there's like so much going on right now, and i'm suuuuuuuper stressed out and can't seem to get a coherent thought together, let alone a long detailed accounting of what's been going on.

there's like ... a lot going on between boss and i and i've been trying to write about it and have outlined it pretty decently in notepad, but it only comes in paragraphs at a time. i'm now too busy at work to ever get through an entire entry, and then when i'm home i don't want to spend all night thinking about work. works is not what is stressing me out, nor is the boss and i situation, it's just that i chose this job specifically so i could come home and relax, and so i do. but i get home kind of late now, and my move is looming near, and i have a lot of shopping and packing and organizing to do so i just keep putting off writing.

once i get settled i intend to devote a lot more time to writing because i let a lot of things get away from me that i shouldn't have. my memory is especially short now, so i need to put it all down somewhere. so i don't make the same mistakes.

i had therapy last week, and we talked more about my stress about the move and how to manage that, but also that i keep handling boy's things and it keeps making me so upset when i think about how fucking dirty he did me.

after i left the session, i started remembering a lot of the things that happened in the weeks leading up to the breakup, and i am just toiling away over what his motivation was.

like here's the thing. boy would say some really offensive shit. like racist, controversial, terrible shit sometimes. but i always thought he was being facetious when he said it. because my brother and i and most of our friends have the same sense of humor. like dave chapelle. sometimes some shit would be really fucked up, but we all knew that no one really meant it. it's fucking satire.

but in those last few weeks, i remember having this sinking feeling building up inside of me that this guy is not joking, and he is awful. or was he? was he saying this shit in hopes that i would just be like "ew, you're really horrible" and leave on my own?

i can't stop grappling with this. he's obviously proven that he is a terrible person in general. so is he a terrible person with genuine terrible beliefs, or is he a terrible person saying terrible things in hopes of pushing me away? either way, he's a fucking awful human being.

so for example, one weekend we were watching a documentary or something and depression came up. boy was like, "these people are so fucking annoying. you know, you can just go to the doctor and they'll give you a pill that'll make you happy. there's a cure. they just don't for some stupid reason. they obviously just want to be depressed." and after he said that, i gave him this fucking look, and after a really long confused silence, i was like "what are you even talking about? there's no cure for depression. it's well established!" and he just rolled his eyes at me, and i persisted and went on about it a little bit more.

the thing is, he KNOWS that what he said is not true! from his own personal experience! from mine!! i was like ... what??? i just couldn't believe what i was hearing. and it's not like my depression/anxiety, or his, or satan's multiple mental disorders, were never brought up. these were common topics of discussion since day one! i can't tell you how confused i was.

the next weekend, we were sitting together watching some shit on tv and he made this stunningly racist comment about this chinese girl on the show. it was along the lines of how "americanized" people of any race who aren't the stereotypical version of that race are traitors to their race. the chinese girl in question on the show, for example, had been raised 100% in the us so she didn't have any "asian accent" at all, so according to him she was "a piece of shit."

again, it was so unbelievable that i seriously had to take a moment to absorb it. and i laughed uncomfortably, and he reiterated, completely seriously. he was like, "i mean it. they fucking disgust me. they're a disgrace to their race."

like ... what dude??? again, he had never said anything like this before! i couldn't believe he was saying this, because again - it was an issue that had always come up in our relationship. i'm multiracial and grew up in a town where there weren't many of "us." struggles with race had - and always HAVE been - a part of my life. he KNEW this. so i was just stunned thinking wow, is this like secretly what you've thought of me this whole time? or are you truly missing the irony (or is it hypocrisy?) of that statement? i still don't know the answer to that question. i wonder every day.

what is the truth?

oh my god, and i was just sitting here thinking damn, i wish i hadn't smoked so much pot because i forgot the last one, which is the worst. how could i forget this.

this was on the same weekend of one of the above, i can't remember which. i remember thinking after they had both happened, wow. this was a real twofer. i remember spending a lot of time wondering if this was a person he had become, or the person he always had been.

we were watching the news and there was a segment on about rape, and this fucking guy seriously said that women who are dressed provocatively were "asking for it," (yeah, oldie but goodie, right?) and this includes teenagers and even pre-teens. he was like real comically elbowy when he said it, like a family guy joke personified. and he for real was like, "yeah have you seen these 13 year olds lately?" and once again i laughed uncomfortably, because like i said, he did it really showy and comically so i thought he was just making a really off color joke. but he doubled down on this one, too, insinuating that if it wasn't illegal he would be like, hitting on 12 year olds.

but women shouldn't "look like that" unless they want trouble, and they need to just accept that it's going to come because it's a tease and the women "obviously wants attention" and men are men. and i was waved off when i said that men should be held - and hold themselves - to a higher standard and like ... just not rape people(!?). for real? i know this wasn't the first time we talked about this in 8 years!

okay so once again, here we are back at the beginning. the question is, did he genuinely believe this horrible shit all along, and he just lied to me about everything? he pretended to be a nicer, less awful person for years and finally let it all come out? or was he just lying to me about this stuff, knowing it would upset me, make me be less into him, so he wouldn't feel as bad about breaking up with me?

either way, he's a garbage person. but i can't help but wonder.

the weekend we had a really big fight, like 3 weeks before we broke up, he had frustrated me so much over something that we had fought about for YEARS and i thought he was fucking finally done doing, that i started to cry. then, he walked out and slammed the door on me, which we had also fought about for YEARS. (i was always the bigger fucking person and i lost everything for it. i won't deny that i'm still extremely bitter about this.) so after all this i was bawling, saying "WHY do you constantly DO this?? there are things you said never to do to you if we're fighting, and i have never done them, even though you've done some really fucked up shit. why can't you ever respect what i want? what the fuck do i ask you for?"

this, because i had asked him to just be honest with me and let me know if he didn't want to go out, because when we would do an activity just to appease me, he would act like a sullen child all day and ruin the activity, rushing me along and making me feel guilty for putting him out so much. so i said please just spare me having to suffer through a day of that, i am perfectly fine to stay in. but he then insisted upon doing it, but was slamming doors and huffing and puffing about it.

so anyway, after i started crying because of this, (because HOW ANNOYING IS THAT, RIGHT?? that is an unbelievable amount of bullshit to have to go through almost every fucking weekend with a grown ass fucking man.) he was rolling his eyes and literally shouting at me, "OH HERE WE GO WITH THIS!" and was just being horrible to me! he stormed off into the shower again and i was shouting into the bathroom, "can you please come back out here so we can finish this conversation and we're not fighting all day?" he comes out and is responding to me like a dick, and i'm like "okay so do you really want to go out, or not?" and he's replying either super sarcastically, or in different weird voices, fake cheery, etc. and i'm like, "[boy], why are you doing this??" and he gets in the bed and covers himself completely with the blankets, and i'm saying, "are you really serious?? can you please look at me and talk to me like a grownup!!??" and he just ran the gamut from mocking me, my face, my voice, laughing at me, playing peekaboo with the sheets(?? yes, i'm serious).

i stood beside the bed for a minute, just completely frozen, shaking. i seriously thought to myself, "who is this person?" like i didn't know what to do. this person i had known and confided in and stood next to and supported for 8 fucking years saw me this upset and just ... laughed at me? he literally laughed at me, like out loud, and when i looked over at him in absolute shocked disbelief, he said my face looked funny when i cried.

i stood frozen for another minute, it felt like, trying to decide if i should just pack my bag and leave this guy and never talk to him again, because he is clearly the worst. and i looked over at him and asked him if i should just go home? and he laughed at that, was like rolling around and hiding under the sheets like this was all a big fucking joke! and i couldn't stop staring at him like he was a fucking alien, because i couldn't believe he was acting like this! my brain could not comprehend. i felt like i couldn't even think. and i kept looking over at him, and i was asking him, "do you even care? do you? i'm with a person who literally does not fucking care about my feelings at all, that i'm about to pack up my shit and leave. and you don't even CARE?"

finally after a little bit more of this he became serious and said he was sorry and hugged me and said he got uncomfortable and was trying to "lighten the mood." it sounded and felt like bullshit to me, so i was like whatever go shower and he did. he came downstairs afterward and told me again he was sorry and he just didn't like getting emotional and he didn't know what to say to me so he was just trying to be funny. but the rest of the weekend i felt really gross, and couldn't shake the feeling that he was suddenly this stranger. my brain kept going back trying to remember if he had ever been like this before. but i could never remember him being cruel.

i'm pretty sure i alluded to this in an earlier entry around when it happened, and said that at that moment, i fell out of love with him a little. at the time, i said i'd wait to see how his behavior was going forward. and in the weekends following, he had made those horrifically offensive comments, but he was back to acting normal. see, i wish i had written about this when it first happened. because i think this was the same weekend that we were on our way on the trip, and this was when he told me in the car that he couldn't imagine his life without me.

so, what was the truth? what is the truth?

i found the entry. was he already gone from me then, and he let himself slip? or did he see how i reacted and that was it for him? i am sure that he was cheating on me with someone else. it's just always been his pattern, so why change it now? so, was he ever really with me? did it start before that fight, or after? or was that fight the last nail in the coffin?

i have so many questions. was he always this awful person, or did he become this person to get me to detach?

it's brutal to end a long relationship no matter what, but to be treated this way? that is what i haven't been able to get over. i can't get over that someone who "loved" me could be like this. and in the end, it still doesn't fucking matter what the truth is, because either way he's a fucking piece of shit, and i lose, and life goes on.

2018-03-02: ready to start.
2018-02-22: i'm doing it.
2018-02-01: cutting the bitterness with some sweetness.
2018-01-22: the waking up process.
2018-01-21: let's see what happens.



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i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.