i try to avoid talking about his fucking absolutely certifiably insane ex-wife* because she really is just such a negative spot in this world and our relationship that it's better if i keep it as minimized as possible. you know, don't give your energy to the problem, give it to the solution? well, i try. really hard. but she is just so insufferable and ... crazy!!! that sometimes i have to let it spill out.

i'm having trouble deciding if i should tell it how it happened, or how i experienced it, but i guess i'll just tell how it happened since it's chronological and will maybe make more sense.

so we had little A this weekend, as i said. boy had to work saturday, so i watched him all day saturday, then we went to the circus that night. i don't remember if i mentioned it or not, but i was really mad on saturday night ALSO because boy slept in little A's room, which has caused ridiculous scenes in the past AND very recently.* we went to the car show on sunday, both days having a great time (with the exception of boy's shitty ass attitude for 75% of the weekend).

*(backstory: little A is an 8 year old, boy says he's way too old to be requiring a parent to sleep with him, insane ex disagrees and continues to sleep with him every night, when little A started coming here he wanted dad to sleep with him all the time, boy refused, huge tantrums were had, and finally after a year or so [as in, now finally] he will sleep alone, but only after begging and whining and pouting. recently, like a month or so ago, he tried to get boy to sleep with him, and started crying and acting ridiculous. when boy refused again, he claimed that he was scared, and when he realized that wasn't going to work, he claimed that he was allergic to my cats, and wanted boy to take him home in the middle of the night. boy said, "do you understand that if you're REALLY allergic to cats, you're not allowed to come over anymore?" [yet another huge dramafest occurred over this supposed cat allergy - he's mildly allergic to them, but crazy ex tried to use this as fuel to keep him from EVER coming over here again] and little A said yes so boy took him home. he wasn't allowed to come back over, then, until one day boy is talking to him on the phone and little A is like, "so am i coming over this weekend?" and boy is like "i thought you were allergic to cats?" and little A is like, "i'm not allergic to cats, what are you talking about?" and so this story accomplishes two things: you see that little A realizes that he can lie and manipulate his parents, and that boy sleeping with him on saturday just made THAT situation even more difficult to resolve.)

so he takes little A home sunday afternoon, talked to him later that night to say goodnight, and life moved on.

okay. so yesterday morning, crazybitch starts texting boy about "you better get your money together!" (meaning, for the divorce that she is suddenly on board for, despite the fact that boy has been trying to do this forever [but it is extremely difficult!!! to get divorced in NJ without a laywer or a willing partner]! every time he thought he was close, something happened to prevent it from succeeding: every lawyer is like $5,000+, and since it's such a difficult situation between them, we've been told to expect that that is the minimum price; we went to the library and filled out all the paperwork for a self-service divorce, but when my mom's lawyer looked at it for us for free, we were told that crazybitch would take him out to dry in court since she has no income and would get free representation and he would be without a lawyer; crazybitch said that she would meet him at the courthouse to just sign the divorce papers, and every time they scheduled a date to do it and boy got off early from work, she wouldn't show up; finally, boy found "the divorce center" and was just going to pay the $400 to do it there, because we're out of options, which brings us to the present day.) these texts are unknown to me because i don't talk to boy until the afternoon.

also yesterday morning, little A tells crazybitch that boy and i were making out and having sex in front of him (!!!), that boy hits him and tells him to "shut the fuck up!" and that he is scared of boy. all of this is totally ridiculous because boy and i have always been careful to avoid displaying affection in front of him so he doesn't feel awkward. we don't even hug or hold hands in front of him, let alone kiss. and i don't believe in profanity in front of children, so i never ever do, whereas boy does occasionally but it's never directed at him. we are very cautious and deliberate in what we allow him to see and know about our relationship. so this claim was simply preposterous. this was unknown to BOTH boy and i until yesterday afternoon.

so, yesterday he comes home on the phone, and i could hear her awful voice, so i just stayed in the other room and played with boycat. the conversation was okay at first, but i could tell little A did something bad that they were trying to figure out how to deal with. boy was going on about how they needed to both sit down and talk to him about it. then, it continues on to a pleasant conversation about scheduling the divorce. at this point, since i was in the other room, i could only hear his side of the conversation. and i hear him first just telling her the days he was available, and to let him know a couple days in advance so he can get off early. then, i hear him saying, "i'll pay you the day," which was clearly in response to her saying that she couldn't take off of work to go do it. then, i hear him say, "[crazybitch], really!? 'if that's what i want'!?" and i knew then, that just like every time, she's trying to avoid it again! she's doing it again!! do you understand that boy and i have been together for 2.5 years now, 1.5 of which he has been living with me?? that they have almost been separated as long as they'd been together??? what the fuck!

so i hear him saying, "you're SO FUCKING OBVIOUS!" and then at that point i just went upstairs to start dinner. so i hear him still yelling, and then he's like shrieking at her that she's fucking crazy, and he gets off the phone.

i go back down there and he starts relaying the story of little A's big lie that morning, and i couldn't believe it! but what i couldn't believe more was the fact that she didn't call boy about it in the morning when it happened, didn't mention it at all when she started texting him about getting his money ready for the divorce. the fact that she didn't say anything about it made him think that she had made it up, because she does things like that. so when boy is talking to her on the phone yesterday afternoon, he asks to speak to little A so he can establish where this story came from. to both of our surprise, little A actually did make it up!! boy said he finally got it out of him just before he walked in the door. (he said little A was crying and saying he didn't know why he said it, and he admitted to his mother that he lied. so boy says she's in the background screaming, "what's the matter with you? are you confused(?) or something?" so naturally little A sees this as the perfect cop-out and just responds that he's confused to every question they ask him. he gets off the phone and disappears and then it's just crazybitch and boy, which brings us to the point where he entered the house and i began overhearing the rest of the conversation).

so he tells me that he and crazybitch were talking about how they are going to sit down with him and talk to him about his lying, which has been out of control lately (and probably totally learned from his insane mother), and then that transitioned into the divorce conversation, which she had brought up that morning via text. at first she was being an adult about it, then when he started making concrete plans and asked, "what day do you want to go?" she started talking like a little kid and was like, "i'm not telling!" and finally came out with the "if that's what you want" line, and she hung up on him.

he's standing there, relaying this conversation to me, and he's receiving all these texts. when he read them, the blood just kind of drained from his face, and he said, "[tinea], she really is crazy. she's insane." and started reading me the texts. the first one was about how she'd go with him to the divorce place if that's what he really wanted, but she's "trying so hard to make it work" (!?) and she doesn't understand why he's doing this (!?!?). then the next one? "at least i will go to my grave knowing that i was a good wife who stood by her man til the end."

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!????????????? what the fuck is this woman TALKING ABOUT!? forreal! like i am honestly so dumbfounded sometimes that this person is like this. you always hear stories about nightmare exes doing crazy shit, but you never really think that those people exist, i guess. at least i never really did. like i always kind of thought that the stories were embellished or grew from something that really happened into some kind of urban legend of sorts. but no, we've got this shit in writing. it's documented. it really really happens. and she is really really nutso.

so who the fuck knows about the divorce now. i guess he's still going to go to the divorce center to do it, but she knows that the process can be prolonged by refusing to sign the papers. it's all a game for her. partially a game, and partially delusions that they're getting back together. i just can't believe it.

oh and also, he managed to ask her why she waited so long to tell him about the big lie, and she said, "well i assumed that you really did it so i didn't see a need to call." ...................?

i'm just so annoyed. boy said he was sorry for putting me through this, and i told him it was okay because it's happening to him. as lame as it is for me, i know it's 100x worse for him.

as disinterested as i have been for so long (my entire life) about children, this only drives yet another nail into the long buried coffin. occasionally i feel a twinge of "oh it would be neat to see what our kid looked like," but it's not hard to shut it down immediately, especially in light of how awful this will become as this child gets older. i said the other day, after little A did or said some ridiculous thing, "he's going to be a miserable teenager," and boy followed up with, "i know. he's going to be me times 100." at least boy got his ass beat when he was a kid, which kept him from going fully into the deep end. little A has no discipline whatsoever. after he got done getting yelled at for making up the "sex scandal," as we're calling it, he was right back in the other room, watching tv and playing video games. oh, did i mention that crazybitch was having this conversation while at her friend's house, while little A was hanging out with 3 of his friends? yeah. who needs to do the right thing when there are absolutely no repercussions for your actions?

i raised my brother from this age to adulthood, and now this kid is in my life. i have absolutely no interest in doing this again, ever. it's bad enough that this is just the prologue to a number of years of hell that i am sure are coming our way.

i wish that this kid's mother would stop screwing him up. it's so not fair to him, and is going to make so many things difficult for him in the future.

** my feminist friends post things like this on fb and i totally support that message in regard to normal women. but we're talking a legit crazy person here. boy told me a terrifying story about years ago, when he first walked out on crazybitch. he said he stayed with an old female friend from high school (J) a couple nights, and had told crazybitch only who he was staying with, not where. he said that one night, while he was sleeping on the couch in J's living room, he had a dream that he looked out the window and saw crazybitch standing in the rain, looking in the window at him(!). he was freaked the fuck out (who wouldn't be?). some months later, they were arguing about the separation, and she was accusing him of cheating on her with J when he stayed there. he said, "i never did anything with J, i just hung out there and slept on the couch! we're just friends!" and she replied without thinking, "I KNOW, I WAS THERE." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! boy said he was the closest he had ever been to shitting his pants from fear. he was like, "what do you mean you were there?" and she said, "i found out her address and went there to see what you were doing."

it was not a dream, it really happened. she is fucking. nuts.

2012-12-17: heavy.
2012-12-15: undertow.
2012-12-14: nothing new.
2012-12-11: so, how was it?
2012-12-06: sex and physical therapy don't mix.



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i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.