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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
joy without fear.
2012-08-13 @ 9:22 p.m.
boy came home today and started telling me about how wonderful i am, how i'm the perfect woman for him. see, his friend is selling his bike (motorcycle) for like only $1000, and he knows he'd let him pay him in a couple of payments, but he decided that he needed to wait until he could get the thing he REALLY wanted instead of spending the money on some instant gratification. he was really proud of himself for coming to this conclusion on his own, and he said he realized that he has a real problem with that, just doing things because he can't wait. and he didn't want to waste the money and the time on something that he knew wouldn't really satisfy his desire for a bike. it would be something to ride, but not something that he wanted. and he said that i helped him learn this, that there were things about me that he wished were different, but that he knew he'd have to be patient and wait for. and how happy he is that he waited, and that he realized that there's so much that's so wonderful now. he said that the first few conversations we had on those first few nights when we reconnected were so stimulating and so eye-opening to him that he knew right then that i was his soulmate. he actually said that! and that he had to be with me. he said he never knew what life could be like until we got together. i showed him a different kind of life. and that i have enriched his life. like seriously though? this past week i wrote nothing because i was feeling so negative. i hate to write hateful, angry entries because i feel that i'm putting too much time and energy into my anger. most of the time, anyway. some days when shit's really fucked up i just have to get it out of my system. but most things are not worth it. and this week wasn't worth it. i was just feeling frustrated and really tired and in such a tight spot. you know what i mean, when you just feel like you're on the verge of totally freaking out. so like, i was there man. and earlier in the week, best friend called me and was like crying on the phone to me about how shitty her mom and her kid's dad are being to her, and i was like yeah man, i know EXACTLY what you're talking about as far as the mom stuff goes. and i'm about to freak out, too. but after boy came home today and said all of this to me, that he realized that i am the perfect woman, that i am everything he's ever wanted or needed, and like ... so much other stuff? it's almost like my stress just completely disappeared. oh yeah - and then we're in the room, and i'm repacking the pipe, and he is just standing over there looking at me adoringly. he said that i do everything, i take care of his child and i just slipped right into it, there was no bullshit or trouble or anything. and what a person i must be to do this for him. seriously? sometimes i really think i am dreaming to have someone so perfect for me, so on my wavelength, so cute and charming and funny and such a genuinely good guy. my heart feels like it could just explode. i really can't think of any words. he is so good. i am so thankful. i have never felt like this, just happy without fear. it rarely comes without fear for me. but with him, i am completely unafraid. so happy. |