing up too soon. i think some people would feel smothered, but i never do, and he can never feel smothered enough. people always make jokes about people who weren't hugged enough when they were kids, and it sounds funny on the surface, but is it really funny that some of us can hardly remember being hugged by anyone? and when someone touches us now, it feels strange? is it funny that i can remember the last time my mother told me she loved me, not because it was recently, but because when she said it i couldn't remember hearing her say it before then? so i think that's why we hold on so tight. but i never get tired of the feeling. |