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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
hay sup.
2012-06-13 @ 10:27 a.m.
i seriously feel like i'm going nuts. i just want to rip my fucking hair out. like how much more stressed can a person get before they just freak out? last time i wrote, we were getting ready to have an awesome day on saturday. and we did. the weather was amazing, everything went exactly as planned. it was really one of those days that you couldn't possibly have improved. it was nothing but smiles, kisses, holding hands, and talking about why we like each other so much. just fantastic! and a lot of great food, but not so much as to render our little workout pointless. we had awesome awesome sex that night, too. both little A and my brother were gone, so we got in bed super late and just had a totally leisurely sexytime. it was so nice; i just sat in his lap, rode nice and slow, and he fed me the pipe (you know, the one for smoking), and then we rolled around for what felt like hours. SO relaxing. so necessary. we never get to enjoy quiet time anymore. so the next morning we were awakened by his fucking jackass ex calling to say that little A was being bad. but she can't just call to say that, she goes on for a full hour about how much of an asshole he is, how she can't stand to be around him, she doesn't know why we do either, that he's a little piece of shit, a fucking liar, and that there's no point to grounding him because he'll never learn and he's just a bad fucking kid. all of these awesome quotes are from this kid's mother, while he is sitting right next to her in the car, with one of his friends there to boot. awesome, right? so anyway, we ended up getting up way earlier than we wanted, had some nice breakfast, and as soon as my brother went to work, we had sex again. ah, like the old days! this time, it was a quickie, and afterward, he says, "just real quick." love it when he does that. so anyway. in other major news, my brother decided he's joining the navy. he tried for the AF but has too many tattoos. he claims that he wants to see the world, and have new experiences while he's young, and his speech is really compelling and convincing until you listen to him closely. when you do that, and you hear exactly how he phrases things, you realize that he's just trying to escape his shitty life and impress his ex. he has no idea what he wants to do with his life, even though he tells us he does. i would be completely supportive of this if he wasn't doing it for all the wrong reasons. he's a pacifist and was saying the other day that he didn't join the army because he doesn't want to kill anyone, and he didn't want to join the marines because it was too hardcore. he really thinks that he's going to be going there and just working out casually for a couple of weeks in boot camp, then he'll just go do whatever job he gets for a little while in some other state. he has no idea what he's getting himself into. if he had given the completely simple explanation of, "i want to serve my country," then none of us [in the family] would have taken issue with it. but he just has all the wrong reasons for making an 8-year commitment with his life, and i really worry for him. i don't think he knows how bad a dishonorable discharge is, and he's not hearing anyone who's trying to tell him to chill out a little bit and think about this. he's just like nope, i'm leaving in 2 weeks. the recruiter told him that in 3 months the job he wanted would be available, but if he went now he'd have to do some random shit. he's still choosing to leave now. i know what it's like to think that your life is going one way, but things turn out completely another. i fucking get it. i thought i was going to be married soon, but that was almost 10 years ago now. i never thought i was going to take a teaching job, but there i was 5 years ago doing just that. i never thought i was going to get into a serious relationship again after what happened with the guy i didn't marry, but here i am, and with a fucking KID. so for real, sometimes you just have to get a firm grip of your balls and roll with the punches. shit will always not go your way. regroup and move on, but don't do anything crazy. my brother seems to have the regroup and move on part down, but little else. so soon we will have almost empty house again, which is nice, since my brother is grating on boy's nerves lately, and mine too. boy's problem is that he always SAYS he's going to say this or that, but just like anyone, he tries his best to avoid confrontation and instead lets things annoy him until he freaks out. his problem with my brother, and mine too, is that he's really inconsiderate. like, he IS a generally considerate guy, in most ways, but he often forgets his place. i know that's a shitty way to put it, but there's no better way of saying it. like, you're living in my house for basically free. he is supposed to be giving me $100 a month (when i originally said $100 a WEEK), but he hasn't even paid me a full month yet. there's always some problem with his paycheck. and you know, i understand that he doesn't make a whole lot of money. but when you owe someone two months of incredibly cheap "rent," which doesn't even BEGIN to cover any part of the household expenses, you don't really have the right to decide that you don't feel like doing the very few chores that you've been given. one of which is simply: make your bed when you get out of it. no, i don't make my bed when i get up, but that's because my bed is not in the middle of a heavily trafficked and utilized room in the house. it's bad enough that we've all been thrown together in here so suddenly. let's not have the house looking like shit. but my brother thinks it's a fucking joke or something. he did it a couple of times but said the other day that he didn't really care enough to do it, and that REALLY annoyed boy. so instead of boy saying to my brother, "hey asshole, i'm the homeowner and you're in my house so make your fucking bed," he chooses to sit and stew over it and get mad at me. it's so annoying because i hate it when people have a problem and i have to be the fucking intermediary. don't sit around and talk all kinds of shit when someone's not around if you're not going to do it when they're there. i say to people all the time: i don't say anything [out loud - in here doesn't count, obv] about anyone that i wouldn't say to their face. so really. be a fucking dude and do it yourself. i had to leave in the middle of typing this, as usual, but nothing really happened. i got the kiddo off the bus, went to take him halfway to his mother's, and am now waiting for boy to get home. he won't be here til 9:30 or 9:45, so the plan is for him to get in, take a shower, and meet me in bed. you know what that means! i'm excited. earlier, while i was getting dressed, he was telling me that he needed me to take dictation for this legal document he needed written up. i giggled, of course, and he said, "yeah, i need you to literally take dictation, you ass." tee hee! but seriously, i'm excited for cock. goodnight. |