| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
rambling about life and death because i can't sleep.
2017-12-15 @ 10:56 p.m.
all day i kept trying to write this entry but it was fucking crazy, we were doing so many things, and then it started snowing like fucking crazy on top of all of the nonsense and i just couldn't get into it. i just wanted to say that yesterday one of our tenants was found dead in his apartment. in just the past few days, a number of people had just kind of spontaneously mentioned that they hadn't seen him in a while, and i said that i saw him walking pretty far down the pike about a week ago, but that was the last time. his son went over to check on him and climbed through the window to find him dead on the couch, really really badly decomposed. he'd been in there for quite a few days with the heat cranked up. it was really sad. this guy struggled with addiction for years, longer than any of us have known him. over the summer he came home from being away at rehab for a pretty long time, and actually got a job and was both clean and working for the first time in years. i drove around with him and his mom several times and they told me the abridged version of their life stories. it was just all a lot of sad. the cop told us that they couldn't tell what he died from because of the state he was in. it sucks to die any way you go i guess, but i just hoped he didn't OD, although that's what my guess was. i know so many people who got clean, got a job, got it together, and then they were like, "just one more time." and that was their last time. it happens to so many people. it could have been a heart attack. or an aneurysm. he was diabetic, too. anything. but i just hope that it was a freak thing and that he was still clean and went out on top. it made me think of my brother, who's clean for so many years now, but sometimes makes these casual drug comments that concern me so deeply. because so, so many people who have done hard drugs have told me, once you know what it feels like, nothing else compares. you always just want to feel it again. it's a compulsion. you know it absolutely can, and maybe did at one point rule and ruin your life. but you still want to do it. even boy, who was also a former addict, said the same thing. you just don't do it because you know better, that it will fuck shit up. but some people don't have that ability to "just not do it." everyone's one bad decision away from total disaster. so i thought of them, and kind of worried about my brother for a few hours. i called my mom and told her about it and she said that she was just talking to a coworker about this the other day. coworker had two sons, one was an addict fuckup and the other was the golden child. the golden child got sick of mom always bailing out his brother, who he thought was a complete loser. golden child decided he was going to try heroin once and then never do it again just to show his brother that it's possible to just stop. he got a bag laced with fentanyl and died from that first and only time. wtf, right? and i was saying to myself all day, stop being so worried and ridiculous about this! but it's really fucking scary man. at any time it could all go wrong. i guess that lead to the greater existential theme of my worry session the other day. like, at any time you could just die. sure, you may not be sick, may not plan on going anywhere or doing anything, may not be engaged in any kind of risky behaviors, etc, but some horrible freak thing might happen and then you're dead. after they found our tenant, boss said that's why it's kind of scary to live alone. if there's no one to physically check up on you, something might happen to you, just like this did, and no one will know for a while. it made me think of that documentary about the woman who died alone in her apartment, and she really didn't have many friends or anyone like, deeply invested in her, so it went unnoticed for 4 years or something crazy like that. at the time i watched it, i was really isolated. i wasn't working and was deep in my depression. that documentary really fucking disturbed me because it could easily have been me. of course i do really appreciate that now, there are so many people in my life who would check on me. when i was driving with mr. able and his daughter this week, it was family. it felt so good. and then there's boss and his family. i'm even getting along with my mother, inexplicably (well, kind of explicably (haha). my therapist and i were exploring the possibility that my mom hated boy and was taking it out on me because she does things like that. our relationship was never great, but there is a marked difference between with boy and now, without.). so i don't know. i got home really late tonight after driving on very snowy but poorly treated roads, then smoked a lot of pot and got into bed and started writing this. tenant's passing has made me think a lot. i've felt guilty a lot lately for how selfish i'm being with my time, but after 8 years of giving 90% of myself to someone who gave me about 5% of himself in return, my therapist assures me it's okay to do things for myself and do what will make ME happy as long as it's not at anyone else's expense. i need to be happy. i need to make it through each day, be my best self, try my best to seek happiness in all of the little places i can find it. for the first time in a very long time, i went to the bank the other day and i had over a thousand dollars in my account. i buy things that i want now, instead of spending every last dime i had, and even the ones i didn't have, trying to please the unpleasable. it's just me now, and honestly, i have almost everything that i want. i think that if i did die tomorrow, i'd be going out on top. it feels amazing to say that. i'm really proud of myself, and even more thankful. |