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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
i'm hoping i won't stay the same.
2017-11-02 @ 10:00 p.m.
i thought a lot about that last entry and whether i really wanted to post it and if i was just being dramatic about boss, but no, i'm 100% right. honestly, i just really REALLY hope this does not become a problem. i don't care what it becomes, if it becomes anything other than what it is. but i do not want a fucking problem. i love my job. i love my job. WHO THE FUCK GETS TO SAY THAT? i can't tell you how much i love my job, for real. i love absolutely everything about it! there are no parts that i don't like! the only thing that matters to me is being able to keep saying that. i've thought about this a lot, and there are so many ways this could get fucked up. he said something to me tonight that made me worry that one day this might become a problem. ugh, please don't let this become a problem. i hung out with best friend last night and she's in this stable, perfectly okay but completely unfulfilling relationship and she doesn't know what to do because her kiddo is fully bonded with this guy (dad went insane and left, then 2 or 3 other guys, and kiddo's only 8). she's like waiting and hoping that something will just happen, like something out of her control, that will make the decision for her. we were talking about how we've become so self-actualized, and she said something like, "don't you wish you were like you are now when we were like, 28? i would have made so many different decisions. my life would be completely different now." what a thought. my therapist asked me the other day, "what would 15 year old you think if she met current you?" 15 year old me would be like, "YES!" she would also be really excited that best friend and i are still best friends. we're going on 25 years! that shit is crazy. what i'm saying is i'm getting there! and for the most part i've been true to the person i have wanted to be. it really isn't all bad. i think that once you are able to accept that really horrible things are going to happen, and that the pain is really going to hurt, really badly, every time, and nothing is fair, it becomes easier and easier to get past it. it was a learning experience. it was a learning experience. that's what everyone says. that's what my therapist said, and best friend, and boss too. you jump off. do you fall, or do you fly? |