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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
thinking.
2012-04-24 @ 10:55 p.m.
it's only 10:55 but i'm in bed already because i had indian food for dinner, first meal of the day really, and it was too much. tummy hurty. i rubbed the boy then used the "drill," as he always calls it, which always makes me laugh, because it's just a handheld massager that looks more like a hairdryer than a drill, but it has this "deep tissue" attachment that probably does feel like it's drilling into your soul. he always makes me laugh. i am so thankful for that, i can't even tell you. and i guess this is some of that indescribable stuff i'm thinking about. like how much this thing with my brother has really shaken everyone up. because when you take it all in, you're forced to reflect on the nature of others. and you realize, you never really know anyone. even as well as you think you do. i watch the murder channel all the time. i know i always say this too, but it never stops surprising? intriguing? horrifying? depressing? me how a person can be a stranger to you even after 30 years of marriage. crazy things like that. but to me, to us, i know that it has made us think about our relationship. we haven't really explicitly said anything to each other, but we've been pulling a little closer. saying that extra something. i think it made us more aware of that little fear that's always in the back of your mind in a relationship, that little tiny doubt. i think that for both of us, it's pretty far back there. we both know how much we need each other. but i would bet my life that at least once boy has looked over at me and thought, "how well do i know her?" and how could you not? you never know. i know we all have thought about how we'd feel in my brother's situation too. i can't even begin to imagine how i would survive without boy. i really can't. he is such a bright spot in my life. everything that he makes me feel is the definition of joy. i know i mention our sappy ass story so much but really. he has the secret key to my heart. our souls are entwined. never have i felt so much a part of another person. and for all i feel about him, i know my brother felt, and still feels the same way about his (now officially ex) girlfriend. so my heart literally aches when i think about what this girl has done to him. i think about it a lot, each day, and it feels like my chest is going to cave in. he's such a good kid. he thought he had the rest of his life in order. and now all that, and his best friend, are both gone. why? and i am so lucky. and every day when he wakes me up to kiss me goodbye, i am so thankful. so so grateful that i get to have this. i know there are so many people who don't. i never take it for granted. i never will. |