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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
lucid.
2012-09-25 @ 8:41 p.m.
boy failed his drug test today, but didn't really fail it, just left. his pee wasn't warm enough, and he couldn't pee again on the spot obviously, so he had to go. he called me totally freaking out just as i was getting little A up for school, and i was like honey. be cool. you accomplish nothing when you're all worked up. so he's like oh my god, my career is ruined, etc etc and i'm like will you really chill the fuck out? boy smokes pot and pot only. there are guys who show up to jobs all jacked up on meth and shit. a couple weeks ago he said he walked into this office that wasn't finished being built yet to find his boss having like a mini heart attack from doing too much coke at lunchtime! the guy was like clutching his chest, convulsing in this chair, and boy is like omg let me get help! and he pulls a dude into the room who's like, oh he does that all the time. whaaaat? so anyway. the point is that leaving a drug test isn't going to end his whole career forever, and he knew that deep inside, but was still scared nonetheless. but you know what the thing of it was? he said to me, i dont want to let you down. i don't want my stupidity to impact your standard of life. i am supposed to provide for you. and i was just like wow. that's what this is all about? you feel like you're not man enough? i didn't say that out loud, but i just couldn't believe it was coming out of him. i didn't know he was like that. and like, my heart just ached inside of my chest because this man feels that he must provide for me. who the fuck am i? i just. when we had that fight about him joking about not being fully committed, i guess a little part of me kind of believed it. because after he said this today, i was really surprised. i was so ... i can't describe it. i've never been with anyone who actually cared that much about me. what i mean is that it's never truly been "us" with anyone, not until now. so i'm laying here on the couch with my toes tucked under his leg, and he's snoring away. this guy loves me. and i love him, so much. our anniversary is soon. these 3 years have felt like they've flown by, like only 6 months have passed. sometimes i still see the 17 year old boy there. sometimes it feels like d�j� vu, but some other times completely new. this person who i have carried in my heart for so long. this person i thought i had lost for even longer. and now we are together again, and you feel that you must provide for me, and i swear, every day i still have to ask myself if I am dreaming. |