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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
pain management, kids, depression.
2012-09-14 @ 4:03 p.m.
my brother left today. boy and i, despite all of the nonsense and the aggravation that has arisen during this period, will really miss him. i made him all of this food for this birthday, which he was genuinely happy about, and we spent some good time hanging out this week. yesterday afternoon he packed all of his stuff into his car, but left his "bed" in the basement (just a comforter and a stack of pillows), so it still looked pretty much the same. this morning i woke up to put little A on the bus, and his area was completely bare. without a trace. well, except for the sailor jerry stains in the carpet. they make me feel kind of sad. boy and i were feeling really tense about money yesterday (is this new?) and were like kind of not talking a little bit. he's got all this stuff swirling around about work, and the ugly politics side of the union that he never wanted to know about. it's really depressing, like when you found out santa wasn't real as a kid. this whole facade that was so comforting fell away, and now he's super jaded and bitter about the whole thing. it's kind of heartbreaking to hear and see happening, because it used to be such a source of pride for him but now he knows it's just like any other shit. just a name. so i was leaving him alone, because there's no point in talking to him when he gets in his fuck the world moods. and for the first time yesterday, little A wanted to walk himself home from the bus, and go out and hang out with these kids that he stopped hanging out with for a while. so he came back in, and boy was coming up from the basement, and little A said something about me being awesome, and boy says, "well, [tinea]'s good. she's ... really the best." and i was like, aww. thank you for still liking me after we fight. in all of my previous relationships, it was like, we fight, i try to explain my point of view and why i'm upset and try to get boyfriend to do the same, he blames it all on me, says we should probably break up, etc. it was never healthy fighting. there are just so many things that are superior about life with boy. really. i also really appreciate boy because he is one of the first people to take me seriously about my pain during my period. he's the first boyfriend i've ever had who's even cared or attempted to do anything for me, too. i was telling him this the other day. the others - including the last one, the one i was with for 3 years - always said, "eww. that's girl stuff. i don't want to hear about that." and like, shut me down. like, i wasn't even allowed to mention that i had cramps, because it was "gross" and would remind them that i had my period. sometimes when i think about the way i used to let people talk to me and treat me, and i'm just like, what the fuck? so anyway. a couple weeks ago he bought me some percocets from his friend in anticipation of this period. i've been crampy the past few days but nothing like today. so i waited until it got really intense, noted the time, and took half. exactly 35 minutes later, it was like the pain switch was flipped to "off." it was like that for about a half hour, but some twinges were coming through, and then at the hour mark i was feeling actual pain again. he asked me how i was doing and i told him it took the edge off, but i still didn't feel great. i took the second half, and exactly 30 minutes later, i felt great. absolutely no pain at all. but really hot (he thought it was hot in here too, though), and really thirsty, and SUPER tired. not sleepy, but like so relaxed that i don't want to move. i said to boy, i really hate to have to take these, but it just hurts so bad. i really can't imagine anything hurting more than this, other than breaking a bone or severely injuring yourself or childbirth. but the whole point is this: he cares. he cares about if i'm doing alright. it makes me sad when i realize that he's the first to do this. what else. i don't know. ugh. boy said this thing the other day about how you give up your identity when you're a parent, and i said that was the most depressing thing i had ever heard. the way he said it though, was how most people say it, like yes, i have sacrificed all for my kid. and i said why does it have to be that way? why do people think that it must be that they no longer matter? you have to live the rest of your life, whether or not your kids are there for you in your old age. what about your dreams? what about YOU being happy? you deserve to be a priority in your own life, no matter what. kids or no kids. i'm sorry. and it's totally cool if that's what you get off on, because i know some people do. you know those people who have nothing else to talk about except how their entire identity is their child. some of those people know that they're doing it, and it makes them happy. but there are SO many other people who don't want to be doing it but feel guilty because there's such huge societal pressure to have kids and behave like this in america. so i just made it really clear. it doesn't have to be that way. the other day, i saw on lj that the mutual friend whose husband best friend stole (i know, you might need to read that again) had posted this long thing about her battle with depression. and man, like everything she was saying could have been ripped right from my head. i wanted - and still do want - to write her to tell her how much i understand, and how much she captures the frustration of trying to communicate the vague, oppressive sadness that we feel. boy and i were driving up to his job to get his check today, and psycho called and was going on about her new medication and blah blah. but i said, her illness doesn't excuse her behavior in any way. and it doesn't give her an excuse. but i sympathize with her and how it just hurts and sucks. in her journal entry, the ex mutual friend was describing when she first realized she wasn't like other people. and while we were in the car today, i thought about that too. do other people know what it's like to feel like you're outside of your body? to have some of these thoughts? i was seriously sitting in the car, looking out the window on the turnpike thinking to myself, is it normal to think about killing yourself every day? and then i was like, REALLY, self? you really need to ask that question? i want to talk to ex mutual friend but i don't know if it would cause a problem. there's still a lot going on with the three of them. but she really touched a nerve. and maybe just telling her that is enough to make it worth it. here, to end on a high note instead. the best quote of my life!: |