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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
cutting the bitterness with some sweetness.
2018-02-01 @ 10:55 p.m.
i spend a lot of time being super bitter about everything that happened, and i'm trying really hard to shift my thoughts to the positives, because there truly are many of them, but ... you know. it's fucking tough, man. this guy really fucked me over. it's hard to accept that some people are just really bad people, and they don't care, and they don't feel anything. i'm slowly getting there, too, but that one is really tough. i'm a kind of person who has always tried to look on the bright side and find the best in everyone. i was reading a relationship forum the other day and this woman was going on about how horrible her husband was, but then she ended it with "but most other times he's really loving and we really get along and have fun together and a lot in common! the last guy i was with was WAY more abusive than this one!" and everyone was like hey that's cool, but 1) the fact that this guy is less abusive than the last guy doesn't necessarily mean he's good, and 2) even though you have those kind of nice things about your relationship, it's still a shitty relationship if you're dealing with the bad stuff more often than the nice stuff, or if the bad stuff is some orders of magnitude worse than the nice stuff. that really struck me because i'd known for some time, and complained privately to some of my really close friends and family that i had settled. especially after little A had moved in, i knew i would always struggle with boy. his irresponsibility, his immaturity, his impulsiveness, his constant moods, his complete and total lack of care for his health. what kept us together was we were best friends, the sex was great, and he was getting a lot from me without having to do anything at all. i was a victim to the sunk cost fallacy. the more you invest in something, the harder it becomes to abandon it. we were ... 4 years in when i started to really feel it, but we had such history. i loved him so much. i thought that he would just grow up and get tired of the drama one day and it would stop being so hard. if i could just hang in there long enough. and we had plenty of wonderful times sprinkled in there to sustain me. and now, since hindsight is 20/20, i know that those sprinkles were not enough to cover up the fact that i was eating a shit sundae. remember that time boy spent an entire month of bills in one shot when i had a negative account balance and he had court in a few days? want to know what really happened there? he had an insane number of points on his license, got a ticket for driving 91 in a 65 (in nj points and fines are doubled in a 65 zone), got his license suspended and crazy fucking fines, needed a traffic lawyer or he would have been completely fucked (who cost like $2500 just to hire, not counting the tickets and fines and surcharges), then KNOWING ALL OF THIS, DECIDED TO HAVE HIS MOTORCYCLE REPAIRED FOR ALMOST $1400 just a few days before court. i was like motherfucker, you're not even going to have a LICENSE, why, why, WHY would you spend literally all of our money like this without telling me? on something so stupid and extra and completely unnecessary? for this, i got a face full of shit for days. it was turned around on me and i was the asshole. okay. i'm free now, and it feels really good. i did love him and want to be with a better him but i didn't realize how much the stress was affecting me until i was out. the depression, the suicidal thoughts, the panic attacks, the agoraphobia, the anxiety ... they weren't solely his fault but he certainly wasn't helping. after a while, it becomes really really heavy to live a life always waiting for the next disaster. i know now that i am better off. but it's so hard looking back on how much i put in to see that i never got anything out, and in fact, am worse off now than i was when we started. okay, i'll be fair and say that in many ways i'm worse off than i was. but in some ways, i really am better. i had to grow up a lot. i lost my naivete. now, i know what rock bottom feels like. i know that there are people out there who exist to prey on the kindness, generosity, and forgiving nature of others. they have no conscience, and will suck you dry without a second thought, then toss you aside when they're done. now, i know what to look for. now, i have self-respect and am developing my self-esteem. i'm learning how to say no. i'm learning how to put myself first. i love my job. i love boss. i know what genuine love feels like. that there are truly good people out there who love and accept you as you are, will do anything for you, and don't expect anything in return. i am thankful for my little apartment. i've been going in there, slowly moving my things in, and i'm growing to love the new smell, my little bathroom, my tiny kitchen. it's mine. i worked for it and earned it. and boss made it perfect because it makes him happy to see me happy. i currently drive about 30 minutes to work, so i am thankful that my commute will go down to 0 miles each way!! no more tolls, hardly any gas unless i go out. i've moved to an area with more "stuff" around (closer to stores, major highways, major cities). i'm thankful for this new beginning. in this house, i feel so haunted by the spectre of all of these memories. i said to boss the other day that my house never got to feel like it was really mine. boy and little A moved in and destroyed so many of my things, and boy's constant antics led to constant money problems and a constant inability to replace or repair things that were ruined/broken/whatever. i just had to deal with it. now i don't have to worry about cleaning up after anyone but myself. i can cook whatever i want to, i can come and go as i please, i don't have to worry about someone else eating the last of my food. i don't have to do all of the emotional labor anymore. i am thankful for this new relationship with my mom. [insert chris pratt meme here] - i don't know why she's being so cool lately, and at this point i'm too afraid to ask. my therapist asked me if i plan to confront her about the abuse, but i'm just going to let it go. boy was voluntarily in my life, but my mother is not. i am thankful for our present relationship, and if things go south again, well, we'll deal with that when we get there. for now, i just want to enjoy this feeling of having a "normal" mom as long as it's going to last. i am thankful for my health. i have a few lingering shitty things going on right now but i am thankful that i now have the money, strength, and clarity of mind to deal with them. i will deal with them, and then they will be gone. i've been toying around with getting a phoenix tattoo instead of the one i had been planning to get next, and the other night i talked myself out of it because i was like, what if i fail again? what if something happens next time that causes me to completely crumble? but as i was writing this, i decided that i am going to get it. i want it to inspire me to always pick myself up. to remind me that i CAN do it and i will come back. from anything. |