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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
what the fuck, life.
2017-11-06 @ 10:48 p.m.
i really, really, really hope this doesn't become a problem. i remember when i was younger, like when i was in high school and even more recently when i was in college (and even a little bit when i was teaching) that i would obsessively write about things that i wanted to happen. i kind of believed that if i wrote about them enough they would come true. you know? like the more i make this real in my mind, the more real it will become. i even did this when i first started with boy, so long ago now. every little thing, every little exchange. to keep them locked in my memory, to make them real by committing them to text. but now, with boss, i really don't want to say anything for fear it will become more alive than it already is. but ... i don't want to forget. he wanted me to come in saturday to work, which i did, and when we were having lunch together we were talking about relationships and people and boy and all of that kind of idle chitchat you have with a person. i thought a lot about that conversation afterwards because it really struck me as being a leading conversation about something else. you know when you're talking to someone about a thing, but that thing is kind of code for something else. an allusion. i had a distinct sense that he was trying to feel me out, see where i stood on ... whatever this is. later that day, we were sitting around. he's really anxious and disorganized, and so he asks me like 10 times a day to read over his calendar for him so we can see what we've done and what's pending. this was probably time #7, and he comes over from across the room to my desk so he can hear me. as he's walking, he starts telling me something else to add to the calendar, but once he gets to my desk he's already forgotten what he was saying. as he sat, i laughed and said, "you're crazy," and he replies, "you're making me crazy. you're fucking my brain." and i was like, i'm not even doing anything? sunday i was off and he called me twice - business related, but still - and then when i was doing something late at night i texted him to remember that we needed sugar for the coffee machine. today when i came in we did our usual catch up on the day so far (since i come in the afternoon) and lunch discussion. he was telling me about his sunday and said when i texted him he got all excited. he said he was like, "ooh, [tinea] wants to talk to me!" the conversation continued and he said something about how he knows he looks like shit (people that he knows, who have come in lately, have been telling me how exhausted and awful he looks), and asked if he looked better today. i said yes, actually, you look much better. and he said what do you think it is? and i said, well you look like you actually got some sleep, and you actually shaved so you don't look all disheveled. he's like, "you like it when i shave?" and i smiled and laughed and said yeah, you look much better. and he's like, "ok, then i'll keep shaving for you." i went over to the old place to say hello to everyone and pick some stuff up, and i'm talking to AL and JC and TS and they started joking about how they never see me, so they started busting boss's balls about it. i said yeah, right before he sent me over here he jealously made a joke about how i get to see "the love of my life" ER. they were like yeah man, we told you that guy is in love with you. JC asked if he had been hitting on me, and i said no, he's always been a gentleman. JC was like LOL yeah, he's anything but a gentleman, trust me. later in the evening we were going over his calendar for only the 5th or so time today, and he said something that i forget, and i looked up from my screen to reply to him and he said, "sometimes when you look at me i can't even think. you're fucking my brain." and this time added, "you're going to get me in trouble." i said, you're going to get yourself in trouble. i think, if there was any doubt here what is going on, that today it could be laid to rest. i've been harping on him for a while that we need to clean our office in the old place because he keeps losing important things, and furthermore, it's just a fucking mess. we had mice last year because there's so much clutter and old food that people just leave around. i said i would stay late to help him if he would promise to do it. so tonight he's like awesome, let's do it. we got started in and he says, "you know, if anyone else asked me to do this i would tell them no. but i can't say no to you. you could ask me to do anything and i would do it for you." (jesus christ.) he said everyone is jealous and complains to him all the time about how he treats me better than everyone else, but he said it's because i'm way better at my job than everyone else (this is a fact, not just him saying that). when we were done, he says he doesn't know what it is about me, but i just make him feel so relaxed that he could stay with me all night. dudes, i love this guy and think he is a wonderful person. i love my job. i think i've mentioned that once or twice. please, don't let this situation become a problem. omfg. my shit is finally somewhat together. i've recovered from the financial hole that boy left me in. i feel good, i'm feeling happier. i'm moving soon. my job is amazing. things are finally going my way!! and through no fault of my own, there is horrific potential for drama. like finally, i didn't fuck something up, but it could get totally fucked anyway. what the fuck, life. i mean, boss seems (SEEMS!) like a pretty reasonable guy and i think that if things made it into the danger zone that he would be able to pull it back and not just freak out and fire me. he, as well as everyone else, often tells me how he wouldn't be able to function without me. just tonight he said i can't leave him because he doesn't even know the password to his own email. so please. no situations. no drama. the gossip i can deal with, because only one person pays me. but fuck, man. why couldn't i have this kind of attention when i wanted it? when i was younger and cuter and needed out of any of those bad relationships (yeah, i loved boy but i now understand that it was 100% one-sided)? now, for the first time i am single and really comfortable with it, and guys are trying to get on it so fucking hard. fuck. |