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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
upbringing, fun week, kindred spirits, satisfaction.
2019-03-28 @ 10:29 p.m.
just talked to my brother for a really long time. he talked about therapy and then talking with our mother about it. she pretty much barely acknowledged that she or my stepdad had any fault in raising us, it was all our father's fault. he said a lot of things and i said dude, we never talk about anything in our family, as you well know. but this past couple months, and these past few weeks especially with this stuff going on with him and SIL ... it really wasn't us. it wasn't just me. neither of us are, or were, crazy. the crazy one is our fucking mother. i think back on my whole life through that lens. if only we'd known, how different our lives would be. work is just super fun. the weather is getting nicer, i had a lot of errands to run this week and some unexpected surprises. i've been driving all over, doing stuff. today i was in for just a half hour or so before boss's dad came in and was like come on, you're going with me. and i'm like ok! and grab my stuff. he wanted me to show him where this fedx store was, and then we would go get lunch at this great place. he treated me, then we got food to go for boss. i told his dad to drop me at a nearby rental unit boss was working at and i'd walk back. it was super nice! then we had this huge ridiculous new inventory delivered so of course instead of actually working we all stood outside and watched it come off the truck, then descended upon it so we could check it out and play with it. boss wanted me to run out to do another errand, but i needed answers to questions from him but my phone had died so i just drove over to where he was. he was in the middle of an angry phone conversation so i had to wait to talk to him, then he was like jump in the car with me and come to home depot and ask me while i'm getting stuff. the guy on the phone ended up freaking out so boss was like ok bye. we shopped quickly but by time we returned it was too late for me to do the original errand i went over there to complete (lol). so i was like hey, just call the lady and ask her to do the thing and i'll bring the check first thing when i come in tomorrow. luckily she hadn't yet left the office and we got everything set up. i got back to our office and boss's dad started telling me crazy stories, then DR and i started fooling around with the new item after everyone left for a while. i have done barely any actual work this week, i've just been running around in the gorgeous weather and playing outside. i love it! oh! and last night this friend of friend of boss's came in to carry out some transactions on the friend's behalf. at first he was just going to do one sale, but then boss came in and said he talked to friend and he wanted to add two more. there's a pretty lengthy sales process for what we do so i was like sit down and get comfortable bro, because it's going to be a while. this dude notices my cat stuff on my desk, then starts talking about the insta he made for his cat, and then we're off. we talked romantic literature, transcendental philosophy, anime, collecting tiny objects, getting hit by cars, our terrible childhoods and parents and relationships, philosophies on life, video games. this guy was ... just fucking amazing. like i had to take him over to the other store because the original item he had come for was over there, but we forgot something important so we had to go back to boss and then back to the other store. when i came back to the office, boss was like "wow, look at your face, you look almost orgasmic." and i was like stfu and give me the stuff. but like holy shit man! when is the last time i met a guy who had even a quarter of the same things in common with me. who i could talk to so easily! we could not stop talking, like i wasn't even entering information into the system because we were just chatting away. he was just so ... open and self-reflective and fucking interesting! and before anyone gets any ideas - he's out of the question, he has an amazing girlfriend he's super in love with and a 3 year old (noooooooooope). i'm just so weird and awkward and usually people don't really "get" me, they're like oh haha that quirky girl in there. but we were so on the same wavelength, like i truly feel like i met a true kindred spirit. he recommended a book to me. A BOOK. guys. i hope he continues to be in my life, more often. i'd love to be friends but you know how some people don't think you can have friends of the opposite gender (or whatever, you know what i mean). i think that's bullshit. there are other reasons i would not entertain a romantic relationship with this guy: self-reported impulsivity and alcoholism, self-described as a "project." i'm too old for that shit (too bad he's adorable). it's so hard for some people to believe that a lady can really like a guy, but not LIKE like him. i just want to talk about the book after i read it and then ask his opinions on time travel. i overspent my budget this week by $62 because bbw was having a candle flash sale and i had to take advantage. i love candles in general, and i love theirs the most. our handyman came over with his assistant last week to do a couple of things for me and when they came in they said wow, it smells good in here. the scent of the candle i had burned the night before was still in the air. after all of these long days and errands using my own car and getting treated to lunch, i ended up not having to go food shopping (so the $62 cancelled itself out), and will have a great check next week even though i'm taking off saturday. the universe took care of it! i am thankful, excited for my candles to get here(!!), excited about my weekend, excited about my shower, excited about my bed. i was thinking about boy a lot lately, and just remembering some of the really shitty things he said about my face and my body. i was just having one of those nights last week where i found myself kind of just staring into the mirror, remembering this particularly hurtful comment. and i found myself going down the path of imagining revenge, imagining the things i could do from mildly inconveniencing him to really fucking his life. i'll confess - he left one of his spare keys with me, forgetting that i had it, and i thought about how amazing it would feel to pour a gallon of 2 week old milk into his upholstery in mid-august and letting him discover that in the morning. or taking his vehicle and just moving it into a different parking spot, somewhere else in his complex. he'd go nuts trying to figure out how. he never paid his payment on time so he'd probably freak out thinking it was finally repo'd. the sick satisfaction i got from those fantasies makes me feel like a real asshole but hey, at least i didn't really act on them. the point is, i felt guilty for wishing such ill upon him. i know you're not supposed to do that. then, just a moment ago, while i was writing about all of the stuff i'm excited about, i thought to myself, haha. i don't need to fuck his life up for him. i really do win after all. because i know that he is not capable of ever feeling happy or satisfied. he will never know what it's like to feel calm and satisfied by exactly what he has at that moment. he will never know what it's like to talk to another human as his authentic, genuine self and feel a true connection. to have passions, hobbies, even friends. mkay so i was not supposed to spend this much time on this but it happened anyway. i feel like i've really been going on and on lately but i've managed to develop so many thoughts that have been brewing. goodnight! |