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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
observing humans.
2017-06-06 @ 9:30 p.m.
i don't have much to say, i just felt kind of lonely and weird. i love boy, but he is so goddamn annoying sometimes. i mean, of course. like we all think that sometimes. we're all struggling with some really irritating personality issue(s) that our partners have, debating if it's really really worth it. last week i was at a firm yes but this week i'm kind of wavering below meh. it comes and goes. ebbs and flows. we've been together almost 8 years now. he's already asked me when i'm moving back in, he says all the time he wishes i was there. i don't know, i have really begun to enjoy my time alone. i love hanging out with him so much when i'm there but he's so fucking needy. like, have you ever met a kind of person who doesn't bring a whole lot to the table, and just kinds of sits back and is like, "entertain me." like, you love this person's sense of humor and you're morally compatible (idk, this is something that's super important to me) and once you do start hanging out you have a great time with them. but when it comes to initiating or organizing the hanging out, they offer 0% participation while simultaneously being super demanding that they don't want to just "sit around." it is so annoying to me. and he just always wants me to be up his ASS. like if i'm not wrapped up with him or draped over him in some way he whines. i get "touched out" very easily so i think it just annoys me more than the average person. i could rant on for hours, but let me just catch myself right there. i'm so grumpy this week. so anyway. i think i mentioned last time that i'm so fucking busy at work?? jesus christ. in the winter i was able to sit around at my desk and browse the internet and talk to my brother for a few hours in the afternoon. now, i've been going in a little earlier and earlier from tuesday thru thursday and it still seems like we never have enough time. this one coworker started getting mad at me because he said i never say hi when i come in anymore. i was like yo man for real, i go straight to the office to set my things down, and before i even have my whole body in the door boss is like omg as soon as you put your stuff down we have to do this and this and this and this!!! he's like a fucking chihuahua on speed. way too wound up. right now he is making me crazy. actually, i think men in general are the problem. haha. but no really. so many of the annoying things that the men in my life are doing are because they are deeply insecure but overcorrect and end up acting like total douches. and since they're all surrounded almost exclusively by other men, things escalate quickly. it's so stupid. today the coworker who told me i never say hi anymore got in a fight with the new guy and told him he was going to stab him and then went home to get a knife (he lives like right next door). it was sooo ridiculous, and boss is like omg now i'm going to have to fire the new guy now (?? i know, right? why are you going to fire HIM instead of the dude who went home to get a knife?). testosterone is fucking up a lot of shit right now. i had another sex dream about boss, and it was hot. i'm not going to lie, if the opportunity arose, i'd jump on that. just to see. i wouldn't be able to help myself. i kind of feel really terrible about saying that but i mean ... i'm not trying to be a homewrecker or anything. i'm not going to steal him away. i'm just sampling the flavors. and to me, sex is just sex. it doesn't need to mean anything. but i digress. the word on the street is that he has erectile dysfunction or something (working with all guys, dicks are the topic very frequently). he also hates his wife deeply, so we often debate amongst ourselves whether it's medical or if his hatred contributes to his lack of desire. i think it's a combination of both. he was ranting on about her one night and was saying that he hated everything about how she dresses and does her hair and presents herself. it doesn't seem to me that he finds anything remotely exciting about her (this opinion is informed by what's he's told me a few other times about the circumstances around how they got together, which were pretty depressing). i think that he was probably sexually frustrated for a really long time, then channeled that anxious energy into his work instead, and here we are with the insane workaholic that we lovingly know as boss. i get the impression from the few times i've met his wife that she is super suspicious of me. it makes me wonder if they've had issues before, or if it's the way he talks about me or something. like when i met his oldest son for the first time, i was like "hi i'm [tinea]" and he was like yeah, we've heard a LOT about you. i have very feminine, loopy script handwriting, and once i left a sticky note on boss's desk while he had stepped out. while his wife was sitting waiting for him, i could see her kind of trying to visually snoop his stuff, and when she got to my note she was like scowling and craning her neck to read it. i am a woman. i can tell the look of a woman who's like "this better not be what i fucking think it is or imma have to cut a bitch." but like anytime we're at work super late together i can tell she thinks there's a 50/50 chance the story is bullshit and resents the fuck out of me. sorry mrs. boss, it's really just paperwork and he really just hates going home. that's almost the worse option :( where was i even going with all of this? anywhere? i'm just kind of thinking out loud to myself. i'm going to go to bed early so i can get in early tomorrow. not only do i really really need the money but he said we were going to be really busy tomorrow. let me get my rest in since i don't know why but i absolutely could not sleep last night. i couldn't fall asleep until like 3am and then i woke up at 6 and kept waking up every hour until i just gave up at 9am. i guess my body wants to make up for it now. |