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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
here i am.
2018-10-02 @ 9:22 p.m.
it's always fascinating to me how, out of all of the space between the ground and the atmosphere, flies manage to find the 12x24" opening of my window for the literally 7 seconds i have it open and get stuck inside our office. then, when they land on the window again and i open it again to try to let them out, they are literally 7 INCHES away from the opening and can't seem to manage to get back out. they'll fly around every single other area of our tiny office all day, people constantly coming and going, often leaving the door open, but they can't seem to make it out. like how? why? a couple of entries ago i was complaining about how my body feels old now, and i fucked up my elbow somehow doing some kind of common motion. that is almost back to normal, thank goodness, but i slept funny the other night and now have this excruciating lower back pain. it's like right near my tailbone. anytime i move my hips a certain way, or bend a certain way, it just shoots through me. last night i did an hour of yoga, and then did some stretches while laying with that area on the heating pad. i woke up to pee around 5-6am this morning (i didn't go to bed until 3 or so), but when i attempted to stand up that spot was so sore i almost just fell right on the floor. like you know the motion of when you're seated on the side of the bed and attempt to stand? imagine having no muscular strength whatsoever in your lower back to hold up the upper half of your body. oh my god it was awful! hunched over completely, i finally made it to the bathroom, but when i tried to sit on the toilet (and when i tried to stand up again), i had to actually do kind of a pushup to be able to get up. the great news is that it feels significantly better at this point today than it did this morning - i think at the time of my challenging morning pee my system had not recovered yet from the stretching, but once i finished my sleep, my muscles had repaired themselves some. at least, i hope so. my body feels like fucking trash compared to how it did only 5 years ago. i really need to start being more serious about my vitamins and i REALLY need to start working out again. when i was into it, i was so hardcore about it, like it was a serious chunk of my day. i think that's why i keep avoiding starting up again, because i am remembering a 3 hour daily time commitment that i just don't have right now. time or desire wise. but after these two minor injuries that occurred from doing basically nothing, it is clear to me that i need to put in at least an hour a day. i'm only going to hurt more, for a longer time next time if i don't nip this in the bud. "you're not getting any younger." i kind of wanted to talk about my brother and my dad, but i kind of really don't, especially after tonight. like my dad has just been a super flake lately, like in the past ... 3ish years probably. dramatically different behavior than before. he suddenly stopped talking to me, like even missed my birthday for a few years straight. my brother was trying to get us to "make up," but on my side i had tried and he had ignored me, so there's only so much emotional energy i'm willing to put into a person now. like i don't know if he wasn't talking to me because of something to do with boy? that's the only thing i could think about, but i don't know, and my brother didn't know. so i just chalked it up to maybe i did something that pissed him off and he didn't want to talk to me at all anymore, but also never wanted to tell me what exactly the problem was. but the thing was, i had reached out to him a number of times in these years. my brother had been under the impression that i was refusing to contact him. but i tried to explain that i emailed my dad many times, called him a number of times and left messages with his then-girlfriend (this is why i didn't want to get into this, because i think all of this started with his ex but it's SUUUUCH a long story), and he never responded. then once he completely missed my birthday i just figured whatever, what can you do. and told my brother if my dad wanted to talk to me, the door is always open and the phone is always on. like, with regard to my mother, my therapist and i had been working on mourning the relationship with my mother that i wish i'd had, and accepting that it will never be what i would consider ideal. she was a much bigger deal than my dad was, so i didn't bring him up often in therapy, but i was gaining the tools to deal with it by myself. so again, i just kind of shrugged and decided, "it is what it is." but as it turns out, my brother for a long time had kind of glossed over the fact that while he did talk to my dad, it was weirder and my dad seemed rushed and he was coming around less and less. my brother had become really frustrated that if he wanted to see my dad, he had to take it upon himself to go there because my dad wouldn't come out for anything. and just like he had always done, even when we were kids, my dad would say "oh yeah i'm going to come to visit you this saturday" so my brother would take off and dedicate his whole day to this and my dad would never call, never show up. the two of them had become super close after my brother moved in with him and lived with him 9 or so years ago, so my brother was especially hurt over this. unlike me, he just couldn't accept that it wasn't going to happen. which brings me to the past couple of months or so. my dad has been all but incommunicado. my brother and his wife are having this huge life thing happening and my dad is just like, not even there. he and his wife went out with my dad to dinner a couple of months ago, and first, my brother calls me to tell me that my dad had lost all of this weight, and was acting really bizarre. it was really, REALLY fucking weird, like i can't even articulate how weird it sounded, and i wasn't even there. when we were all on our trip a couple weeks ago, my brother and SIL and relative were all talking about my dad, and relative confirmed that he had always been a bizarre, flighty guy. then SIL started talking about that dinner, and was like, i don't think that [my brother] has been adequately expressing how fucking bizarre your dad's behavior was that day. she was so upset and concerned. my dad actually did call me for my birthday this year, the first time in a long time that i had heard his voice. i was delighted to hear from him because i was expecting nothing, and i still love him, because he is my dad. before whatever happened to him some years ago, and maybe, whatever happened to me?, he and i were incredibly close. so tonight? i get this random fucking text, i haven't talked to him in fucking like 4 months. he's like, yeah, i'm going to buy your brother and SIL [x] so don't let anyone else. and then this crazy paragraph about how nothing has ever happened that changed him as a person, and strange things happen in the universe, and we need challenges to grow. but don't worry i love you! i'm like .... okay? i love you too? again, i just don't have the emotional energy for whatever is going on with this. my brother is so worried and upset about it, and i'm like dude, all we can do is try to get him to go to the doctor to get checked out for health issues, and be there for him if he needs that. but he's never going to be attentive, he's always going to be random and unreliable, and sadly it just gets worse and worse as we get older. enjoy the times we have, and be thankful for them, but keep your expectations at zero. it hurts, but people are people. and that's that. it's all so sad because i see so much of myself in my dad. i too am this weird, antisocial hermit who falls into deep depressions, hides away from the world, and doesn't take care of myself. i'm lucky that i was able to see it and start doing something about it, and that i will actively choose to avoid that path. i wrote in here years ago about seeing that documentary about the woman who died in her apartment and no one noticed for 4 years. she and i were so similar to each other, it really shook me. i promised myself then that i would never let that happen to me, if i could help it. i wish so much we knew what was going on with my dad, if it's just depression, but he also has to want to help himself. he knows that better than anyone. tonight i was driving with ER in boss's truck to pick up some stuff and i'm just gently driving along at like 25 and the truck makes this crazy fucking sound! i thought i ran over something, but it sounded more like something, somewhere in the truck just broke. it was like a gunshot, but ... nothing seemed to have happened. like, the operation of the truck remained pretty much the same except it sort of felt like the transmission was slipping, but the truck has a million issues so sometimes it just drives funny. so we get to our destination and i pulled up really weirdly in the middle of the parking lot to let ER out, and when i go to get in reverse to turn around ... it doesn't work. i'm like uhhhhhhhhhh .... so i try a few more times and it's a no go. i go back into drive and pull all the way to the end of the lane, up to a fence, to get out of the way of the occupied parking spaces. again, i try to turn around and reverse just completely doesn't work. ER calls boss for rescue. he comes and he's like wtf, why did you break my truck!? (jokingly of course.) so i described what happened and said it sounded like a gunshot, and he's like yeah, the gear just broke. i'm like wtf? just out of nowhere that can happen? we were just driving along slowly. and he said yeah, it's an old truck, what can i say. so yeah, that's apparently a thing that can happen! be careful if you're cruising around in an old ass chevy. what else? i think that's it. oh, i was talking to my mom today about my cat and we were talking about him as a kitten, and how i came to adopt him, so i looked back through my phone and sent her some photos. he was so pathetic, they had him in a cage with this little handmade ruffled collar on and the saddest look you've ever seen. he was so tiny, his ears too big for his head. now, as i write this, i'm sitting on the couch next to his big spoiled ass while he cleans between his toes. when i am home, he never leaves my side. he's a sweet, gentle boy, and i love him so much. when boy moved out, i begged him to leave him with me. i remember i was crying on the phone, telling him he was taking everything from me. i wish i had written about this when it was happening because my brain was so fucked up at the time that i don't remember hardly anything about those 6 or so months. anyway, he didn't seem to care either way, which i was so thankful for. likewise he didn't seem to care when his kitten ran away. he didn't call any shelters, he didn't go outside to look, he didn't put up any flyers or even ask anyone. i remember when that was happening i felt so disgusted by him. how could he not even care? he even made an offhand remark a few days after it happened, "oh well, looks like i need to get another cat!" like he was just talking about replacing his fucking towels or something. unbelievable. i'm sorry for these crazy long random ass entries lately but as i emerge more and more from the fog, i feel like my brain is working so much better. a lot of things are still a blur, but memories come up more and more often. i am thinking about a lot of things, and having feelings about them. i said the other day i am feeling so much more creative. i still don't feel great physically, but i feel better. i'm feeling like i have a lot more energy. a lot more space in my mind. it's crazy how much this ordeal affected me and the way i look at my life now. but here i am. |