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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
you're not getting any younger.
2018-09-25 @ 8:23 p.m.
boss is so annoying in general in mostly benign, endearing ways, but there are a few things he does that drive me absolutely nuts. first, he is an insane control freak and feels that only he can be the keeper of important government documents. this had lead me over time to just always give him absolutely everything of import to hold onto so i won't be the one to get in trouble for losing it. the second thing is that he is wildly disorganized, most often manifesting in him misplacing everything but insisting that he gave it to you (and by "you" here i mean: whoever he is talking to at the time). so he was being particularly bad with this yesterday. all day he was on me, like "omg why didn't you do this thing!?" or "you wrote a check out of the wrong checkbook last week for ER's paycheck!" and these were all things that i double checked with him on directly before doing them because i know how he is. especially the ER's paycheck thing. i asked him on that one specifically because we never use this account for paychecks in general and i thought it was weird, so i showed him the checkbook and asked, "i'm writing them all out of this one?" and he touched and looked at the checkbook and said yes. so later that night he and JC and i were all together in the office while he and JC got some things finished up. and i see him across the room, tearing up his desk in a panic, and i just look at him. and he's like "uhh [tinea], where's the [document] you gave to RW earlier?" and i told him i never gave RW the [document] because i thought it was too sensitive for him to carry, then i gave it back to you when you came back into the office. and he's like uhh, you didn't give it back to me, you've had it the whole time. i look over at the side of my desk where the [document] would have been, and there's nothing there, man. i wouldn't have put it anywhere else because they can't get damaged (and i had some cake and a cup of tea sitting there), and i never put things on the left side of my desk that might accidentally fall into the trash. i'm like, uhhh, no boss, you definitely have it. so he starts getting all fucking crazy over there like "aww fuck, omg" etc. then just seconds later he's all "oh, nevermind, it was over here under my folder the whole time." i couldn't control myself and yelled "OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO CUT YOU." and boss just looks over at JC and says "you hear that [JC]? if i turn up cut up, you're my witness!" i just love my environment. the family atmosphere. you can call people on their shit, and they can call you on yours. there's no bullshit anonymous memos in mailboxes and reports to HR and stupid shit like that. i fucking hated that about teaching. it seemed to me that many of my peers were there because they were now old and "powerful," so they could finally live out their revenge/popularity/smarmy superiority complex fantasies that didn't go their way when they were themselves in high school. we were contractually obligated to these meetings that sometimes just made me want to walk outside, directly into my car, and then drive that car into a tree. and both the tree and the car were on fire. anyway, i just love my job even though boss drives me nuts. and i mean that with regard to our personal and work lives. it's kind of a hard situation to explain, but that same night before JC had come in we were talking about controversy surrounding the kav nomination, and what defines sexual assault and he just couldn't understand why women don't just say something right away when these things happen instead of waiting years and years. he's super conservative and from the middle east so his views are just SO foreign and backwards and wrong to me. i was trying to explain to him all of the reasons but you know, this is a fight bigger than the passing conversation that we were having about it. so in this conversation he made two comments, one that demonstrated this real understanding of me on a spiritual level, and the other that - i felt - completely denigrated my character. he said something to the effect that he always has this little fear that one day, i'll essentially turn on him and decide that he harassed me and try to ruin his life. and i said, "you know i would never do that to you," and he just said you never know. at that point JC came in and interrupted us but i went home and to sleep on that and it really bothered me. i just couldn't understand how he could have made the first comment that he did, which demonstrated an understanding of this essential part of my nature that neither boy nor my own mother had never come to understand about me. he and i know each other so well. for him to insinuate that one day i might try to blackmail and extort him for what has been a completely consensual relationship so far was pretty insulting to me. today, i told him as much while we were eating lunch. i said i can't believe that you know me the way you do but at the same time think that i would do that to you. i know better than anyone that you don't have any money i can sue you for. so why? and he's like i know, i really know you wouldn't, but i'm always just afraid. and i ask why? and he says he's worried that one day in ten years i'll be sitting around with my husband and i'll mention boss and our weird situation and it'll cause some huge problem. so i'm like boss, number one it's nonsense to come up with these crazy scenarios. what goes on between us is between us. it would benefit neither of us to bring it up in any situation, at any point. i don't do anything i don't want to do. that felt cool to say, especially because i said it with conviction, and for the first time in my life, i fucking meant it. my whole life up until now has been doing things i don't want to do, often at the expense of myself, for little to no gain. and just as often, no appreciation. boss and i have discussed before that i was minorly sexually assaulted at work years ago (in this case, a grope), but once i learned about his culture's attitudes toward sex i never brought up with him the more serious ones. the worst, my first serious long-term boyfriend. i felt uncomfortable and gross about these things when they happened, but you know, at the time we didn't have really have the internet, there was absolutely no education around this in school, so i was just kind of traumatized for years by it. i've never told anyone about that one and the way he treated me. then boy, i mean you already have heard most of how that all was, but he was also very sexually coercive. he never physically forced me like the first one, but he was extremely and frequently emotionally manipulative around it. what i'm trying to get at is that statement was really meaningful for me on so many levels. i can't go back and change any of it now. now i just know what to do. i know what i stand for and how no person is worth sacrificing your dignity, your self-respect, your self-worth. no person who truly cares about you would want you to do that. that one was hard fought, but well worth it. i'm not sorry anymore, sometimes the answer is just no, not for any other reason than i don't want to. unrelated, my mom has been insanely forgetful about plans that we've made as a group lately. i'd say the past 3-4 family things we've done, there have been major communication issues in which my brother and i had an idea of what was happening when, and then one of us would talk to my mom to finalize the plans and she's like "what? we've never talked about this before. we never decided to cook [x]. i have no idea what you're talking about." the first few times my brother and i were getting really aggravated with each other because we thought the other was talking to our mother and misremembering the conversation, thus confusing everyone. this time, he called me directly after he spoke with her. he told me something COMPLETELY different than what she had said just this afternoon! around 5pm when i spoke with her. i said, "[brother], i JUST talked to mom and she said [x]." and he's like okay, well i literally just hung up with her and called you and that's what she said. wtf!? so i was like okay man, you and i right now are agreeing to this conversation. and he said okay, my wife is in the background and she heard all of this. so between the three of us, we know what we're going to do. i said dude, this is like the 3rd or 4th time that this has happened and i think mom just doesn't remember anything she tells us at all. it's not us, and it hasn't been us this whole time. and then when you call her on it, she's like what are you talking about? that conversation never happened. she seriously denied having any idea that we had planned this particular party back in july at SIL's birthday party. we all sat around the table and discussed it. so i was like fuck man, we have to start doing this now. we have to be the ones. time to be grownups. it's so weird when you think about how old you've gotten. the relative we visited on our trip just turned 65 this year. we have to start stepping up because our mother is getting older and more forgetful. boss talks about where we'll be in ten years. in ten years he'll be 62. he and i have already been together 3. none of us are getting any younger. things are changing. babies are being born, people are dying. my body doesn't bounce back like it used to. it's funny because i would always hear people say, when you turn 30 you start going downhill. and i was like haha you funny old people, thanks for the advice. and then i turned 30 and i still felt fucking great! but then i turned 35 and my whole self just decided it's not taking any more of my bullshit. i've always been able to drink like a fish, and i've never had hangovers until this past year. i did something unremarkable within the past week, some kind of motion i have made hundreds if not thousands of times with my arm. but this time, whatever that motion was resulted in what feels like a torn tendon or ligament or something. i'll reach up to adjust my glasses or pull a pin out of my hair and it feels like my arm is just going to break apart at the elbow. as hurt it again and again doing simple tasks this week, i kept thinking to myself, "you're not getting any younger." at the very least i need to make sure i'm taking my vitamins regularly. this is such a weird entry. i guess because the weather is changing finally. it's cool and overcast and breezy. the other day i pulled my sweater close and thought it felt like halloween. i'm going to escape to the forest this weekend, i feel like i need some time to think, and to decompress. my brain has been feeling a lot more creative lately. it's exciting to have ideas again. i've been writing a little bit, and have had some ideas for projects i could give as christmas presents. i feel like i'm getting back to the core of what i'm all about. yeah so this was just a mess, sorry to my future self and anyone else struggling through this. i started it at work and brought it home and started smoking some pot in the middle of it so i'm just all over the place. i've logged on several times trying to write about some of this, but the other stuff that just happened really completed my thoughts so i had to capture it while it was fresh. i tried to go back and edit and add and rearrange some stuff but for the most part, the way it came out is the best way. it makes sense to me, which is all that really matters. what else what else. i think that's it!? nite nite. (i don't even know what to title this ... ) |