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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
i'm doing it.
2018-02-22 @ 8:37 p.m.
i have like two major entries sitting in notepad unfinished that i want to get into but i just don't have the time! one of them is about the slowly (and kind of dangerously) escalating situation with boss, and the other is about all of these revelations i had about my relationship with boy and how abusive he actually was. it's been 6 months as of a week or so ago, and still i have never heard one single word from him. can you even imagine that? after 8 years. and he just doesn't even care enough to make sure that i'm still alive. someone who is supposedly your best friend and closest companion, and you just one day decide that you never need to speak to them again. it's mind boggling. well, it was. but after all i've learned about him and the kind of person he is, i understand now that he never cared, he just acted like he did. it sucks, but to quote the piece of shit himself, "it is what it is." so i'm writing now to just mention a couple of silly things because i don't have the time to get into all that tonight. boss had some business partners in today, one of them who is his close friend and who i see frequently and love (SS), and the other is a friend of SS who i've never met until today, M. they all speak the same language (which i'm picking up a lot of from hearing them talk all the time), and when SS was introducing me to M he was talking about how i'm the best secretary - "more than a secretary!" M was very nice. once they were done wrapping up their meeting and were heading out the door, SS said he was going to stop bothering me and i said and laughed, "no, you're never bothering me! i think you're delightful!" and M said, "it was a pleasure to meet you. i love your tiny voice." i thought that was the cutest thing ever. no one has ever said that to me before. i told boss, and he was all like, "ohh, so you've got another boyfriend, huh?" and i said why, are you jelly? and he said, "i'm always jelly." it's going to be weird when i finally start dating again. i know more context would be helpful here, but who knows when i'm going to get to that. so other things going on at work and with boss are that we have these two stores. the new one was doing super shitty, and business at the original one was declining rapidly because boss and i were spending all of our time over at the new one. the employees at the original store need constant supervision because when left to their own devices, they just dick around all day, and JC steals money. so to remedy this, boss and i came back to the original store and he hired one of his part time errands guys W to sit as a receptionist and answer the phones and call one of us over if we had a serious customer stop by. unfortunately, W is not only really hard of hearing but he's also somewhat mentally disabled. he's the nicest guy ever, but he has a hard time following conversations, was transcribing phone messages incorrectly, and just isn't capable of the level of responsibility we needed from him. boss was getting super frustrated with the whole thing (especially because we kind of had a fight about the fact that i did NOT want to be selling and dealing with customers) and was like ugh! i'm just going to close the place down! i'm bleeding money from having hired new guy and he's not even making back his salary in completed work each week! i need to fire him and ER and just sell the new store! so i was like, boss. listen to me. put new guy (MS from now on since he's not really new anymore) over at the new store. he used to be in that line of business for a living. he's smart, english is his first language (we were getting a lot of complaints from the snooty, upscale type of customers we had over there that the employees "didn't speak good english" (ER because he has a thick accent and W because he has a speech impediment)), he knows how to use a computer, and he's going to be motivated to do well because if he doesn't, this is his last stop. i said, instead of just firing the guy, give him two months over there. tell him straight up that it's sink or swim. he'll either succeed or not. if he does great then he'll get to keep his job and business will improve, and if he does shitty then he'll get fired, which was going to happen anyway. SUPER RELUCTANTLY, boss listened to me. he had me figure out a schedule where MS could still do some of the work he was doing at original store in the morning, then head over to the new store in the afternoon. we cut the costs of having W over there all day and freed ourselves up significantly to be able to go back and forth from each shop as needed. best of all, MS is killing it over there! his mood and attitude are so much better, and his technological competence has saved me SO much time and lightened my workload significantly. AND and, we're making money. boss, who is legendary for never admitting that he was wrong, actually told me twice this week, "you know, you were right about putting MS over there. he really is doing a great job. he's really hustling and he's made 3 sales already." boss and i had been fighting for the past two days and i was in a garbage mood when he told me this the first time, so i just gave him this smarmy grin and was like, yeah, i know. and he slammed his hands on my desk and was like "i'm giving you a compliment, dammit!" and i was like "yeah, i know! THANKS! as it turns out, i'm pretty smart!" and he's like, "yeah, I know!!" haha. he's really annoying sometimes but i still love him. last week i worked like 50 hours and he was like holy shit, we spent 50 fucking hours together this week!? that's more than i see my actual family. you do realize that, right? i told him he should probably try to be less of a workaholic but he said that's impossible, so ... what can you do. anyway, so that's what's up at the moment. the past two weekends we had some awesome family events happen, and they were great. it's so weird arriving to these things and not feeling pressured to leave as soon as i arrive, not being super late to the event because i had someone super disrespectful of everyone's time in tow, not walking on eggshells the entire time that the wrong conversation would start, not worrying about having to explain my partner's attitude to everyone after it was over, not having to check the clock every 5 minutes because my phone is being blown up with texts asking "how much longer??" and "when are you planning to leave??" and "are you on the road yet?? WTF" (these were my favorite because i/we would always have to leave the party just to go back home and just sit on the couch), etc. etc. it just feels so good to be a person again. the more time away from him i spend, the more i realize how deeply into the earth he had pulled me. nothing belonged to me, not even my own time. i was always second guessing myself, worried about what i said and how it sounded and how i looked and how i was acting. i was so guarded and afraid all the time, and SO full of self-doubt. so anxious waiting for the next mess i would have to clean up, all on my own. ah, the freedom. the freedom! i'm allowed to fall asleep when i want to, then wake up and spend my weekend out exploring and experiencing the world instead of sitting in a dark room on the couch all day. i'm allowed to have preferences and feelings and my own opinions again. i just feel so much happier with each day that passes. all of these people i meet every day, boss, my job, my tiny apartment ... i am so grateful for it all. my family coming back together and the good times we've been having lately. even my hair and skin are better. it's like a toxicity is slowly leaving my body. instead of dreading waking up in the morning, i find myself really excited lately. i'm excited to move forward, to conquer the next problem, to meet the next goal. i'm excited to contribute to the organization and help boss. i have never felt like this before in my life. and i just can't get over how this all belongs to me. i found mr. able, who in turn hooked me up with boss. this is what i wanted. i went from doing filing for boss for a couple of hours a few days a week to being his right hand and "running the empire" as we've come to call it. his friends and associates all tell me that he would be lost without me. even boss's dad said it to one of our contractors the other day. he said "WE would be lost without her." after all of this, after having everything i worked so hard for the first time taken away from me and burned to the ground, i'm doing it. all on my own. and this time, it's exactly what and how i want it to be. |