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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
still alive.
2012-03-26 @ 9:55 a.m.
i'm watching the amityville horror for what may be the 20th+ time. i wish i could explain what it is about this movie, but it's one of my favorite horror movies ever. I KNOW it's really random. but james brolin is just ... so! like, it's not even that i find him at all good looking. he's simply a crazy fuck in this movie and it delights me so. and there are just so many scenes that are so good. i was going to tell you about my #1 favorite horror movie of all time, but as i was passionately describing my favorite things about it i realized that if anyone i knew in real life somehow stumbled across this diary, they would immediately know it was me. i am that ridiculous about it, and have made everyone i know watch it with me at least once. so i can't say much about it except that i have seen [my favorite movie] probably at least 100 times by now, and that it is one of many remakes of the same film. but i like this particular remake the most. every time i so i'm just rolling by because this kind of bothered me, and i sort of want to release it. i got up this morning and was washing my face, thinking about what i have to do today. and i remembered that boy wanted to get some wood chips so we can smoke these ribs we bought yesterday. so since i have never purchased wood chips in person before, only online, i didn't know where to buy them, but figured that i would check at the local tractor supply first since it's 5 minutes from my house. but then i remembered how really awkward and uncomfortable i was last time i went there, and that made me remember how many awkward racist encounters i have in life in general. and it's kind of funny, because boy will tell me these stories about work, and i'm always like really? people are still racist? i just feel like man, it's 2012 already guys! right? because i was watching this movie the other day, and there was this incredibly! racist scene in it, and this was a mainstream, very popular movie. and it wasn't there to like, show us how racism is wrong or anything. it was there, standing alone. it was exactly what it was. it was showing the only minorities in the entire film, doing the only illegal thing in the film, acting violent and uncivilized. in fact, there was more screen time for this black guy who was rioting, fighting, and behaving generally like a gorilla than there was for the [only] black "main" character. i looked around wildly when i realized what was happening, and best friend was just laughing, because she said, "i didn't even want to say anything. i wanted you to be the one to say it," beacause it was so obvious what was happening!! like whenever a black guy dies first in a movie, everyone always waits for the black guy in the room to be outraged, because he deserves to be! it's not even a coincidence anymore, it's a fucking joke. and like all of these thoughts were swirling around in my head, making me so mad first thing in the morning, and i was thinking, this is what drove dave chappelle crazy. a lot of people didn't "get" what happened with him, because they can never understand what it's like being a minority in this world and this culture in the first place. his comedy was about laughing at this kind of shit to keep yourself from crying. i read an article about him right after he disappeared to africa and turned down that 3rd season of his show and $50 million. the article provided all of the events leading up to his disappearance and the general gist was "we'll never know why dave disappeared until dave tells us," and even now, most articles claim it was because he wasn't given artistic freedom, the network was mistreating him, people were playing out all of his jokes, he didn't want to be a "yes man," or whatever. but i understood it immediately. if you didn't hear, this really racist scene was being filmed, and this white guy who was there was laughing a little too hard, and a little too long. dave realized at that moment, "oh no. they don't get it. they're not laughing with me, they're laughing at me." but there's a deeper level to it. it's also: "i am putting something dangerous into the wrong hands." for us, it was a laugh of "i know, i've been there." but for the rest ... you can never know. i think that is truly what it was. so i was just so bothered by that scene, and still am. and i'm so bothered by how people still behave this way, still believe these things. that certain stores and certain places still need to be traversed with caution. when boy and i went thrifting the other day, i easily had about 20 things and he had 5. boy was standing near me, but slightly behind me, because we were checking out separately. it took the man at the register about 5 minutes to sort all of my things by tag color and check the prices. not once did he look at me. when he asked if we were getting ready for summer with all of these clothes, he asked boy, whose things were not even on the counter. i responded to the question, since i was standing right in front of the man, and it was ME checking out. he said nothing to me in response, and continued looking at boy, who finally nodded politely, seemingly surprised that the guy was asking him this question instead of me. the total price was given to boy, and not me, despite my having my wallet and debit card in hand and visible to the man standing directly in front of me. when i handed back my signed receipt, i decided to made it a point to look right into this guy's face until he acknowledged my presence, but he never did. even all the way through boy's transaction. i stood right there at the counter with him. nothing. racism? misogyny? both? does it really matter which? |