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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
an upward shift.
2012-10-24 @ 8:42 a.m.
yesterday boy had court for a traffic thing (some guy hit him, but since boy was the one changing lanes, and we live in NJ, it's his fault no matter what), and he was totally freaking out over it, like all weekend. ALL weekend. it started on friday, the nervousness, and i can always tell because he'll bring something up and sound like extra disinterested and cocky about it, like "yeah it's no big deal, whatever," but then as the thing approaches, he stays more and more inside his head, and i know he's freaking out over it. he doesn't know that i can read him this well, but that's a little secret i will keep to myself. by sunday he had made the switch from his normally boisterous manner to a more pensive, anxious one, and couldn't really concentrate on anything, including the sex i was dying for. he was picking little fights about everything, and contradicting himself, and just ... wasn't fully there. then of course later that night the dinner with my parents was excruciating, and i knew he wanted to get out of there, but really, he wanted to get out of his own brain, his skin. so yesterday he was all freaked out the moment he walked in the door from work, but i kept trying to get him to relax. his driving record had been terrible from when he was a teenager, and before he got back together with me, but since we've been together, he hasn't had any tickets or anything and only has like 3 points on his license. but his brain was telling him that the official DMV abstract was wrong, that he was going to get to court and need a lawyer, that the fees were going to be several hundred dollars that we don't have and they wouldn't let him go without paying them, that they were going to put him in jail for an improper lane change. i could tell he was going nuts just by looking at him. he was hot, his face was flushed, and i could see the summons shaking in his hand despite his attempts at casual confidence. i just told him to stop worrying over and over, and said, "think about what you want for dinner instead," and just kept talking about other things. next thing you know, he's called in by the prosecutor, then called up by the judge, one ticket is dropped and the other he takes for no points and a $175 fine. no big deal at all. we get into the car and he leans over in the dark and gives me a huge kiss, and says thank you for coming, for calming me down. "i'm beginning to think i can't do much anymore without you." and i smiled, and said, good. we went to cheeburger cheeburger for dinner, and man, those onion ringsssssss!!! they are the best onion rings on planet earth, and their horseradish sauce (you know, that orangey, horseradish-y onion ring sauce you get with a bloomin onion) is simply the best version that i have put in my mouth. just thinking about those onion rings again is making me desperately want to go back. but i digress. it was a wonderful dinner, and it began with another little kiss and a thank you. everything worked out perfectly, and we were especially pleased that we finished dinner at 7:53, so we knew we'd make it to little A's mom's house and home in perfect timing for him to go right to bed, but for us to have some nice alone time. alone time was absolutely incredible. sex with him just gets better and better every time. we had been talking earlier in the car, on the way to pick up little A, about our ultimate sexual fantasies. one of mine used to be squirting, until i learned i could do it. i told him my other ones, one of which in particular he wasn't really into because he wouldn't like feeling "cuckolded," and he told me that a minor fantasy of his - really, what he was in the mood for at the moment - was to cum all over my face, but he knows how much i love it when he cums inside me. and i said YES, yes, i really do prefer that, but we can switch it up sometimes. and so later, we're fucking wildly, like rough, sweaty, soaking wet, reckless abandon fucking. SO great. oh my goodness. when i think about our unbelievably amazing sex life, i think that a lot of it is about surrender. but for me, it's surrendering to my own body. i was reading this porn forum that i enjoy, and a little discussion had started up about this extremely narrow, specific fetish that is my #1. people who were into it were wondering why you don't see it more in porn because it's so incredibly hot, but one person speculated that you don't see it more because men don't like to feel or appear vulnerable in any way, and that includes, "keeping it together." you know, like being in control of oneself, not getting too "crazy," not letting go too much. a few other guys chimed in and said that this particular thing had happened to them when they first started having sex and they were really embarrassed by it, and tried to hide it or stop doing it. and now that they're older and less self-conscious, they realize that denying it really negatively impacted their overall sexual experience for years. and i really really understood that because before being with boy, i never fully let go. sex was never before about having a good time. in my previous dysfunctional relationships, it was about looking good. bragging rights. oh, my girlfriend puts out. cool. i liked it then, and then i thought it was good, but it's the same way that you thought that a mcdonald's hamburger was good before you had a real one. so anyway, after we were done, as i was laying there shaking and completely limp, i was thinking that. thinking, ah. i am so happy i no longer fight my body. that this man is with me, not against me, that i don't have to be afraid or insecure, that i can hand control over to him, and to myself. and everything is so much better. moving on. turns out the dinner with my mom was awkward because she was trying really hard to not be a douchebag. a week or so ago i talked to my dad about this, and told him that i'm so frustrated that i don't have her to go to when i need someone. like these huge changes have happened in my life, so quickly. i feel so absolutely overwhelmed sometimes, even though i have been told so many times that i'm handling this gracefully. if only those people could see into my brain. they would be disappointed to find that i totally don't have it together. so when i'm feeling like i'm falling apart, it would be nice to be able to call my mom and tell her what's going on and not have to hear that it's all my fault, and that my decisions are stupid because they are not what she would do, and that i have nothing to be depressed about (what is with people saying this? this statement in particular makes me feel physically ill). i can't call best friend because she's a fucking nutjob herself. and none of my other friends are really close enough that i can tell them some of these things. so i just have this diary. and a lot of times, it's not enough. so we had dinner that was noticeably absent of personal criticism, and then she gave me this card that said a lot of really nice, encouraging things, that i didn't read until the next day. it seemed out of the blue, and it's really hard for me to believe that she acted on her own in this. and that's why i waited. because i had one day of hanging out with her that didn't leave me feeling like a shitty failure, and i wanted to cling on to that as long as i could before i opened that card that could say anything. just writing that makes me feel like i'm crazy. but just like i said to boy, there's only so much i can take. when he was freaking out about traffic court, he had asked me if i could call my mom and ask her if he could borrow money to pay the fees (he thought it was going to be like $600 or something, and he'd pay her back like he did last time he needed a loan). if he couldn't borrow money and it was a huge sum, then we would have had to wait til after court was over to make payment arrangements, and he didn't want to do that. before we left, i asked him if i could just ask her once we knew how much it was, because i really didn't want to engage her for no reason. but as the night wore on, and i was saying, i think we should just wait til court is over if we have to, he realized that that's what we needed to do, and not involve her at all unless we absolutely had to. and i just breathed this huge sigh of relief, because he really understands me, and the situation. i think he really began to understand the situation when we were at her house the other day before dinner. i was talking about something, and my mom chimes in that i'm a jackass, i'm a pain in the ass, etc. and boy, all the way from another room, yells back, "no she's not! she's amazing! she's the best!!" HE is the best. he is there for me. that is all i want or need from anyone who is close to me. so when i said, there's only so much i can take [of her], he just said, i completely understand. and that was the end of it. and like i said, everything ended up working out perfectly, and there was nothing to worry about. he's such a good man. more reasons he's the best? i asked him to grab cat food while he was at the grocery store the other day, and he came home with the exact right food! he actually went from the store over to petsmart to get it for them. i thought that was so sweet. he knows how much they mean to me, he understands that they are important, and that i care about their health. i take care of your baby and you take care of mine. thank you, honey. oh, i never finished my thought about my mom. i read her nice card and i texted her, saying, "thanks mom," where i usually call her by her first name, and some other things about how much i appreciated her kind words. i didn't want to start anything by saying more than that. let's just leave it at thank you. and so we have. so anyway, i think that's all that's going on of note. my brother is dating this new girl (did i mention this?) who seems totally awesome. i've seen him post a few pictures on fb, and he's actually smiling. i'm happy. as annoying as some of the times were when he was living here, even boy admitted that he misses him. but we're both happy that we were able to help him out, to give him a little reset. there are a lot of things to be happy about. i just wish it wasn't so hard for me to feel that way. |