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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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enough already!

2012-03-01 @ 3:04 p.m.

high anxiety day.

we had a really shitty night last night. it was neither of our faults, but it wasted a lot of time on the only night that he's been home before 7pm in weeks. i hate it when people don't know how to do their jobs. like, not even when people are BAD at their jobs, because you know, no one's perfect and varying skill levels are to be expected. i mean when a person is working a job, charging a LOT of money for their service compared to the other people doing the same thing, but they actually do not know how to perform the basics of their profession. really really really annoying to me.

but anyway, i'm just feeling crazy and scared and anxious and like i don't measure up. what i'm getting ready to do is a big thing. it's a big launch. i'm going to be "out there." what if people don't like me? what if they think i'm extra lame? what if i'm too socially awkward to be successful? what if i do it wrong?

i know better. i KNOW that i can do it because i've done it before. but for some reason, now, it seems so much scarier than it did back then. i'm trying so hard to quiet the negative voice, but some days it's so loud that i find myself listening. i start wondering if maybe it's on to something.

but it's not. i know it's not.

i really need a fucking therapist or something. i was thinking that in bed last night. it would probably just be a lot of money that i can't afford to spend.

i need to just chill out. smoke and play some video games. clear my head out. my period is coming soon. i think that's why i'm like this today. i guess everyone has a little anxiety attack right before the big game.

i just lost 75 fucking pounds and turned my life around. i can do anything. enough already.