| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
things are looking up.
2012-07-11 @ 3:01 p.m.
man, it feels like forever since i wrote last! my tattoo is mostly healed now. i'm a pretty quick healer, luckily, but i think it's also partially because i try to run a pretty tight aftercare ship. we spend so much money and time getting them that it would be stupid to ruin them through laziness. so little A was staying at his mom's until wednesday, if you remember, and he did. boy thought he was picking him up early, but crazytown wanted to keep him til the evening for fireworks, so we had the entire day to ourselves. things started out really well, and we were in a good mood hanging out planning out a nice drive and historic hike, but when he had that conversation with her midday, it made his mood turn. we went from planning what we were going to do to fighting because he neglected to tell me the new time that he was picking little A up and it caused this huge thing. i've said 1000 times to everyone: i can't read your mind! so if you don't tell me an essential piece of information, i'm ... not going to know it. so he's already in attack mode, then i suggest some things to do not realizing the new time schedule, and he's being super rude, muttering under his breath, and acting like my suggestion was the stupidest thing he had ever heard. naturally i was upset and offended, but i guess my general stress level is so high that i just started bawling my eyes out. i said i was going to take a shower, and i did, but the whole time i was crying uncontrollably. when i finally got myself together enough to go back downstairs (my brother was home, and that whole thing was still going on, so i didn't need to bump into him while i was freaking out), boy is just sitting there playing video games on the couch, and says all casual, "you alright?" and i'm like what the fuck? what makes me even more mad when he's being a douche is when he knows he hurt your feelings but acts like it's YOUR fault that you're upset. no. not cool. so i start telling him that he really really hurts my feelings when he does that shit and starts talking to me like i'm ex. and of course he's like, "i didn't do that, i have no idea what you're talking about, blah blah," so i start telling him what exactly he said that upset me and he starts laughing! and i was just ... not happy. of course i started crying again and said, "i'm trying to tell you about what's upsetting me and you're going to laugh at me? really?" and i ran upstairs and got in bed so i could be by myself. he came up shortly after and at first tried to play the "what are you upset about" game, but he knew he fucked up. i explained to him that regardless of his intentions, it makes me upset to be treated like i'm a child when i'm just asking questions and trying to figure out what to do so we can have a fun day. like, we wake up, i'm tasked with figuring out what to do completely by myself, and then i'm going to catch shit because i'm trying to plan out your good time? do you understand where i'm coming from? so he felt really bad about that and apologized a lot, and i said really, it makes me feel like you don't like me at all when you do that to me. and he's like OMG! i like you a lot! and i'm like well, it really doesn't feel like it when you talk to me that way. so then he lunged across the bed, desperately apologizing, because i started crying even harder when i said that, and hugged me all up and said that i'm actually his favorite person ever and he always wants me to know that. so i said please just be nice to me, it's that easy, and we agreed to have a nice rest of the night. we kinda did, but we didn't end up seeing any fireworks. he went and picked little A up from his mom's (after we had some delicious texas roadhouse for dinner!), put him to bed, then we went upstairs to bed. i'm not one for makeup sex per se, and i wouldn't really call this that, but it was nice. he was super attentive and focused on me and what i wanted, and yes, he's usually like that, but this time there was a lot of touching and talking and stroking, little kisses on my face. it was definitely nice, and i really slept like a baby that night. on friday i went up to my mom's and we talked finances and i figured out what to do with my life. it was a huge, huge relief. i brought little A with me because i had no other option (i keep forgetting about him when i'm planning my weekday daytime activities), but my stepdad took him outside to play in the little creek behind the house and look for frogs and stuff. that was pretty nice, too. my mom just sat down and talked to me like a person, really calmly, and then reheated a plate of this amazing afghan food she and my stepdad picked up a few nights before. SO GOOD. very much like indian, turkish, morroccan food. she was so excited about it that she offered to buy us some for dinner, and i thought that was awesome of her, and thanked her a lot for helping. while i was up there, i ran by and hugged my granny and said happy birthday to her. she turned 89 this year, and she's still crazy like a fox. love her. saturday, boy took little A to his cousin's birthday party at around 1, and when he got back we had planned to do this elaborate walk and photography trip to washington crossing park (very nearby to where we were going to go on wednesday before the day went to shit), but i had forgotten all about this barbeque at my uncle's house. it was supposed to be like the usual 4th of july barbeque we have every year, but usually my mom is in charge of that and it's WAY better planned and everyone knows what they're supposed to bring at what time. this was disorganized and kind of random, and no one i particularly wanted to hang out with was going to be there, but i knew i had to make an appearance because this party every year is also my grandmother's birthday party, and you know. you just don't skip your grandmother's birthday party. so we figured, let's just go up, stop in to the party, have a burger, have a drink, hug everyone, and go. what ended up happening was that nothing was ready when we arrived (first at the wrong address; luckily my brother was driving past us just as we had turned around and was able to give us the correct address), so we hung around and chatted for a little while and had a cup each of this delicious white sangria that my mom made. on empty stomachs. we were fucking tore up! from one red cup of sangria. yes, laugh at us. we're pussies. so then, we decided to eat these huge plates of food so hopefully we'd sober up a little bit, but that just made us full, drowsy, and drunk. so we ended up just chilling out, chatting with everyone for what felt like just a little bit longer, and finally i was sober enough to drive. when we got in the car, we saw that we had been there three hours!! so much for the trip, which we didn't really mind having to postpone anyway because it was 104 and super humid that day. we start driving around, taking the long leisurely way out, because the area my uncle moved to was where boy grew up, and where i ended up spending a lot of time in high school (going to see him). we drove by his childhood home, once nearly falling over in disrepair, now beautifully repainted and quaint sitting simply on a newly cleared lot that used to be overgrown with trees and weeds. the forest that he used to escape to, hide in, just gone, like it was never there. another spot, this one where he had his accident so many years ago, where he flew through that windshield and won the scar that i look at every day. where i took my little '88 vw jetta off-roading before i donated it. where we used to disappear at night to make out before i had to be home. so many memories, and some so bittersweet. and it turns out he's kind of more drunk than he thought he was, and he's telling me that i'm his favorite person ever. and i tell him how cute that is, and how he's my favorite too, and he starts telling me about the conversation he had with my brother, because finally they made up. and while doing so, my brother told him never to hurt me, because he's had to have this conversation before. and boy told my brother that he didn't even need to continue, because this isn't his first rodeo and he knows exactly what he wants from life and one thing is definitely me. he said, "and i'll tell you what i told your brother - the only way i would not want to be with you is if you gained 500 pounds - because you were already 200, and i was still with you, became a huge bitch, or like ... got really lazy and never got off the couch or something. but otherwise? i'm good. like, forever." i thought that was really sweet. super sweet! especially considering the fight we had just a few days before. and then he starts going on about all of the things that he really enjoys about me, like how well i cook and care for him, and affirms that i give the best blowjob he's ever had. i do consider that a compliment, so i said thanks, i do appreciate it! and he's like yeah, you're definitely the best at that, which is great, because i love blowjobs. you know what i also love? when you just fully sit on my face, and i'm like smothered in ass and pussy. like when i can barely breathe! and i laughed and said i could tell, because whenever we're doing that i always notice you alternately smothering yourself and just jiggling my ass around in your face and laughing. and he was like, well i have to tell you this. i just like to sit there and take it in because your ass and pussy are perfect. and then he went on to describe exactly what he liked about each individually, at length, and ended with, "i know this is kind of an awkward compliment, but your ass and pussy are what dudes hope to find when they're looking for porn on the internet. i mean, any dude who wants to jerk off would be lucky to find your ass. it's like a picture. it just turns me on to look at it." then he rambled on about how amazing my figure is, naturally and lately, and how there are a lot of hot girls out there but i'm the one for him. pretty much it was all of that stuff that girls want to hear boys say. and it made me feel really great. i know it's a pretty crude, unromantic way to be told how much i mean to him, but it matters the most to me that i'm told at all. so i was just mush after that. we've both been mush, really. it's nice to feel loved, and to love. i think we both finally realized that we're not going anywhere, so it's okay to put ourselves fully out there. as much of a tough guy as he pretends to be, he wants to feel safe, and to be cared for, just like anyone else does. he knows i will do that for him until i no longer can, and i know he will do the same for me. it's so nice to look at the different, separate parts of your life, and to see this huge, major piece all taken care of. one less thing to worry about. needless to say, sex has been great. it's been fun and often, and very satisfying. it's funny, while he was drunk he was going on and on about how he doesn't mind spending money on things that he finds really important, like our physical appearances and stuff like that. and he was like, hey, if you want to get your boobs done when we're older, i'm totally okay with paying for that. and i was thinking, sweet! because when i lose more weight i'm probably going to want a boob lift/job, because right now they're kinda saggy after -80lbs, so i'm terrified to think of them in another -40 and less body fat. and he was like, yeah, and if they invent any magic surgery that can make your dick bigger, i would probably pay for that too. and i'm like, why?? because number one, he's that guy who's always going on about how big it is (to be honest - it's a nice average!), and number two, because it is a nice average (actually, i refer to it as "a good size") it does not need to be bigger in any way. to make it longer would be uncomfortable for me, and to make it thicker is like ... meh. unnecessary. it's great how it is. really. but i think that it's funny that even a guy who seems so proud of what he's got, so secure in it, is just as insecure as everyone else and secretly wants more. oh, life. why must we be the way we are? whew. so that's all that's happened that is worth recalling, i think. boy is at a new job that starts earlier and is much closer to home so he's back to getting home at like 3:30. so awesome! i can't wait to see his face. what i'm trying to say is, things are truly looking up, and i like it. |