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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
catching up.
2012-05-15 @ 11:12 a.m.
hello. okay. so i told you my brother moved in weeks ago. things were going great, and he was telling us all about how he's changing his life for the better and all of that shit. one of the only rules we had was that there were to be no people over the house unless they were his friends J (the one i hung out with a couple weeks ago when my brother passed out on us), S, T, or this girl J who i love (one of the few girls i actually get along with). i said it at least three times leading up to my brother moving in, and both boy and i said it when he got here. we absolutely do not want people over. under any circumstances, unless they are the aforementioned friends. so one night a week ago (or was it two weeks ago now? so much has happened), i walk downstairs from bed at about midnight because there was a stinkbug on the ceiling that i couldn't reach and definitely didn't want to let walk on my face while i'm sleeping. so i go down to ask my brother's advice as to what to do without waking boy up, but i see a strange fucking girl sitting with him on the couch! and i'm like what the fuck dude!? of course i didn't say that then, i just asked him what he would do, but i was immediately seething. like, so full of rage my hands were shaking. seriously, after only one week of being here? and i'm extending my hospitality to you and allowing you to live here in my home, which both boy and i were so reluctant to do in the first place, but decided to because it's the right thing. and who else is going to help you right now? so needless to say i was so fucking pissed. SO PISSED. so i sent him a really angry text telling him that it's the ONLY thing we told him NOT to do when he moved in here, so what the fuck. and to take this random girl home immediately. i waited about 15 minutes, and when i didn't hear him leaving, i came back downstairs to take some sleeping pills and told him to take her home right now. i could barely go to sleep that night because i was so fucking mad. the next day he comes downstairs in the morning and is acting like nothing happened. and i'm like forreal, what the fuck dude. and he said he was drunk or some nonsense, and that's why he did it, because he didn't want to drive. and i told him that i really didn't care what reason he could possibly have, there is no reason or excuse that he could give me that would justify breaking the one and only rule we had. i couldn't even talk to him that day, and when i told boy when he came home from work, he was furious as well. i emailed my dad that he really needed to speak to my brother about respecting my home, and to impress upon him the seriousness of the situation. my dad's home is and was in shambles. my brother moved out and up here because he can't be in the same house with my stepmother. my brother needed to understand that if he fucks this up, he's out and done. my dad said he absolutely couldn't come back there yet, not with all that was going on with him and my stepmom. what's going on over there. in the context of this incident, my dad and stepmom are having a really awkward, strained time together. my dad fully supports her. everything that is hers is his. so he asks her to be honest with him and tell him if she has been going to see her daughter (remember, her daughter is my stepsister and my brother's now ex-girlfriend) and/or if she has been spending his money to help her daughter out. my dad explicitly told her not to do the latter, and wanted to know if she's been sneaking around when he wasn't home to go see her, because every time my dad or brother wanted to know where daughter was and what was going on (she still hasn't given my brother a reason for leaving him), she said she didn't know. so really what my dad was asking is, "are you lying right to my face?" and though she didn't say yes, my dad looked up his credit card records and saw that indeed she had been, and my brother busted her at her daughter's job when she said she wasn't there. so my dad tried to get them into counseling, and stepmom sat there and lied right to the counselor about what was going on with all of them. he was so frustrated, and so hurt. i didn't realize it until my brother mentioned it today, but they've been married 10 years. i really liked her. but my dad is not going to sit around and allow his life partner to lie to him and take advantage of him. not cool. he totally understands the need to defend her daughter and to help her out. but not at the expense of everything and everyone else. so i was still reeling from what happened with my brother on monday. still really angry by the violation of my home, and we weren't really speaking. boy comes home from work on wednesday or thursday and tells me that he's super pissed off because he was supposed to go pick up little A to play baseball and hang out after work but his jackass ex wasn't answering the phone ALL DAY. as these words left his mouth, he got a phone call from a strange number. so he answers it, and it's ex's mom telling him that ex is in a mental hospital. he's like what the fuck? is this a joke? and she says no, that she was acting extra erratic the day before, and that morning she actually secretly followed ex when she said she was taking little A to school because she was worried that she wasn't really going to take him there, but she did. so ex's mom calls home later in the afternoon to see if she got little A off the bus, and the cops answer the phone at her house and say that they're taking ex away. the neighbors called them because ex had driven the car up into the yard, almost into the house, and was just standing in the middle of the lawn ranting incoherently. when they searched her, she had over an ounce of weed (!) on her and like two pockets FULL of oxys and vicodins. her mom goes to the hospital to see her, and she's screaming that her mom isn't her real mom, and neither is her dad; these strangers kidnapped her when she was a few months old and have been holding her hostage for 29 years. she also says that she won't allow anyone but boy in to see her "because he'll understand." uh, no. so he's barely able to tell me of this transaction before her whole family is blowing him up, asking who's going to take care of little A. grandmother doesn't want him because she's raised her kids and doesn't need to raise another one. one of his ex brother in laws who lives about 15 minutes from here called to see if he was going to take little A, because ex always told everyone he didn't care about him and never wanted to see him. this was the perfect opportunity for boy to get in an "i told you so," (you know, that she was literally crazy) and to tell them that he always wanted to see his son, but he was never allowed to because she would avoid his phonecalls and not be there when he came. he was so happy that finally, finally, he could be around his kid. i, however, was not as excited. you already know how much i hate kids. this whole thing is just so many changes to my life so quickly. my brother, and what just went on with him, and now we're going to have this person here who is completely dependent. we can't come and go as we please anymore. now there's always another body to consider in everything we do. we can't smoke around the house whenever we want, we can't have sex everywhere anymore. my brother moving in really killed the sex adventures, but now it's like, at least my brother goes out all the time. what is this 8 year old going to do? and then, what about school? he can't do anything for himself. his mother really fucking screwed him up because he's so immature for his age. he's like a 5 year old. he can't dress himself, he can't shower himself, he can't get his own food or drinks, he can barely change the channel of the tv on his own. there's so much that would suddenly become my responsibility because boy is always working. and then let's not even get started on how this would affect the dynamic of boy's and my relationship. this is something we don't even know yet. i already know this sounds selfish and i don't care what anyone thinks, but when you purposefully have a kid you usually have like 9 months to get adjusted to these things that are going to change about your life. even when you adopt or foster you have more notice for your entire life becoming completely different forever than like, 3 hours. because as soon as boy told me all of that stuff about what happened on the phone, and what all was going on, he had to leave to go meet crazy at the hospital because he was the only one she would talk to, then he had to go pick up little A and bring him here. so he goes up there to meet crazy and she's just telling him all of this totally insane stuff. he said she was going on about radium in the water giving her asperger's (ha. yeah.), how her "parents" kidnapped her when he was little and would never let her drink anything? and on and on. boy said he sat there and listened to all of this and just looked at her and said, "do you realize where you are right now? what's going on?" and she says, yeah, they think i'm crazy. and he said yeah, that's because you are. and do you realize that you're going to lose [little A] right now? like, that i'm taking him. i am going to get custody of him. do you understand? and she said she did. so with that, he said he'd catch her later and left. the next days he had to really take care of himself because we were preparing for punk rock flea market. we were doing hard 12 hour days and i just did not have the time to do anything with him. finally, now, on wednesday, i have a moment of respite. i'm still not thrilled about this whole thing, but i said to best friend the other day: "boy must really be the one if i'm willing to tolerate this kid situation." and she said she knows what i mean, because she honestly can't believe it herself. she said really? that she is so shocked and surprised that i am entertaining this at all. i told her i think it's because i didn't really have time to process the whole thing, and most importantly? i love boy so much that i would do (almost) anything for him. almost anything. my stance on having a kid has not, and will not change. this is quite enough for me, forever. so here we are. today i have to take little A to get a physical so he can start school on friday, then best friend and i have some business to attend to. if we're going to look for the silver lining here, i'm really happy he's 8 and not like, 3. because if that were the case, none of this would be going on at all. oh, and my air conditioner is broken again! wtf! this is a real problem because last year i was told that there's a leak somewhere in the duct work and the only way to figure out where it is is to rip out all of my ceilings and examine them. so. this is weird. so much has changed in such a short time. strangely, though, boy and i have been having unbelievable sex. though we can't be noisy anymore, or do it when we want to, i think that boy is feeling less depressed and so much more happy and that's why it's been so fun and satisfying. this is what he's always wanted, so i am happy about that. it's so rare that we get exactly what we've dreamed of forever, so seeing him get to be the great dad that he's always wanted to be does warm my heart a little. he texted me this morning a thank you for being so amazing, and i thought it was really sweet. without my saying it, he knows how put out i have been feeling, so i am happy that he took the time to tell me he appreciates how much i'm doing. all i need is to feel appreciated, and most of the time, it will make things better. |