i would like to actually quickly update all of that mess from last week to say that i went in to work today and said exactly those things i said i was going to say to boss.

he brought me a soda and some snacks and i asked why he was trying to butter me up. he asked if i was in a better mood today, and i said yeah, because i decided to give up on you and let you fuck your life up if that's what you want to do. i can't care more about you than you and your business than you do. he then started in on his many excuses and i put my hand up and stopped him and said, "let me ask you one thing. how would you feel if i told you i was getting back together with [boy]?" and he paused, kind of confused for a moment, and said, "really upset with you." and i said okay. that's exactly how i feel about you doing this.

and he was like oh, shit. okay, now i understand why you were so bent out of shape on saturday. but then he continued on with "but i have to do this" and i said okay, but you know i'm not behind you on this and i'm not going to be nice about it when it goes bad.

i felt better, each of us knows where the other stands, and we still care about each other. how nice. it's so weird having healthy, functional adult relationships with people. insert butterfly meme: is this communication?

then boss disappeared for the better part of the day, and everyone came to me asking, "wtf is he thinking!? did you hear he hired [brother 2]!?" i was like, yeah guys. yeah. why do you think i was flipping shit on saturday.

whatever!

the worst thing happening in my life right now is that the neighborhood weed dude decided he doesn't want to do it anymore. TS thinks he'll change his mind after he misses the money. that's cool, but i have my period right now and REALLY need some. the magnesium actually has been helping the pain level and duration of my cramps so far?? which is incredible. i'd say 40% reduction of pain and longevity of the pain, but i'm only 2-3 days in. we'll see, but so far i'm super optimistic about this.

anyway, this was just a quick update since i'm trapped here on the couch under the heating pad for a while. on saturday and sunday it was almost 80 degrees in here with the windows open and all of the fans on. last night i was hot (and had a lot of body aches) so i just stretched out across the bed to crack my back and relax a minute. i ended up totally passing out for an hour or so but was awoken by a crazy storm! earlier in the evening, i had a tornado alert on my phone and i was like lol, this is nj. but the crack of that storm, the lightning was SO bright it looked like daylight outside, and the wind was like nothing i've ever heard before! it was truly wild. i really thought my windows were going to shatter from all of the shit blowing around outside.

today, it started out nice but super windy and as the day progressed it got colder and colder but still super fucking windy. i had turned the heat off in the morning and turned on all the fans because it was up to 75 in here (i like my house pretty cold, around 67, 69 in the deep of the winter) when i left for work, but when i got home it was like 62 and fucking freezing inside. what a weird time of year.

alright friends, time for beddy bye. it's my period, so for some reason i need like 12 hours of sleep to feel rested each night until it's over. and cheese. so much cheese.

2019-04-30: protect ya neck.
2019-04-24: savour.
2019-04-22: JC saga continues, on not wasting time.
2019-04-18: why is she like this.
2019-04-18: "a mom like ours."



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i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.