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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
boss, boy.
2017-07-07 @ 9:17 p.m.
ER and newguy are safe until at least the fall. boss actually listens to me on a lot of things, so after we closed and were sitting together alone for a while, he was telling me how exhausted and mentally drained and all over the place he's been for the past month or so (our main guy has been in the hospital and will be out for another two months, so there's just no one else there to do major stuff). i was like hey man, you've got all these bodies all over the place who are at least competent at doing some things. release your ridiculously tight grip on everything, delegate what can be delegated to at least take that small percent of the load off of yourself, and we'll make it work from there. so, he listened and is repurposing them. he was like oh, well ER isn't going to like this, and newguy isn't going to want to do that, and i said listen. if it comes down to "hey i'm either going to have to fire you, or you're going to have to start doing [x] now," i promise they're going to choose to do [x]. especially since last week or the week before (i don't even remember at this point), on the day that was supposed to be ER's last, he came in to see boss and was like yeah, i'm going to stay working here a bit longer because i haven't found a new job yet. like lol? this is a real thing that happened. so anyway. i like how much boss is starting to lean on me. i think at this point i've really developed a pretty good read of him - not only just on his moods, but also on his tendencies, subtleties, and areas that he needs support. he does these really annoying, kind of passive aggressive things sometimes. for example, newguy's birthday is tomorrow so he wanted to take off. he usually is paid saturday. boss was upset he wasn't coming in, so like 10 mins before newguy was supposed to leave for the day boss ran out on some errand and didn't come back for an incredibly rude amount of time, knowing newguy was waiting for him to return. boss feels that newguy always leaves a little too early and comes in a little too late, so in turn he doesn't feel that he needs to respect newguy's time. things like that. i might add, he tried that shit on me once. once. he apologized for the next couple weeks for that one. but that's me. he's a super anal guy, super high strung. super impulsive. complete control freak. very sensitive. eager to please - because his self-esteem comes a lot from what other people think of him. he really wants to make his dad proud, and be as successful in business as he was, but his personality is holding him back. i say this because the new location is trucking right along, and i am super excited, but super nervous because of how badly he could fuck this up. he asked me to come over with him the other night to ask my opinion on what to do with the interior, then totally went with it. i get to pick the color, too. super cool. this has the potential to be SO successful. like we could all start making some serious money. IF BOSS DOESN'T FUCK IT UP! he has no patience, spends on dumb shit then cheaps out on important things, tries to micromanage everything, procrastinates like crazy, the list goes on. basically, he needs to shut the fuck up sometimes and listen to other people. we'll see. he was talking with the (current status: maybe?) partner on this and the guy was like man, i'm going to have so much shit to do. like a LOOOT of shit. i'm thinking i need to get an assistant or something. i might hire my wife. and boss is like cool man, do whatever you need to do, but you can't have my assistant. you can't even use her. she's all mine! ER has insinuated a few times that boss is getting kind of possessive of me. like he's made a few comments that boss should be talking to his wife about this or that instead of me. or the other day i came in and he was like thank god you're here, boss is crazy today. but as soon as you get here, he always gets better. all day he's got a headache, and you're like his tylenol. it makes me worry a little because boy and i are looking for apartments now. like if he's not going to get the business really poppin and pay me more, i'm going to have to look elsewhere. it will be too far to travel for too little. i don't know how he'd function without me at this point, and i don't think he does either. i don't even think it's something he thinks about. i've mentioned before that when the prospect of something is too overwhelming he's just like ... nope. it'll never happen. and outright refuses to even consider the possibility. i don't know, hopefully this means that everything will work out for both of us and everyone is happy. in other, shittier news, boy and i had this fight a couple weekends ago that was reminiscent of when things were really shitty between us. i was upset about it, and felt that things were not at all resolved, but really just wanted to be over it because it was annoying. but then this weekend, this long holiday weekend that was supposed to be awesome, he was being such a douche that i seriously ... like i don't know how to describe it, but i really felt that my feelings about him changed. like what he said and did made me fall a little bit out of love with him. i started writing about this the day after but was really upset so i just wanted to sit on it a little longer first. and now a week later i still feel the same. i kept saying to him while we were fighting, i don't think you're understanding the gravity of this situation, or how much this hurt me. and i still don't think he does. i know i said before that we're looking at apartments, and we still are. i'm still just moving forward, but now i'm having second thoughts and being cautious. throwing out the lifeline just so it's there. after the incredible callousness that i experienced this weekend, i won't feel bad if i change my mind and leave him holding the bag. after all, he's done it to me time after time. now he'll get to know how much it sucks. like, i enjoy his company. and i love him a lot. we've spent half of our adult lives together. but i know that i am settling. i know that i could do a lot better. before last weekend, i never really wanted to. he had flaws, some of them major, but who am i to talk? i get it. we both come from fucked up families. we never learned what's normal or how to communicate. but the important thing to me is the try. the effort. even if it's not perfect. the earnest desire means a lot to me. but last weekend he didn't try, and on top of that really seemed like he didn't even care. like about the relationship, or about me as a human. after the initial blowout, i think it was the next day even? we were getting ready to go somewhere and he was like are you going to be weird to me all day? like is the whole weekend going to be like this? and i said, i really don't know how long it's going to take me to feel better about this. it all depends on you and your behavior from here on out. i said honestly, this is a real question. what the fuck did you think that doing x and y was going to accomplish? like how did you think that it was going to improve the situation. you saw that i was upset, like really upset, and then you chose to do those things. i really need an answer to this. and he's like i'm sorry, i was just trying to diffuse the situation, i got nervous, i wasn't thinking, blah blah blah. i really don't remember or care. at this point the only things that can compel me to feel differently than i do are his actions. so we'll see. we are about to be together for 8 years in a few months. it would be really devastating to have to break up with my best and second longest friend, but i have come to realize that i am not a person who can function as a human when i feel shitty. i have consciously eliminated most of the shitty things from my life and am happier than i have been in a very long time even though i'm poor as fuck and fat again. so please. don't fuck this up, guy. man, i had all of these plans to play videogames all night but then i started writing and couldn't stop. not the worst thing that could happen. |