| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
deep in the forest.
2017-06-12 @ 9:03 p.m.
on saturday, boy and i drove down this long road that ran through a national park in the mountains. i've been wanting to go for weeks, and it was absolutely incredible. i'm so, so happy we went and i honestly can't wait until we go again. i had the GPS on when we first turned onto it after quite some traveling to get to it, and it said it would be 48 minutes until the next road out of the forest. he started freaking out because i kept TELLING HIM the whole way up there to get something to eat. (when we first left he said he was hungry but then he kept passing places, one after the other, then saying, oh man i should have stopped there! there! and each time i'm like stop man, there will soon be NOWHERE to stop. but he kept passing them and i was like whatever man, starve.) but after only a minute or two of driving, we completely forgot about the time. it was just ... so amazing. so beautiful. so quiet. this state is the most densely populated in the country. if you live in the "zone," there is ALWAYS heavy traffic. there are ALWAYS people everywhere. everything is ALWAYS busy. i've discussed this before. you have to travel pretty far away from everything to get to nothing in this state. but once you do, it's so ... profound. you can feel it. you can feel and smell and hear the difference in the air. we went around this one curve in the road and you could see that down below the road, on the side of this mountain we were driving on, were all of these campers looking out over the river. boy just looked over at me and said, "we're fucking up." it was exhilarating, and at the same time so calming and soothing to me. just the sounds of birds and water and the whisper of leaves rustling. at one point we took a super sharp turn around a curve in the road, and there was a brook babbling away, covered by a small wooden foot bridge, and a tiny modern building sat at the edge. i said to boy, how lucky is the person whose job it is to come and do whatever needs to be done at that building? my heart hasn't felt so ... satisfied? in so long. it was really good. i had a really super weekend. also, sex was phenomenal, boy was pretty great too. he said some incredibly rude offensive shit as a joke on saturday night and i was like, really bothered by it. but he wasn't a dick about it like usual and actually apologized and said he wasn't trying to put me down or make me feel bad. that was what really got me. he still does a lot of annoying, immature things, but he's getting a lot better at communicating and being a partner. last weekend, i said something to boy about how i've been getting hit on by a lot of middle aged white businessmen lately (idk, they're in like dress shirts and slacks and penny loafers, i assume they're businessmen). he got all jealous and made some comment, i forget what he said but i was like ew, really? and he's like lol no just kidding. so on friday i dressed up a little because i knew i was going to be seeing him later, and when i arrive he's like "why are you all dressed up? it is for all of your businessmen?" and i said, wow, you're this guy, huh? and of course he said he was kidding again but i can tell it bothered him. i'm not into the jealous guy thing so if that continues i'm going to nip it right in the bud, but i have to be honest that it really felt nice to feel wanted for once. one of my complaints to boy for a while now is that he takes me for granted. like, oh, tinea is always just going to be there. we've known each other since we were kids. i kind of have always just been there. but he was getting really lazy in the relationship. i want to feel special sometimes, you know? so for him to suddenly take on this jealous guy thing, i wonder if he started to finally realize, hey. she might really leave me if i keep on with this. there are other guys out there who can do WAY better than i'm doing, without much effort. i noticed a few other instances this weekend of him making kind of offhand comments about how he's not the only one who matters, and that my need to do something was just as important as his. these are big revelations from someone whose selfishness is typically unparalleled. so, things are improving in my life i guess. i will take what i can get. my birthday is soon. i am old, and i feel old. |