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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
ghosts.
2018-12-06 @ 9:26 p.m.
things that made me smile: 1. in therapy today i was mentioning how i am really happy that my cat has started purring again in the past three or so weeks. (long aside: i noticed over the summer that he hadn't been purring much since we'd moved (and he's just been generally more easily startled, more "cagey" in his behavior), and the internet told me that some cats are really sensitive and anxious and the move might have made him depressed. he used to love to sleep on my chest and in my lap before we moved, but he hardly did it anymore. he purred sometimes, but it was kind of weak and half-hearted. distracted. he just seemed like he still hadn't settled in.) over this weekend that just passed i stayed in and played hermit and for the first time my little boo came and got on my chest, then got extra comfortable and stretched out, purring like an absolute madman. it was so nice to see him back to himself. i was saying this and therapist was like, "i'm sorry, i don't know anything about cats. is purring good?" hahaha i don't know why it tickled me so much but i just found it adorable. 2. we're locking up and boss and i are in our office and i turn around from turning off the heater and boss is in the back room with his pants down. i'm like, "oh, wow, really?" and he's like, huh? and i said, "so you're just getting naked back there?" and he looks down at himself and says, "oh shit! i wasn't even paying attention to what i was doing!" and scurries to pull his pants back on. of course i do this exaggerated cartoonish pervert neck stretch to check him out and he laughed and said i was wasting my time because it was so fucking cold outside i'd need tweezers to see anything. i was more intrigued by the fact that he's a bikini brief guy. did not strike me as the type. i think i started writing the other day but did not finish an entry about how last week, boss's FIL died suddenly. boss was one of the first people on the scene and said FIL was pretty far gone by then, was becoming stiff and really discolored. he's been really sad about it, especially because in his culture they spend a lot of time in like organized, social mourning, but also because in his culture the men are supposed to hold it together. it's like, being sad about stuff is for women, the period of mourning is over so move on with your life. so he has all of this reorganization stuff going on with the locations that's stressing him so deeply, and ER maybe leaving soon, and everything is changing so much and then this death happened and he's been so overwhelmed and blah. so this little moment of distraction and laughing was the first time in a little over a week that he seemed a little bit up, even if just for a little while. boss knows i'm an atheist but spiritual, while he is pretty religious. he was telling me while we were driving that his MIL hasn't even processed that this has happened, that her husband died. they did the burial and the ceremony and the wake and everything and she kept asking, "where is [husband]?" it's breaking his heart, and it broke mine to hear it. he said they've been telling her that [husband] went on vacation for a while. god. and this man went in peace, in his sleep. it couldn't have been a gentler death. but she just cannot accept it, the idea that he is actually gone. then boss said his wife had been showering in the morning and came out and said that her father had come to her while she was showering and told her that it was okay, and he was alright. that she had heard him say it to her. and he said he didn't know if he believed that, but that you hear people say things like that all the time, and you wonder if it's real. and i said no one really knows, but my spiritual beliefs are as simple as this: i believe every living thing is connected. you learn that energy cannot be created or destroyed, it is just transferred or transformed. a rock is destroyed, it becomes sand. our bodies die, but our souls (souls? essences? whatever these "sparks" are that make us "alive") return to this weird network of consciousness that connects us all. maybe that's what "god" is. it is us, all of us, together. the brain naming the brain. i'm not trying to go on and on here (good thing i just caught myself!), but basically, i believe stories like that. whatever different level of energy her father was on now, it was still connected to hers. i said, you know it's like when you're thinking about your best friend really hard and then they call you. ghosts. i think all of those phenomena are the same type of thing. it's all connected. i don't think that anyone, or anything, is truly gone. could be bullshit, i have an open mind. but that's what i believe, and it makes me feel better about my mortality, and it seemed to make him feel a lot better, too. we'll be in the middle of doing bills or whatever and he'll kind of trail off with a thought about FIL, or how upsetting it was to see him like that, but he reassures himself that FIL isn't truly gone, he's still with us and he doesn't want us to worry about him. i'm really happy to be able to comfort someone at a time like this. i know that was kind of morbid for an entry that started out about things making me smile, but this interaction did. boss and i are so different, so different, but sometimes we just connect on this deep level. boy knew things about me, but boss understands me. i now understand that this was a fundamental thing missing from our relationship, and what it is that i need from the other human beings i allow close to myself. boss has this innocent inquisitiveness into me and what makes me tick. he wants to understand how i feel about something, why i feel that way, what is my opinion, what is my motivation. in contrast, boy was either so disinterested in me as a person or was just so self-centered that his idea of me was a short list of my likes and dislikes. he knew my favorite color, my favorite foods, what i like to collect. my catchphrases and what i'd say. but how i felt about something was never even a question that would occur to him, or he really just didn't care. looking back, it's kind of depressing how superficial it all was. oh well. as i said today in therapy, as i say often: it had to happen the way it did. i'm going to try to get some gaming in before bed. i have to wake up an hour earlier on therapy days and i just can't force myself to go to bed earlier so i suffer through the day on one less hour of sleep. the good thing is, i sleep like a baby that night. looking forward to that. i love being warm and snuggled up in my giant comforter at night. the past couple of days i've opened the blinds to snowfall. it's a beautiful time of year. this was meant to be a quickie, but you know ... i'm me. |