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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
in a few years.
2019-03-26 @ 10:34 p.m.
i just got home from work so i don't have a lot of time but want to mention these things to maybe expand on some of them later before i forget. brother seems to be doing great so far. his therapist was really insightful and he did some research on his own before going (and listened to some of the videos i sent) so he said a lot of great things. again, the validation i am feeling is just overwhelming. it wasn't just me. and i mean that in two ways - it wasn't just me that was being treated poorly, and it wasn't just me who was the "fucked up" kid. i wasn't just fucking imagining it. yes, we grew up middle class and had a home, we had clothes, we went on vacations. but vacations alone aren't enough to make a well-adjusted human being. and of course i'm super excited for my brother for other reasons, like just seeing him light and happy and relaxed and not drunk for once will be really cool. he's been addicted to something or another since he was 18. i haven't seen him in a while. there's this situation going on with two of our tenants that is really stressing me out. like i really understand how hard and scary this is for the one i've been speaking with, but i told her right away when she called me that i cannot speak for boss. i gave her a sympathetic ear and i really do feel for her but given the circumstances, i think we're being pretty cool about this. i mean i totally would be upset with us (boss and me) if i were in her situation because it looks like we're being heartless but: boss is boss and for him, money is not the most important thing but the only thing, and ... i have no power here. i can just give boss my opinion but i don't have anything to do with anything. so like please don't be mad at me, tenant. she wrote me this huge text earlier and i really read it and felt like an asshole, and it was stressing me, but then i came home and smoked some weed and had some perspective on it. i told tenant multiple times when i spoke to her that i can't speak for boss. i don't speak for boss. i said i just wanted to hear from you what happened. i told her this. so it sucks that she misinterpreted it, but i warned her that what i said was far from stone. it's more like mailing a letter to santa claus. so i'm going to stop worrying about it now because worry is unproductive. and like i said, there's nothing i can do, and i was very careful in my words to her. i did nothing wrong, so i'm letting it go. i'm saying that and i mean it. awesome week so far by the way. boss asked me to come in early yesterday because i had a ton of errands to run, so i did and ended up having an awesome lunch since i was near one of my favorite places. we left late too so i got in some serious hours. then today ER left early to go to the hospital but ended up only going to the doctor because he's been in a lot of random pain for the last 10 days or do. nothing appears to be wrong with him so we're all just a little worried about where it's coming from. my parents are away so saturday night i went up to their house to do my laundry. i was driving through town, down the curvy road before the one their house is on, this road i have traveled down, and my family has traveled down, since before i was born. some of my earliest memories are on this road, driving with my grandfather in his brand new truck, spilling an entire big gulp in it but he just laughed, the backdrop the dried out green of the hay and cornfields in late summer. and i thought to myself, one day this will no longer be home to me. i will have no reason to travel down this road again. my grandmother is so old now, and so weak. i have truly been so fortunate to have her in my life this long. but my parents have already told us that when she leaves us, they are leaving our home. NJ is too expensive. i get it. but the whole family is here, or at least nearby. they're leaving leaving, moving a plane ride away. this is soon, this is in less than 5 years. in less than 5 years. when i pulled up to their house, i looked up into the sky. where they live, it's all farmland and decently far from any major cities or towns. when their porch lights are off, you can see every star. i just stood there for a few minutes and looked at the sky, which i haven't seen in so long. i live right next to philly where there is so much light pollution. i forgot how beautiful it was. i forgot how silent and dark and still the night is. in less than 5 years the house my parents built will no longer be home. it is not my home now, i only go there maybe six to eight times a year. but it is my home base, the backdrop of my entire 35 (and a half, sigh) years so far. i know every single acre of that land, my mother's house, and my grandmother's house only a stone's throw away. it's so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that in less than 5 years, it won't be mine, it won't be ours. the place where everyone has come together since before even my mother was on this earth. the bricks and the walls and the gardens my grandfather built with his own hands. it will all be sold and everyone will be gone and they will just be two houses and it will just be the road i used to live on. that is a thought that is really weighing heavy on me lately. i think that's why i want to stay with boss, even if i make no money. i'm so very happy here in this town, i love my job, and i love boss's family. i was in the store last night grabbing some half and half and the guy in front of me was like hello, you look so familiar to me. and i looked up at him and realized he worked at the fast food place boss loves. i'd see this guy like 3-4 times a week sometimes. so we chatted and he told me he's at ups now, doing well. it was cool. i love and need this feeling of family, of community. i love it here and realize that i think i want this to be my home base. i love seeing our customers out in the wild. it's a small town, which is what i'm used to. i have people here. this is good. it will be strange in a few years, when my world completely changes. i probably could have said that very sentence a few years ago. look at me now. but i think this will be different, without that constant. i have to remember to take more pictures from now on, to remember the spot where i sat as a child, the rooms where i played, the corners i made mine. in my grandmother's reading room, which we still call "the toy room" even though it hasn't been in 25 years, as we helped her down into her rocking chair, my hand slid over a notch in the shelves my grandfather built. and only we will ever remember that this is where the old metal crank pencil sharpener used to be mounted, where i prepared my tools for granny to teach me there, where i would later teach my little brother, where it all started. ... well, so much for a quick entry. but it felt good to put words to this. even though now, i feel a little sad. |