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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
always goodness.
2012-03-02 @ 11:01 p.m.
i didn't write about this this morning because i thought i was being too sensitive, and didn't want to make it a big deal, but turns out i was right to have had a funny feeling about it. last night i was like hey yay let's celebrate this weekend because i made it to my original goal. i was going to tell him when we were driving but instead decided to wait until we were back home so i could show him an old picture for reference. you know sometimes because you see a person every day, you don't notice the little things. so i told him and showed him my before picture, and he clearly looked horrified, and didn't say anything. and i just sat there for a minute, like waiting for something? and i just kept talking, saying like yeah so it's a big accomplishment so i want to do something awesome! and he's like barely engaged, just kind of vaguely says yeah okay, and i'm so confused. so a couple minutes of silence go by, and i said, aren't you excited? and he's like yeah, it's great. and nothing. so while i felt kind of disappointed that he wasn't more enthusiastic, i'm a fucking superhero so i realized i need to be excited for myself. so today he comes home and i walked down the stairs to greet him, and he kisses me hello and says that he didn't say anything last night because he didn't want to seem rude, but he couldn't believe how horrible i looked before. he said he was honestly shocked. and i said i know, i couldn't believe it either when i saw it. i mean if i didn't have such a distinctive look then you wouldn't even know i was the same person. but he continued on that he never wanted to say that when he first saw me again, when i first opened the door that night, he almost turned around to leave, but the first paragraph of speech out of my mouth excited him so much that he had to have more. he said that every relationship he had in the past was with someone who was hot, like as the only basis on which he was dating them. they were total jerks, no personality, no jobs, no social skills, no conversational skills, but they looked good so he tolerated them until another, better one came along. but then when he met me again he realized that i was the opposite experience - i had all of those things that he realized made him truly happy. he said that he realized that personality can't be changed, but looks can be. and he was so consistently happy with me that he was willing to compromise. he said that despite his crazy brain, and all of the negative thoughts he always has swirling around in there, he never has a negative thought about me. he said his brain, that always manages to ruin even the best of times, never tries to ruin me. there are the days that we're annoyed with each other or he's just in a generally bad mood, but i am the one consistently good thing in his life, no matter what. he was struggling so much to explain himself, and was just so many hands and facial expressions and long pauses. but he never wants to talk about feelings. but here he was. he gave me the biggest hug and i kissed all over the side of his head. i told him that i can't imagine life without him. i think all the time about how wildly different our lives would be if i had said no. if i had chosen pride over love. who would be next to me, snoring away? whose hand would i hold? i think if i had, my heart would never be whole. i'm sure of it. |