| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
let's see what happens.
2018-01-21 @ 1:51 p.m.
after i wrote that last entry particularly, and over the last month generally, i've been slowly coming to realize how dysfunctional my relationship with boy was. in the last week or so, i've come to realize that he is a textbook narcissist, just like my mother. i heard someone say something like this, in regard to their relationship with a narcissist: "i felt like i was collecting coupons, or vouchers, and i was just saving up and saving up, in hopes that the day would come that i could cash them in and he would love me." and man, that struck such a chord in me because i said almost that exact same thing several times to different people right after everything happened. but i had said, "in hopes that the day would come that we would finally be happy." but i was under the illusion that he actually loved me, and that we were in it together. i felt like, throughout the whole relationship, that if i "had his back" all the time, he would do the same for me. but time after time, he proved to me that not only did he not have my back at all, but he had no intention to unless it somehow benefited him. all of the little favors i did for him, and really big ones, and putting myself and others out for him, were filling some imaginary love bank in my head, but because he is the kind of person that he is, the bank was a sieve. so many times, countless times, i exclaimed at him, "what else can i possibly do for you? nothing is ever enough for you!" and he would just say, "i know." i should have known, i should have known. but as i said to my therapist, i have this problem with taking people at their word. i need to start trying to figure out if their words and actions match. i don't want to get sucked into this - today is my relax day and i partake in no stressful activities. and this makes me so sad. but it is important. all i can think about is how much i gave up for him. how much time i lost to this. at least if it got me somewhere, it wouldn't hurt so much. but i feel like, in life, i took 10 steps backwards. i'm 35 this year. it's just an awful feeling. last night i was laying awake thinking about all of this, and i started trying to convince myself that this is a good thing. it's true that my mind is in a better place now. this sidequest granted me +100 wisdom. maybe it will make it easier to level up. and i do have a lot to be thankful for now. in some ways, i'm better off than before. so i don't know. all i can say is, let's see what happens. |