tinea:any of a number of infectious diseases

�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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savour.

2019-04-24 @ 9:10 p.m.

i feel like complaining about some things boy used to do that drove me crazy.

i was sitting there at work today, looking out the window on the absolutely beautiful day. it was 71, perfectly sunny, perfectly clear and cool, not a cloud in the deep blue sky. the birds were chirping, the leaves of the trees glittered with sunlight in the gentle breeze. flowers are blooming everywhere, their perfume passing through my open windows.

it was truly magical. i just sat there, the sun on my face, thinking to myself, "thank you for this blessed day." you know i'm an atheist but a spiritual one, and i just felt so surrounded by that beautiful energy of life. like so thankful to be alive and able to experience and perceive this day, this very personal moment.

because as i thought of the sweet scent of the flowers in the wind, i was thankful for it - its existence (you know what i mean?) - but i was also thankful that i could have this.

when i wanted to go out on a walk, or a drive or whatever, boy was smoking. he was constantly smoking. i had commented on it over the years of our relationship, saying like do you realize you lose at least an hour or two a day to just smoking? every 15 minutes, from the minute he woke up, he had to have a cigarette. no matter what, or he started acting like an asshole.

i told him how much i loved the smell of the flowers and the moist air and everything, but he didn't care. he smoked. the whole time we drove (and i know i wrote about how he tortured me on the days he actually agreed to leave the house), the whole time we walked, the whole time whatever, he smoked. a few times i'd ask him if he could not smoke please, just on this one road lined in honeysuckle. please just wait until the next time we have to turn. this is the whole reason i like to come out here. please.

after he whined about how gay and lame i was and rolled his eyes a thousand times, he would agree not to. after about 30 seconds he would light up. it never failed. then i'd look over at him and he'd shriek "oh my god!!" and make a huge show of putting it out and putting the pack away. then after a minute or so, he'd light up again. i would either just give up and not say anything, or i would ask him to stop again but he'd roll his eyes and shriek at me again and tell me i was being ridiculous and that i was fucking annoying. i always wanted to say to him but never did, "why can't you just let me have this?" do you know what i mean? like five minutes is too much to ask of you? really?

so what i mean is while i was sitting there at work, i felt so thankful that i no longer have to endure shit like this.

when i came home from work, i was shaking out my clothes and hanging up the sweatshirt i wore and it smelled so fresh and good. so did my comforter, after a day of an open window blowing a fresh spring breeze over it. simple, tiny pleasures like this. my clothes don't smell like stale cigarette smoke. my hair doesn't smell like it. when boy lived in my house, he only smoked in the garage which ended up being gross because he would sit in there for like an hour chain smoking, then when he came inside smoke would escape and travel upwards into the main rooms. when he moved out, he smoked everywhere in his place. he didn't care that both little A and i had asthma. he smoked inside, he smoked in the car with him. no one and nothing mattered more than cigarettes.

several times i packed on friday to spend the weekend with him, and by time i left his place on monday to go to work, my clothes absolutely STANK of cigarette smoke. i'd even take out my little makeup bag and the first time i'd open it back home it would smell too. i started secretly waking up early enough to wash and dry my entire bag of stuff before i left because people had commented at work how bad my clothes smelled. so fucking gross and embarrassing.

but i never have to worry about that again! not only is boy out of my life, but i also know now that in the future, i will not tolerate smoking. i won't just sit there and let someone ruin my day. now, i know how to say something and even better, i know to not even let it get that far.

now, i know that a person who treats me like that and doesn't respect me or my health (or his OWN CHILD'S health, for that matter!) is not a person i need to have in my life.

i am thankful for this knowledge (though i wish it hadn't taken ~30 years to learn it -__-).

so anyway, that's all i have to say today. this week has been perfect. i know the summer is going to suck balls so i am just savoring this crisp, perfect spring week.

i started writing about this thought the other day but wasn't yet able to give it full form. when i was a kid i would lay on my bed looking out the window on days like this, wishing i wasn't trapped inside. i wished i could go out and get down in the grass like they did in movies and just look up at the sky. i remembered doing it a few times at my grandmother's house when i was very young. just feeling the earth turn. i wanted so badly to recapture that feeling of just being there with the earth, but once we moved out of my grandmother's house, my mother would never let us go outside anymore. my stepdad and my brother would play baseball in the yard occasionally, so we would sit on the porch and watch them, but we never did anything outside.

when i was a teenager i discovered my love for the outdoors and the quiet feeling of the forest, but i was a busy teen with a job so i didn't get to do as much as i wanted to. then college happened, where i was extremely busy, commuting, etc, and then there was teaching and then there was boy.

up until now i've never really had any time to myself. i spent so many years completely depressed and exhausted that when i did have a little time to myself i was sleeping. it's crazy to me how much time i spent in the dark. i know it's corny, but i really do mean it. literally and figuratively.

this really gives me away, but what the fuck. who even cares anymore. boy's philosophy on life was "life is a shit sandwich and every day you take another bite." he got a tattoo to match. at the time i thought it was hilarious and so true. but now i can't even believe myself. yeah, life is hard, but holy shit. how miserable is the person who genuinely has that outlook on life?? why even go on?

i can't believe that i am that same person.

boss is cracking down harder on JC and he's really feeling the pressure. he keeps asking me if i know what's going on, why is boss in such a bad mood today, why is he suddenly so worried about the money. i said i don't know, he's been saying he wants to turn this into a real store so business gets better. JC's like oh well if he's going to let me go i told him it's no big deal, just give me a couple weeks.

boss thinks it's tough talk but boss genuinely seems determined now, talk or not. he realizes JC might leave and he is okay with that. he knows that the business won't be over. people from the neighborhood are still going to come. he said "you know, [tinea]? i suddenly feel so good. now that i've decided to do this. i feel like so much stress melting away."

that is so cool and i am so happy. he built this new entrance a couple of days ago and it looks a lot neater than what we had before. he really is trying.

i slept like a baby last night. my cat woke me up by aggressively kneading my shoulders several hours before i really needed to be up. then he purred really loud in my ear and licked my forehead before going to sleep at the end of the bed. when i woke up for real, apparently he had just been in the other room waiting and came and snuggled me. every morning we have our snuggle ritual but usually he is already in bed with me. i think it's cute that he was going about his cat activities and was like yay mom's awake! and stopped to come in to see me.

this is such a seemingly silly and small joy in my life but it means so much to me. it makes me so happy. boy wouldn't let the cats come in bed (but he would smoke and eat food in bed?) with us so for years i had to live without this little thing that makes me smile and starts my day off on a good note.

once again, i've spent too much time! bedtime is here. tomorrow is thursday, one day closer to the incredible weekend i have planned. i just can't wait.