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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
make up your damn mind.
2012-02-26 @ 10:41 p.m.
i could just kill him sometimes, like after last night when i was just SO ANNOYED. why isn't anyone emotionally stable these days. it was so funny that like 2 years ago, former co-worker R was like, "i'd never date a bi-polar man," and i told her i could be a handful myself, and she said that she could too. she knew exactly what i was talking about. and that's why one of us has to have our shit together. so today he started out grumptastic, so i didn't even really say anything to him, and just as i knew would happen, he couldn't stand silence and stopped being a baby. by mid-day, he was perking up. listen dude, on most days i'm able to pull myself into a decent mood and stay there. so come hang out! i hate debbie downers. i can't be around them because i can't afford to go down at a time like this. so i guess he realized he was ruining everyone else's time and stopped it, which was all i wanted. so he took little A home, great dinner, and great sex were had. we were supposed to go to my parents' but it was just a really inconvenient and inappropriate time considering the shitty week. i'm really glad i didn't allow myself to get pressured into it because we really needed some time to ourselves. i've been sleeping well lately. i still have trouble falling asleep, but i've been falling asleep right after boy gets up for work in the morning which was one of my biggest hurdles for the longest time. at first i couldn't fall asleep at all, then it would take a couple hours (i had to get a sleeping mask because i'd be awake until the sun came up), then it would take until he left the house (the sound of him filling his cooler with ice, and an owl outside my window), and now i'm going down right after he leaves the room. some of the things that really disrupted my life and made me miserable before have been remedied and now i am happier than ever, even though i am in precarious situations in so many other ways. strangely. but is it? some of us need to be happy inside first for any of that other stuff to matter, i guess. as i've been cleaning and organizing and doing inventory i am shocked at how much stuff i bought that i just never had time or energy to use or do. so much money!! it's so true that money can't buy happiness. now i look at these things and am partially filled with regret, but some gratitude that i have it now when i need it. i feel so frustrated sometimes that i set myself back really far by taking that job i never wanted and all of that stuff. but i wouldn't be here today, as i am. and i don't think i would have the passion or commitment that i do now if i had never been there. i am letting my heart lead me. sometimes i have to remind myself when i get scared. |