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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
just thinking.
2012-03-09 @ 9:31 p.m.
we did so much today. i am absolutely exhausted and have a totally wild few days ahead of me in terms of driving. to tattoos and back tomorrow, then on monday i have to go almost as far to my brother's wife's wedding dress thing. i really think she's the best ever and i didn't even think before telling her i would be there for it, because if i HAD i would have remembered that i was driving fucking 173 miles just 48 hours prior and am not really in the mood to rock out another 160 so soon. jesus. especially through the clusterfuck of states i have to pass through, and with a throbbing, bruised arm. ugh. i'd better stop talking about it before i no longer want to do it at all. trying to get sleepy. i'll take another benadryl at 10. i need to keep my energy up tomorrow. i had all these really fantastic thoughts today but was so busy that i couldn't get any written down, and now here i am with nothing to say. i was thinking about how i saw a picture of me on fb that was taken a couple days ago by my brother's friend. i was cooking and smiling in the kitchen. this same friend snapped a number of photos of me over the summer, too, and seeing them near each other made me realize how different i look. i know i say it all the time, but it's so jarring to me still. like when i went to get new jeans the other day, i automatically walked to the plus section. didn't even think. walked by all of the cute stuff in the front, didn't even look at it, because i could NEVER fit in it before. but the other day i put on a shirt that just a month ago was too small, and it fit like a glove. it's just so weird when your body and brain don't match at all. i wonder when i will get used to it. i was also thinking about how strange it is when a song completely communicates how you feel. well for me, how i felt. i will first admit that i am one of those people who are immediately critical and skeptical of things that have become popular, because most people are really fucking stupid, and so anything they like is probably equally as asinine. so everyone's into city and colour these days, so i assumed they were just nonsense aside from "the girl," which pandora played for me. i then wrongly went on assuming that the album was nonsense until i heard "sleeping sickness" a couple of days ago and can't get it off repeat. it is the first and only song that has ever fully and completely described every feeling and emotion that i had then. i will also admit here that i'm not a huge music person. my likes are extremely particular, and i dislike most things. if i don't like something, i can't stand to hear it (country music. i can't even articulate the depth of my hatred for it. it is truly like nails on a chalkboard to me). so hearing this song kind of helped me understand where people are coming from when they have really passionate reactions to music. when they say a song spoke to them. because i understand what it feels like to be really touched by a song. i understand how music can make you feel things. how it can manipulate your emotions and make you think about life. i get all that. but i've never felt such a strong connection to an artist because of their song. because i have never heard someone write and arrange and sing the words inside me that i've never been able to communicate on my own. literally and metaphorically. it's really something when you realize that there is someone else out there who understands exactly how you feel. i have a lot of good days now. many more good than bad lately. but this makes me tear up a little because it's just like my old body: it's familiar. the feeling is so familiar. and so sad. the boy is snoring away beside me, and he just reached out his arm all the way across me. it's resting on my chest. i love him so much it's ridiculous. stupid things like this heavy, sleeping arm, when he starts laughing so hard it turns into this comical giggle, the way he smells, how in the morning when he kisses me goodbye, he uses his phone to see me in the dark, and how cute it is when the light goes out in mid-lean and he misses my lips and kisses my eye or nose. he always giggles then, too. i love how much we laugh together. i think that's so important. i'm going down. sleepytime. |