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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
thank you everyone, for everything.
2018-12-27 @ 10:29 p.m.
got back to work today after a long ass weekend, which was all just so wonderful by the way, and it was payday but boss gave me so much extra money as a christmas gift too. he's such a great boss. i told him that, too, which i know he loves to hear. he's such an incredibly annoying person, but i love him because he really does mean well, and thinks he's doing the right thing. i'm going down to visit brother and SIL this weekend, who just completed a hugely significant move. i was feeling bad about taking off on new year's eve but with this little bonus i can now afford to do that as well as buy a bunch of random shit i've been wanting for a while. blutooth thing for my car, new charging cable for my phone, vitamins, a new set of sheets and duvet cover for my bed. some other stuff yet to be determined. everything is so good! i can't wait to see what happens in 2019. recently, i have been having these extended periods of getting lost in memories of the constant, soul destroying little "snubs" i endured all the time. i'm feeling, as a result of managing my anxiety better, that i'm a little more connected and present in conversations with people now, so i notice more of the things that occur in an interaction with someone. body language, tone, eye contact, etc. now, i am coming to realize, boy was so difficult and stressful to communicate with. not only was he never straightforward - so many conversations were circular, nothing ever decided, no resolution reached (and this is in regard to even simple things, such as "would you mind picking up ice cream on your way home?") - but he loved to sneer at you ever so slightly, roll his eyes, take on this nasty "how stupid are you" kind of tone to his voice, and not only would he DO these things as a grownup adult, but he would deny vehemently that he had done them. so you could either just let him do those things to you, or call him on it and begin a prolonged fight about reality, and that you just witnessed it. that is never resolved and you get the silent treatment all night until he decides that he's over this juvenile "mood" and refuses to apologize or acknowledge his behavior and also instantly wants you to be in a perfectly normal fantastic mood again. best friend and cousin and i were doing our yearly christmas bonding session and i would get ready to do something and pause for a moment, then i'd realize that i don't have to answer to anyone before i do [x] thing now. i can just ... decide something without having to factor in whatever kind of bullshit. i know i'm being vague but to explain it better would be a real novel and i just don't have time for that, there's ice cream to eat. but i would remember these constant little subtle slights, and i would keep remembering them day after day, while getting dressed, while packing the car, while wrapping gifts. i know i'm not supposed to spend so much time on them but it just comes. when i took a gift to the people at a neighboring business the other day, it made me so happy. the surprised smile of the dude i'm friendly with totally made it worth it for me. when i was still with boy, a few christmases ago, i stopped in to drop off a gift for the dude. boy sarcastically accused me of cheating on him with this guy. like a "i'm totally serious but i'm going to make it sound like a joke." i was like haha, because surely it was a joke, how the fuck could he seriously think that? but no, he was serious and brought it up for months afterward. he couldn't understand that i would just give a small gift to people that i saw multiple times a week. it's exhausting to constantly have to check yourself, constantly evaluate what's going to start a fight and what isn't, check your facial expression, check your mood, check the way you say something. and you're up against someone who doesn't have to do any of these things. everything was so hard then, but everything is so easy now. i dropped a gift at our handyman's house and he was beaming with joy to see me and i was beaming right back at how happy it made him. i feel so much more connected to my inner spirit of kindness now. silliness. i feel so much more confident to just be the person i am without constantly second guessing everything i do, or even want to do. i've moved from wondering all the time, "how is this going to look?" and arrived at "will i regret it if i don't do this?" i'm so thankful for everything. my dad was right, i wouldn't give up that experience. i never would have arrived here. and i really have arrived. happy new year, if i don't see you again <3 |