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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
what truly matters.
2018-06-28 @ 12:56 a.m.
my birthday was fantastic. a whole weekend of people who wanted to be with me. my brother and SIL came up here to visit me and take me out to dinner. we went out with friends one night, then the next day they surprised me by taking me out on a secret trip to a place that i've wanted to go for a long time that boy had promised he was going to take me but never did. the next day we had a family bbq and my granny told me she loved me and we all laughed and had a great day together. then i celebrated a quarter century of friendship with best friend. over the years, we've had our ups and downs, a couple of falling outs, and we don't talk every single day. we sometimes don't even talk for weeks. i remember when i came over to help her prepare for her wedding, i was deep in the shit with boy. we were at our bottom, he was abusing me horribly, my car was barely running and he hated it when i went out. he would constantly text me asking me when i was done, when i was coming home. best friend had walked out of the room and one of her work friends approached me and told me how disappointed in me she was (she, as in the work friend) that i hadn't been around more during this whole process because best friend had said she wished i was around more, and what kind of friend was i. i felt really badly, because i had literally never met this fucking girl before and she takes this moment to lecture me during one of the worst periods of my life. but you know what? this shitty girl abandoned and turned on best friend during one of the worst periods of best friend's life. i was deep in my abuse and best friend called me to be with her, and i was there, and she knew i would be there. we hadn't spoken in a few months and i answered that phone and was next to her when those "friends" turned on her and tried to sabotage her personally and professionally. and you know what? she was always there for me, too. she knew i was struggling, she knew i was suffering with boy, and she always came over just to talk to me, to check on me. she never judged me, she never made me feel bad about myself or my decisions. but she was there to listen to me and tell me she would help me if i needed it. i could move out and in with her if i wanted to escape. we've never had to love each other's stupid choices. we've just loved each other. we're two completely different, difficult people, but we get each other. so we went away, spent a weekend together just lounging, eating, adventuring, and enjoying each other's company. just the two of us, no kids or spouses or significant others. it was so good. it was just a wonderful time. i'm so thankful to have this fucking crazy ass person in my life. there's nothing like having someone who has known you your entire life, through nearly everything that has happened to you, still by your side as you approach 40. my soul feels so full, so at ease. this weekend i'm going to spend the weekend with my brother and SIL and parents. we're all so excited, and have a ton of activities planned. work is great, as always. boss is so good to me. i'm absolutely swamped with paperwork i need to do, among and on top of boss's constant neediness, but i say that with love. he and i get along wonderfully. we argue like a married couple, yell at each other often, but we're in sync. we've connected on some kind of weird level and make an excellent system. he often says i'm the other half of his brain, that i read his mind. it took some fights, but he understands how i tick. he knows when to leave me alone, he knows what to say and what not to. it's strange when you don't understand what happy and fulfilled really feel like, the things that you will mistake for them. i pressed "random entry" on my diary earlier today at work, and i couldn't believe what i mistook for happy six years ago. two years ago, even. i don't want to start going on and on about it. but i've realized, when you're starving, a few crumbs feel like a feast. when you're thirsty, that person who offers you a few drops of water seems like the kindest, most generous person on earth. but there's someone out there who would have given you the whole ocean if only you'd looked harder. after boy looked at me, emotionless, and told me flatly that it was over, i went home and thought that if he had ever really felt anything for me, he would at least call me or text me just once to make sure that i had arrived home safely, to say he was sorry it had to be like this, just ... anything. after all that time together. but now i understand what kind of person he is, he was, he always had been. he didn't care about me, how i was doing. he never contacted me because he was sitting there waiting for me to contact him. i guarantee that he thought to himself, "if she really loved me she'll blow up my phone, calling me, texting me, begging me to talk to her and take her back." he thrived on that. he was so proud of himself for "turning" one of his exes into a lesbian because she said she'd never have anyone as good as him again. little A's mother would sometimes break down and text him and tell him how much she still missed and loved him and wanted him back, after everything that had happened between them. he loved when she did this, and instead of just ignoring it like anyone who had really moved on would do, he relished it, replying to her cruelly, teasing her, playing with her even though he knew it was killing her. he laughed as he did it. he thought it was hilarious. when he was doing it, i knew it was shitty but i never realized just how horrible a person you'd have to be to do that to someone who was obviously hurting. i hated her because she was awful but i never sought to torture her. i look back on my life with that person and it's unrecognizable. the person i was then is unrecognizable to me now. i didn't know any better. i didn't know what it felt like to have fulfilling relationships. i didn't know what it felt like to be happy in my work, to feel useful and have pride in it. to have people around me who enjoyed being around me and not just because they wanted something. to have positive energy surrounding me, and to not feel conflicted for standing beside someone who took such perverse pleasure in cutting someone down, stepping on their neck and enjoying every second of it. that's not me or the person that i want to be. i have these flashes of wishing terrible things on him but i know that would make me no different than he is. instead, i just thank the universe for giving me this second chance at life with the gift of hindsight and this hard-fought peace of mind and of soul. last year, i was so afraid. so afraid. a little less than two years before that, i was sitting in a crisis center on new year's eve because i was going to kill myself. but after that i trusted in what was right for ME and everything just fell right into place. now i know what truly matters. and i have it all. |