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“what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.” - andré malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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have i said too much?
2012-09-07 @ 6:49 p.m.


i just feel like ... sigh.

you know those months or so when you're just like so stressed out and exhausted and like worried about everything that you can't think of anything. i know you know. that is what this is.

my brother is moving back out pretty soon, and i'm going to miss the shit out of him. not like living with him, but having him generally around. we are just constantly laughing. it feels really good on so many of the days that i am feeling so aggravated and cornered and isolated. i'm having a lot of bad feelings lately.

not about boy though. about everything else but him. he is so good, the best partner ever. all of that stuff. it makes me feel really bad about myself when i look at him and think, "what would i do without you?" but when i ask that, i really mean that i truly don't know. i feel like i lean on him so much harder. but he just rests his head on me sometimes and asks me that very question, and it makes me feel just a little less bad, but not much.

i am blogging again and i am enjoying it. i have the worst habit of comparing myself to other people endlessly and feeling that i don't measure up. i was telling this to our tattoo artist last weekend, how it really ruins my life. the point is that i thought about all of the stuff that i blog about, and all of the pictures i take, and all of the stuff i do, and i'm a pretty goddamned interesting person. so i really need to stop with this shit.

boy was supposed to have this thing tomorrow for most of the day, but it got cancelled so he's off for the whole day. earlier in the week, i told little A about boy having to do this thing tomorrow, so he decided he was going to his mom's tonight until sunday. so we're going to have a saturday alone together!? with nothing to do!?? i'm so excited about this. for a long time i have wanted to do some online shopping for one of those serious vibrators (i may have mentioned this), like the kind that you have to plug in. i have also wanted to get a video of me squirting, but during the day, since it gets really dark in the bedroom at night. it's just so great. like two weeks went by that we just couldn't manage to have sex, and i was like ugh! feeling so depressed about it (just that we had so little time together in general, not about myself or anything). so the past few days we've made it a priority and it's been so amazingly good, as usual. it's really something to look forward to.

some really strange things are so soothing to me, and can instantly make me feel better. sex is one of them. it completely knocks me out. that's not unusual though. the fact that i absolutely LOVE this one particular kind of fabric softener, so much so that i would put "the sensation of getting into a bed freshly laundered with that fabric softener" on my top 10 list of favorite things EVER? that is kind of weird. what's also weird is when i get really stressed out about stuff i spend a lot of time standing in my closet, smelling things. also, my boycat. i'm probably one of those people who are frighteningly in love with their pets. but seriously, one look from that little dude and my heart melts. i believe that our spirits kinda like shuffle around when we die, so i don't think i'm the crazy cat lady since he's really just a delightfully surly old man in a cat suit.