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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
returning from the weekend.
2012-04-23 @ 7:59 p.m.
i'm having a hard time putting what i want to say into words. perhaps it's because i don't know what i want to say. today it truly is a jumble. we went up yesterday afternoon to my mom's house to spend the night because i needed to check in on my grandmother since everyone's out of town. she fell about a week ago, getting into her chair, and bruised her tailbone pretty badly. she couldn't get up because she doesn't have the upper body strength to lift herself from the floor, so she had to call 911 and since she keeps her house so ridiculously locked up in the such a ridiculously rural town, they had to break down the door to go get her. she was telling us the story about it, and says (in her amazing southern accent), "the ambulance man came in and says, 'are you hurt? do you need to go to the hospital?' and i said, 'no, young man, i just need to get back in my chair!' i think he thought i was dying or somethin!" she's amazing. i love her to death. so anyway, she's still super sore and shaky when she walks around, so she's using a walker for the time being, and can't do dishes or cook or anything. earlier in the day yesterday and most of saturday, i cooked up a ton of meals that could be frozen and packed them up in labelled takeout containers so she only has to microwave and then drop it in the dishwasher. as you well know, i love to cook so this didn't put me out at all (and i love my granny so i'd do pretty much anything for her), and it is a huge help to my mom and stepdad who have been cooking her dinner each night and then taking it over to her house. i was also happy to do it because as we were talking to my grandmother further, she kept saying how she hates how everyone is babying her. she's 88 years old but she's seriously a fireball, and i know it bothers her sometimes that she's getting older and things will continue to get a little bit harder to do by herself. she doesn't want anyone to worry about her, but we do. as absolutely insane as she is sometimes, none of us would be able to do without her. oh my goodness, and i almost forgot. i went over today before i drove back home and we just hung out for a couple hours and chatted, and we're talking about boy and the fucking horrible moustache he's STILL growing that she was making fun of the night before (and which interrupted sex AGAIN last night!! UGH!@O!@O#I!), and she's like, "well he certainly is a nice fella. and he ain't hard to look at, either." and i think it's so funny because she mentions how cute he is all the time. and boy always acts like SUPER GENTLEMANLY around her, because he loves southern women and everyone loves my grandmother. so it's just the most precious thing ever that he makes her blush. i keep talking to my brother about this girlfriend situation and he keeps telling me that he's all about second chances and everything because so many people gave him a second chance even after all of the horrible shit he did a few years ago. and i totally understand where he's coming from, and if i were him i would probably feel similarly morally obligated to give others a second chance. but i, as someone who had horrible shit done to me by him, still feel that while you may believe in second chances, they should only be given under reasonable circumstances. and she's exhausted all of them. there have been so many chances for her to answer a phonecall, a text, respond to a message on fb, leave a note, relay a message. there have been so many people willing to extend the olive branch for just ... any scrap of an explanation. even a simple, "i just really wasn't into you anymore." okay. most people have been there before. yeah the stakes were pretty high when you decided that, but it's cool man. but it's just gone so above and beyond that i am sure this girl has absolutely no empathy, no regard for anyone else but herself. people keep saying, oh well it's just that she's immature. but how far do you let someone go on immaturity? when does it become an issue of a person simply being ... a bad person with no conscience? we're both worried about money. we need more of it, and we want more of it. we need more because our savings are blown. i guess we're doing about as well as (or better than? who really knows what the economy is like anymore) most people in that regard, that we're just kind of treading water. but if something big came up, we were just discussing today, we'd be screwed. and then boy wants to do stuff like get a motorcycle and a dog. the dog was a big fucking fight the other day because his friend texts him that there were these puppies available (my favorite breed) and he's like, "so ... can we get one?" and i was like, "uh, there's a lot of other stuff we have to pay for before we can do that." and he's like, all nasty, "if you don't want to get a dog you can just tell me." and i'm like (and this is as we're getting in bed to go to sleep, late as hell at night), "i want to get one, and i've wanted to for a long time, but there are a lot of things that we have to make sure of first before we just go get a dog." and he's like "yeah yeah. sure. mmhmm. so we're still not getting a dog." and i was like whatever man, if that's how you want to be. but you're just being a douche about it because you know i'm right. he's never had any kind of pet before. he has no idea the cost and maintenance of a dog. cats are SO much easier when it comes to that. what do they need? food, litter, and a couple empty cardboard boxes. done. this still didn't really touch on what i really wanted to write about, but i still can't really organize that into anything that's coherent. just a lot of body image thoughts, weight loss thoughts, appearance thoughts. thoughts about boy. thoughts about atheism and the universe. learning things about people that i wish i never found out. more thoughts about boy. wondering why my mother can go from sending me the most horrible texts in the world one second and then the next being sugary sweet. and why doesn't she realize this is not helping me. my mental health in general. what i want for the future. wishing i could remember my dreams more often. wishing i could remember the past more clearly. wondering how i got so lucky as to find boycat, who is my one true little romeo. the perfect guy for me. i finished writing this, woke boy up because he fell asleep in front of the xbox, and tried to get him to come upstairs with me because he said he wanted to have ice cream. so i wake him up and he keeps falling asleep as soon as he finishes talking. one of the times he was just talking gibberish in his sleep. so finally i get him up because i've been standing there ten minutes talking to him, trying to get him to get up, and he walks up here and walks directly upstairs to bed. and i'm like ...? so i go up there and say, "uh you're going to bed?" because the plan was to play video games, eat ice cream, and enjoy sexytime. and he was like "yeah you just told me to go get in bed." and i said no i didn't, i told you to come upstairs because you said you wanted to have ice cream. and he's like "oh dlnfngzlg vclbm.vc.m zzzzz." and !!!! it's so annoying to talk to him in his sleep!! there are not many things that i really hate about him and would want him to change. the only other one that comes to mind really is his shitty attitude sometimes. but #1 on my list is fucking please go get hypnosis or something so you stop saying shit to me in your sleep (especially the very rude shit) that you don't remember 10 seconds later!! we have had full conversations while he was asleep. it drives me absolutely nuts. i'd say that at least ... maybe up to 50% of our fights happen because of his sleep talking; it'll be something that he said (that rude shit i was talking about), or he'll have a sleep conversation with me and not remember it, and then get confused/frustrated when i start talking about it, or i'll get confused/frustrated when he doesn't remember that he said whatever it was. it's an all around no-win situation. i will admit that there were a couple of really hilarious gibberish things he's said, but there are like 10 times more annoying things that have happened as a result of it so i'm willing to let it go. |