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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
hey. go fuck yourself.
2012-02-25 @ 10:51 p.m.
i saw a cat that looked exactly like mine, hit in the road tonight on the way home, like right outside of my community on the main road. cats are quick little bastards and when i saw it i felt my stomach drop. i know it's fucking crazy to even think it possible, but i just had a moment of panic that someone left the door open for just one second too long. and it was the perfect moment that we all had our backs turned. they always say that about terrible things that happen, like on tv, when they ask how could something this awful happen!? and there's just this super somber person saying, it just had to be the perfect circumstances. it was a one in a million shot. that's how my brain works. i always immediately assume the worst and panic. i can keep really fucking cool on the outside, even though my insides are like crumbling. but i guess that's a little more insight into how i operate. how i get so wound up before anything even happens sometimes. i had a fucking crazy zombie dream last night. full on, post-apocalyptic, you gotta know the code word to get in kind of establishments were where i was hanging out. usually when i have a dream of this level of detail and storyline, i get up and write it down, or at least the details of it, immediately. this one was so bizarre and kind of really freaked me out so much that when i first got up, the thought of writing it down made me go, "eww." aloud. then, i could feel it slipping away from me during morning coffee, but still could piece it together. by lunch time i was heading up to the shower and knew it was my only chance, but i decided not to. i never really have dreams that are disturbing, but i use that term kind of because i can't think of another one. like i've had crazy, bloody, skull-crushing, nazi fucking warfare, gunshots to the head, fucking stabbing myself in the stomach with a fucking knife because i would rather do that than have children(!) dreams. so considering that, disturbing is not exactly the word i would use to describe this dream. maybe this is the first time i've really freaked myself out. like, this is the hostel of my career as a dreamer, i guess. yeah, so i take it back about not bringing up that boy has been being a dick. he has been, and i was just going to let him go, because he has been having a hard time at work this week, and he has not smoked a cigarette in two weeks(!!), so i can understand some moodiness. so i brought it up, and he was like yeah, i'm feeling miserable lately. and i'm like cool bro, i understand. touchy feely, the end. so then like yesterday he called me on his way home from work and was copping this huge tude! and i'm like hey. again. you need to take a chill pill. you're being a real dick. so he got all mad and we hung up, and then he called back and apologized, which was really nice. so then today, we went to the fucking circus (more weird than fun for me), and we're coming home and he forgot that i locked his weed pouch in the glove box prior to the show, and since i was already driving when he remembered this i would have had to completely stop the car and remove the keys to open the glovebox. (ps - we literally RAN out of the place as the guy was finishing the last sentence of the final song, so you can see how motivated i was to avoid traffic.) so i'm sitting at a left turn light, and he's like, why don't you stop the car right here? and i was like wtf? in the middle of the road? not cool. so we make the turn, and like every foot further we drove you could see the road packing up with cars. it was INSANE. so we're driving by all of these random ass empty lots for like phillies stadium, but you have to go in through the booth, or it's a closed entryway or something, or a side street, but of course since it's philly, everything was one way. in conclusion there's no fucking way i'm going to pull into one of those and have to try to do some awkward turning around maneuver or go two blocks out of the way to get back to where we were. you can wait to smoke your fucking weed in my car! for real man! so he's over there like tapping his fucking fingers and sighing heavily and you know. being a 15 year old girl. so once i got over the bridge and got halfway home, i stopped at the first place i could pull over, because of course it's new jersey now and every way is the expressway. there's sometimes just NOT a convenient or safe place to pull over, for a while (distance-wise). i pull over and open the glovebox, and he's all sassy like "what are you doing?" and i said, "i was tired of the tude so i pulled over the first time i could." and he's like, wtf, we're almost home now! i don't have an attitude! and i'm like okay. sure you don't. we get in, go to smoke, and i asked him what the hell his problem was, and he claimed nothing at all. at this point i was just really annoyed and wanted him to stop it. i was like hey, could you really just tell me what's wrong with you? after trying to avoid the subject by walking out of the room, he claims that he's just trying not to upset me by saying anything at all. then comes downstairs and immediately starts yelling at little A for something stupid. really cool. whatever. i've got a lot of cool shit that i need to focus my attention on, so i'm going to do that. i hate it when people walk around with a bug up their asses. there's just nothing to be done sometimes except to just let it feel alone sometimes. let it see you happy. let it know they can have some too when they're ready. |