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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
home is wherever i'm with you.
2012-08-06 @ 10:54 a.m.
we're driving down to tattoos and he's telling me that strangely, day by day, he likes me more and more. how he can't believe that the spark that was so strong and overwhelming in the beginning never seems to have gone out, but instead began from something small and glimmering and grew into to something so big and bright. how it's been almost three years but it feels like an instant, and that he's so happy. i wore this dress down there that i have only worn once before, with a cardigan over it and with leggings under it. this time, i wore just the dress. every time he turned a corner, or looked at me, he said, "you look so great. don't worry. you look perfect." and i don't know how it came up, but we were minutes from home, and he was talking about how he didn't have a wedding the first time. they got married in the courthouse, no reception, no honeymoon. she was in her "best pair of sweatpants," and her father was in one of those ridiculously tacky deer in the woods t-shirts you often find in the thrift store. their honeymoon, if you can call it that, was a hastily booked "theme room" that was supposed to be the asian suite but was really just a room with some asian decorations and a garden tub. he said this time, i want to do it right. i want to do it big. and i (speaking generally, as always) said, yes, i would love to be married in a place like longwood gardens or the morris arboretum or something. something beautiful, majestic, natural. and i told him the story of when my mom really realized what i'm like, the kind of person i am, and she started saying of me, "that girl is going to get married barefoot in a field somewhere." so i feel that i must, because it is one of the few things she has been right about when it comes to me. and he says, oh yeah, i don't mind being barefoot as long as i can still wear a great tux. and i just laughed, not knowing what to say, and he says, yeah, we should probably do it in the fall. and i agreed, saying yes, not too hot and not too cold. and then he starts saying all of these things, talking color schemes. and i just can't even believe that this is real life. i can't even believe it! and last night we're in bed, and he's laying back smoking a joint and i'm blowing him leisurely as usual, and he says, i want to see what a picture of you doing that would look like. so i said okay, and just a picture to check it out turns into a super sexy photoshoot. the pictures were coming out like crap because it was so dark that he couldn't see what he was taking the picture of until the flash flashed, but we were both getting so turned on by all of the crazy poses he was putting me in. it was so hot because it was so intimate, such a display of trust, and so beautiful that he finds me so beautiful. he was looking at ads before we fell asleep, still trying to find a gentleman, and he saw this one with a girl who looked a lot like me, but she had way way bigger boobs (and i think she was cuter than i am). when he saw her, he said, "whoa." and i had a flash of jealousy, just for a moment, but it went away. because i thought, he can look at whomever he pleases, all he wants. and yes, there are plenty of girls out there who are way hotter than i am. but he is mine and i am his. and so i woke up today, and saw the perfect thing, because i've been wanting my tattoo artist to custom design something for me. he knows me well enough now to know exactly what i want and how i want it. but the quote is: "comparison is the thief of joy." and what else is there to say about that? it is the password to a happy life, and my new phrase to live by. i'm so happy, and everything is right. little A came home last night too. boy said, he belongs here. and though this kid annoys absolutely every shit out of me, he does. it is right. i hate kids but i love productive members of society, so i know it is the right thing to do. and it is nice, i will admit, to call this home finally. i was just thinking about this the other day, that i still refer to my mom's house as home. but now here we are. this is our family. it is home. so now i can change the address book entry to "mom's house." and know that this is where i belong. |