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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
man emotions, forward progress, molting.
2018-07-14 @ 10:39 p.m.
boss hates the new place and keeps vacillating between keeping it open and closing it. it's in a significantly better location than the old place and is just much nicer and newer and has better facilities inside. he keeps complaining that it's too hard to manage both places but i think he's just making a big deal about it because he doesn't want to keep it open. if it were managed correctly, and if his "partner" actually did the one singular thing he signed on to do when we opened (which is ESSENTIAL to the operation of the business), it would be successful with little effort. i tell him he needs to move ER over there, and he says no, ER won't want to do that. i'm like okay, well let's move our (boss's and my) HQ over there. he's like no, if i left them (JC, AL, TS) over here alone all day then nothing would get done. i'm like, boss. this is not working because you don't want to manage anyone. why do you care what ER will WANT to do? does ER want to keep his job or not? if he does, then he'll suck it up and do it. i love ER but all he does is sit around on the computer all day, and sometimes run errands for boss. he can do that in another location just as easily. if he doesn't want to keep his job, which he has been saying ever since i started working here (not to mention the number of times boss has said he's going to fire ER since i started), then he'll finally try harder and find another job. it drives me crazy that boss won't make the decisions necessary to succeed. he talks so much shit about how he doesn't take shit from anyone, but when it comes down to it he's terrified of confrontation and of change. ANY change. we are very similar creatures, as it turns out. but i have come to realize that sometimes you need to face the fear and DO something unless you want things to carry on as they are. i want to grow. i want more. i love boss so much and it just makes me crazy to see him spinning his wheels and getting nowhere and being so stressed about everything because he's doing it to himself. on top of all of this, which has been ongoing since i started working here but has significantly increased since we opened the new place, mr. able decided he is going to move back to their country. he told me months ago and made me promise not to say anything, so i didn't. mr. able called boss earlier in the week and finally told him, and boss was so upset. i was talking to mr. able in the morning and he told me that when he told boss the night before, boss got really emotional and said to him, "[mr. able], i know i'm not your best friend, but you are mine" and that he didn't want him to go. mr. able said that really struck him and made him feel so bad, but this is something he has to do. when i came in later that day, boss was not in a great mood. after a while passed, and we were eating lunch together, he said he had received a disturbing call from mr. able the night before. he told me of their conversation, and that mr. able said he was leaving, and boss asked if i knew about this and i said yeah, for a while now. he couldn't believe that i didn't tell him and i told him that when i promise to keep my mouth shut, i keep it. he was impressed by my secret-keeping ability but then went on to tell me that he was so upset about this he didn't sleep the night before. i felt so bad for him, especially since i had asked mr. able to tell boss when he first decided to leave, because i knew he would be upset. they've been friends for 30 years! boss doesn't make time for hardly anyone, except mr. able. the man emotions were tough to deal with, but i appreciate that they both trust me enough to tell me their feelings the way they do. their culture is super macho so i'm sure it's nice to have someone you can go to in confidence. there's a whole novel to be written about the ever changing, evolving, and slightly dangerous relationship boss and i have but every time i start to commit it to writing i just don't know what to say. as i always say, we'll come back to it, i guess. -- i worked today. (everything i wrote before was in the office, before i came home.) i needed money. and i still really overextended myself but in the next couple weeks i should make up for it. i was excited all day to get home so i could just chill. i've been going nuts for the past few months. i'm really forcing myself to go and do things and be more social, starting with the weekends. my brother and SIL keep saying they're moving soon so i keep hanging out with them as much as possible before they go. they really want to move but i really don't want them to. i don't see them enough as it is, and they'll be so far away from everyone when/if they go. ugh, i don't want to start thinking about that now. so yeah, my point was that i've just been running around and trying to do every activity, but this weekend i decided to work today to get ahead on my finances, and will enjoy a day of cleaning, cooking, smoking pot, a little gaming, and hopefully some writing tomorrow. i'm one who needs a lot of time to decompress, and it's been a good month since i've had a solid two days of solitude. looking forward to that next weekend - where i try to interact with as few people as possible until i feel recharged. tomorrow is just a breather. i was being pretty irresponsible with money for a while (not really, but i mean in terms of the savings plan i put myself on), but i feel that i've gotten the major stuff that i wanted to buy out of the way, and most of the holidays and parties and trips are out of the way now, so i can start getting more serious and back on track with it. my car insurance went down like 5 dollars this month for some reason, which was absolutely awesome, i paid off a debt i was making payments on, and my cable bill went down like $50 too. all of that saves me about $100 a month. i stopped getting crazy while grocery shopping because i've rebuilt my condiments and dry goods supply -- -- okay, let me interject with this. when i moved here, i had a completely empty fridge for a couple of weeks. for some reason, my entire life, anytime i've moved my mom has been like, "throw everything out (including condiments!), just buy new stuff! have a fresh start!" so every time, just because it was so deeply instilled in me, i would always throw out everything in my fridge and pantry except for spices and dry goods (flour, sugar, etc). so when i was moving out of my house i threw everything out of the fridge, but when i started on the pantry i was like ... what's wrong with the shit that i have? why do i need to buy a whole new box of pasta when i'm moving somewhere different and will still want to eat pasta? or that can of beans? it's not like they go bad, why would i just waste this perfectly good food? just because it was sitting in the pantry of a place i will no longer be living? why have i been throwing out perfectly good food this whole time?? life is strange. it's weird how you get programmed to think or do something and go for so long without realizing that you're just automatically doing it without even knowing why, without even knowing if it makes sense. anyway. i've finally rebuilt my basic cache of condiments, sauces, and kitchen staples so i don't need to keep buying every single ingredient for everything i want to cook now. i'm getting there. my next steps are to rebuild my emergency fund, start selling off the stuff i have in storage, get a new tattoo (i've been dying for a new one for so long!), save up a little more, buy some inventory, and re-open my etsy shop. if i can start making like $200 more a month i want to save an extra $100 of it and spend the other $100 on overhauling my wardrobe. more universal pieces, just a little higher quality. more jewelry and a couple of new pairs of shoes. i have kind of a really weird style but people seem to like it, so i feel like i'm at an age where i need to refine it and start looking a little more put-together and less sloppy. i'm a grown ass woman, there's no reason i need to be wearing a dress that has a staple holding on the strap. i'm just so excited to do things these days. i'm excited about tomorrow! literally and figuratively! the other night i was standing in the kitchen, listening to a youtube video, washing the dishes because i don't have a dishwasher anymore. i was just standing there, dancing, washing the dishes in my bunny slippers. enjoying wiping down the coffeemaker, then the sugar, flour, and tea canisters, then the countertop. cleaning out the old food from the fridge. i remember i was setting down a bowl to dry, and i thought to myself, can you fucking believe that you have nothing to worry about right now? like ... nothing nothing. can you even imagine? i felt so guilty for a moment. i know that so many people are going through so much shit. but even for those who aren't, there is often something troubling them. but right now? in my life? i have absolutely nothing to worry about. i have everything i need, and if i work hard and stick to the plan, i'll also have the things that i want. but everything is good, man. i can't remember if it was the same night, or a night later that i was sitting around, just totally relaxing on the couch watching a movie, and i texted boss, "did i forget to do anything?" and he's like, no, you're good. and i said, "i didn't need to auto-text you anything, right?" and he's like no, you did everything." and i was just like, huh. what a crazy feeling. jesus, this has taken me all day. but i guess it's been two weeks since i last wrote, and i guess a lot of stuff happened. there was a thing about boy that i wanted to write, but i haven't been able to remember what it was. that pleases me too, to know that it's all starting to just feel like a bad dream. for the better part of this year, it felt that the memories were just clinging to me like this heavy fucking cloak. now, the past few weeks, they've felt so much lighter, like nothing at all, and i can just pass right through them, like a mist. |