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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
protect ya neck.
2019-04-30 @ 9:31 p.m.
thank you for your note my dear. i started writing you one back, but then i realized i have so much to say on it. the other day this thought started coming together but you really inspired me to expand on it. throughout this whole thing i have questioned how i let someone treat me like that, how did i not realize how truly insane he was. over time i learned so much about myself and the reasons i either didn't recognize it or tried to deny it, even though i knew deep down inside it wasn't right. but maybe i have understated also how slow and insidious boy was. he didn't come out swinging right out of the gate. he seemed pretty normal for quite some time. most of us are adults here who work and/or go to school or whatever. some people in your friend groups have kids, some are married, some are divorced. everyone has a wild story about a bad relationship, or some kind of really crazy family drama by now. so at first, and for the first two years of our relationship, he just seemed like any mid twenties guy who came out of a fucked up marriage. he never really exhibited any particularly troublesome behaviors because we were just dating and were normal adults so we didn't spend THAT much time together. of course someone is going to be on their best behavior for 3-4 hours a couple nights a week. by the time he moved in with me, we had been together for a while. now, i was invested. shortly thereafter, satan lost custody and little A had to move in. it was a lot. and boy's shitty behaviors kind of started to trickle out. he'd be nasty here, he'd snap at me there. and i'd say oh, it's because he's stressed. oh, well things really are hard to adjust to right now. he'll get better. he'll go back to how he was. what i didn't realize then, but i do now, and is really profound to me is that there WAS no "how he was." that was never real. he was just a fantastic actor and was able to keep it up for a long time. but once we moved in together, and he had the added stress of having to take care of a kid (which he obviously never wanted to do), it was too much. he dropped the act and acted like his real self. and that's how i got stuck there, allowing someone to ruin my weekends and insult me and yell at me like i was a fucking dog. allowing myself to get in a car with someone who drove so dangerously i was often afraid for my life. it was ignorance and hope. i never realized that i couldn't get him to "get better." it was a blinking green light in the distance, in the mist. so that's my bit of wisdom from this, my warning. people like him - psychopaths, sociopaths, what have you - are really good at hiding who they are for a long time. think about how much you really know about someone you're dating. they tell you they work at company x, they live here, they like racquetball. you're both busy professionals and you live some distance away from each other so you see each other maybe 6 times over a couple of months. time is passing. then, you get really serious and start seeing each other more often. three months, four, six. but what do you really really know about them? after 9 months, even? a year? what if they, in a super calculated way, spin the facts and tell you half of, or mostly the truth with some "minor" omissions? you think you know this person. then it's two years, four years. six years. YEARS. you think, i put so much into this. i KNOW him. we've been together for years. he's not always like this. one day it will be back to how it was. you don't realize it's been longer that he's been shitty than you ever knew him to be nice. and he still tells you he loves you and can't even possibly imagine a life without you. and now you're insane, too, because it's so hard to parse. none of it makes any sense and you're so fucking stressed you really don't have time to think about it. i guess my whole thesis here is that anyone can secretly be a fucking lunatic but not reveal it for a while, and you never know, so protect ya neck!
i ended up staying out all day. it was so beautiful. i took photos. i thought so much about some of the writing projects i've been poking at forever but making no progress. i thought about some other short stories i'd like to work on, too. some beautiful passages came to mind, some character motivations. i drove around and the air was so crisp and sweet, the sky went on forever, there was no traffic and i felt so happy to be alive. and after i got home i realized - that whole day, i didn't think of him once. he didn't even come to mind.
i got home early this evening, washed my hair, wrote, cleaned the kitchen. the landscaping guy came before i was awake and ruined a really solid sleep. so i guess i'm going to go catch up on that now. everything is all set. life is good. i am happy. the end. |